"Greetings, you miserable worms. Your Dark Lord has arrived! And judging from your exhausted repose, I'm glad I was late.

What, exactly, is an 'awards show'? Hah--nothing but a pathetic pile of stupid! Is any collection of games worth this? I won't answer that; the truth is there for those who want to accept it. I am, after all, a supreme evil--surely not even in the league of the sadist who brainstormed this atrocity! And why are these games considered 'bad'! Surely anything that brings unto its audience such pain and suffering should be celebrated and honored with the highest of praise! Oh, but 'the author' feels that such meaningless excursions should instead be 'fun,' showcasing such empty tenets as 'value,' 'playability,' 'charm,' and even 'artistic merit.' How trite.

But is it insight you crave? Well, what separates me, your leader in death, from the average Belmont is that I've been around for damn near all of these games. If there was awful to be had, I surely had it. Why, under this circumstance, it'd be your honor for me to go ahead and list the series' worst games, with for good measure a shoddy review excerpt as provided by the pitiful 'author.' You've read this far, so there's no reason to turn back now; you've already wasted precious hours of what remains of your life (good!). Ah, but enough of this banter--have at you!"

Gold

                     

Castlevania: The Adventure / Dracula Densetsu for the classic Game Boy!
Review Excerpt: "However, Adventure is true to the series only to an extent--Konami tried to carry over to the Game Boy the classic Castlevania formula while redefining it in a way to make it seem anything but dumbed down. What they created is a game that emulates the NES adventures only in a superficial way. And while Adventure often shows hints of brilliance, it falls way short because its problems are just too numerous."

 

Silver

          

Haunted Castle / Akumajou Dracula for arcades!
Review Excerpt: "So, as you may have deduced, it's safe to include Haunted Castle in the 'Impossibly Hard' category. There's no point in even celebrating its strengths because you'll most likely never see past the second stage. While you don't necessarily lose too much energy for taking hits, you'll never be able to fend off the multiple enemies that are constantly pouring in, and you'll be dead soon enough. Its basic mechanics, mainly the hit-detection, don't alleviate the problem or help you in any way."

 

Bronze

          

Castlevania Legends / Akumajou Dracula: Dark Night Prelude for the classic Game Boy!
Review Excerpt: "The point of Legends is lost on me, and I don't understand why it was handled in this fashion. The Game Boy and Sonia Belmont, more urgently, deserved a better game after six years that wasn't just a weak attempt at emulating Belmont's Revenge. I remember Belmont's Revenge's inspired musical score, its lively stage design, and its fun and inventive boss battles, and then I play Legends and wonder if this wasn't something they wanted to pump out quickly--like they had an idea but not the will to execute it in any memorable way."

 

The Worst of the Rest

Fourth Place


Castlevania 64 / Akumajou Dracula Mokushiroku for the Nintendo 64!
Review Excerpt: "But because it's easy to become lost and often confused by the sometimes objectiveless level design combined with 'time doors,' it's highly possible that you'll get a bad ending the first time through. This is a problem in the sense that Castlevania 64 is a game you might not ever want to play a second time. I just can't say enough about how poor its camera system truly is: I was ready to abandon the game midway through the first stage, the Forest of Silence, due to my inability to make even the most simple jumps."

Fifth Place

          

Castlevania: Dracula X / Akumajou Dracula XX for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System!
Review Excerpt: "While I've come to loathe this game for a variety of reasons, I'm not going to say that it's altogether terrible. I look at it like this: If the Castlevania series hadn't existed up until this point, and we had never heard of a Simon Belmont, Castlevania: Dracula X might have been perfect as a first game of this series, as an introduction to Castlevania and its universe--but not as a rendition of Rondo of Blood and certainly not as a follow-up sequel to a giant like Super Castlevania IV."


"And that's the way it is, folks--it's the 'Mr. P Castlevania Awards'! Yeah.

It's been a long, perilous journey, but it's all finally over. We hope you've enjoyed spending your time with us (I haven't) on this seemingly endless evening--and maybe even the lowliest of you were entertained! Let us celebrate by agreeing to never do it again! What do you say?

Let's close out this shindig by bringing back all of our speakers for one last hurrah. Ladies and gentleman--let's give one final rousing ovation for the heroes and villains of 'Castlevania' (and some other unpleasant folk). Show your love!"

.

                                

                                

                                

        

        

                                               

Maxim: Yo, yo--let's hit it, boys!

Nathan: "Hmmmmmmmmmm - oh, yay-yeaaah, yeahh. Oooohhhhh. Woaaaah-woaaaaah..."

Everyone: "STAND TALL, STAND PROUD, 'CAUSE VOICES THAT CARE ARE CRYYYYYIN' OUT LOOOOOOOUD."

John: "WE'RE CRYIN' OUT LO-HOW-OUUUUUUUD!"

Everyone: "AND WHHHHHHHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EEEEYES TONIGHT, KNOW IN YOUR HEAR--"
.

"WOAH--wait a freakin' minute. That's not why I gathered you all here! My goodness. Can you people do anything right? Seriously? It's a wonder you all made it here tonight in one piece!

Well, that's it! I've had it! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE! I QUIT!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!"


"Know in your heeeeeeeart ... that our looooooooove BUR-HURR-HUURRRRNS BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHHHTTTT - HIIIII-YI-YIII-YIIII-YIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Goodnight, y'all! Peace!"

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