"LOL, ur winer... "                                                      

"hear 2 except the awerd is sownyuh bellmount, ROFLMAO"      

"Um--Sonia doesn't appear to be here. That little 'chat' with Ms. Renard damn near rendered her comatose. Not good."

"r u serios lol that not good b cuz she belog UNDER teh jail cell, LOL"      

"Uh, right. But there is someone else on the stage--I thought I was only seeing things at first, but it seems as though someone has been following you, young Carrie. It must be one your friends."

"wat frend"                                                             

"Your friend over ther--OH, MY DARK LORD, WHAT IS THAT?"

"Eeeeeeeeeeee-hee-heeeeeee!"                                

"Wait--I know you! Even in Castlevania we have cable.

You ... Y-you're ... MICHAEL JACKSON!"

[Lightning strikes]

    "Mmmmm-hmmmmm. HEEEE-HEEEE-HEEEEEEEEEE!"

"It all makes sense now. You slipped something into young Carrie's drink before she got up, didn't you? That's why she was speaking 'Dingbat.'

That's despicable. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"SHAMONE!"                                                   

        "Well, uh, I'm glad you recognize the error of your ways."

[dangles Carrie off the stage]                                

             "PUT HER DOWN!"

"LOL"                                                                               

            "Seee-yeeee--she likesies!

             I just looooooo-hooooooove keeeeeds!"

             "Yeah? Well, not this one, pal."

"I already set up a transporter that leads back to my ranch! Hee-yeeyeeyeeyeeyeeye-hee!

She'll love my fairy tales, especially the one about the Melty Zombie who impregnates the young mermaid. Heeeee-hee!"

"Transporter? That would explain the disappearance of those four hundred flea men! Youuuu... Ugh."

"Hehehehehehehehehehe!"                                            

"Well, look, pal--you're obviously sick in the head, but I'd be willing to look past it this one time if you were to help us out.

See: We're talking about the graphics of Castlevania Legends, and you, yourself, are a 'legend.' Maybe you can spin some yarn--make some connections? Could you? I'll pay handsomely."

"Well, I don't--"                                                        

             "I'll throw in five toddlers."

"Yeeeee-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I loooo-hoooove Castlevania Legends!

Now you know that Castlevania: Symphony of the Night was a pinnacle in regard to 2D graphical achievement. It was just so pree-tee! Naturally, there was an expectancy that all future titles would follow in its ambition. KCEN, which at the time had control of the trademark, wanted to instead take the series back to the classic Game Boy, where you figure they'd instead strive to trump the last entry, the seven-years-before-released Castlevania II: Belmont's Revenge, and prove that the handheld still had more juice.

In taking this train of thought, we gave the developers too much credit. For our trust, they delivered to us a half-baked series' entry that in no way longed to shine. Well, really, there was no 'shine,' no 'textures,' no 'personality,' and no real atmosphere festered. The repetitive stages, combined with prolonged periods of uninteresting or completely textureless backgrounds, afforded us no sense of 'Castlevania' and drummed up no feelings of nostalgia. And what about those 'unadulterated mounds of unidentifiable fuzz,' as my pale-skinned comprade, Alucard, referred to the character sprites? I know I couldn't identify a single one! Combine all this with slowdown and misapplied four-color schemes, which only serve to magnify the surrounding ugliness, and you've got yourself one hideous-looking product. And this is coming from me! Heeeee-heeeeeeeeee!"

"Thank you, Mr. Jackson. That was ... creepy. You can head back to the ranch now.

And hey--no stops in the castle nursery on the way out! You hear me?

Now, my enduring audience, it's time to welcome our final speaker for this evening. He's yet another in the long line of vampire hunters. Check that: This is a figure of greater significance, a bona fide vampire-hunting master! Give it up for the trainer of Hugh Baldwin and Nathan Graves--it's the one and only Morris Baldwin!"

           "I correctly picked Nathan, you know."

             "Yes--I know."

           "I'm always right."

          "Didn't you pick George Foreman to beat Ali?"

"Your point? One went on to sell a market-dominating grill, and the other didn't. Think before you speak."

"I can't argue with that logic.

But what about that stock tip you gave me about WWE? I almost had to have a firesale to account for the losses on that bomb."

          "No, no--I said I had to go 'weewee.' You misheard me."

          "I see. So, um, how's the ol' marriage doing?"

"Terrible. My wife tried on a new dress and asked me, 'Does this make me look fat?' And I said, 'No--it doesn't...' "

          "Good job."

"'...it makes you look like a drunken whore.' She didn't see the humor in it."

          "... Yeah. I mean, what a gut-buster."

        "Otherwise, I've been having trouble walking recently."

          "Eh--getting old, huh?"

        "No--I spread peanut butter down my pants."

          "Uh, why would you do that?"

        "To keep the jelly company, stupid."

"I need to know no more.

Wait--just one quick thing: Which team is going to win the NBA championship this year?"

        "That would be the Miami Heat."

"I see." [marks San Antonio Spurs]

"So, are you up for a little nominating?"

    "Yep. Like George Carlin after a performance, I'm ready to roll."

          "That's nice, but--"

"Like angry Middle-Easterners addressing a veil-less woman, I'm ready to rock."

"I get it already! Oy.

Proceed with the festivities while I'm still only ancient. Just watch what you say, OK? Heh heh--eh."

"You got it. And if you have the chance, check out the new product I'm investing in: 'Phallic-Shaped Macaroni - A Mouthful of Fun.'

Now, then.

It all boils down to one question in the end: 'Is this game worth playing?' The answer, when dealing with this topic of discussion, is of course 'no.' And why not? What is it about a game, especially one resident of an award-winning series, that makes it estranged? Quite simply, it betrays the very precepts of the original Castlevania and its spectacular follow-ups and completely misses the point. Questions must be answered: Was it worth the money and the time? Will we remember it ten years later? Was it fun? For the answer to be 'yes,' it has to be all about the atmosphere, the interesting stage design, the unique ideas employed, and the sense of challenge--not just the individual parts but the relativity of it all. This is great 'gameplay.' What the five following nominees represent is not. And they are:

• Castlevania 64: For the camera system that magnifies the undercooked platforming and idea-execution plus the confusing, sometimes objectiveless level design.
• Castlevania: The Adventure: For its four stages of mind-numbing madness via torrid movement, unfair platform-hopping, and the insane challenge therein.
• Castlevania Legends: For its long, repetitive and mostly uninteresting stages; its rotten platforming and rope-climbing; and its dumbed-down arsenal.
• Castlevania: Dracula X: For incoherent level design and misuse of Rondo's ideas and conventions--spiteful enemy placement and excess of moving platforms doesn't help.
• Haunted Castle: For being an impossible arcade game whose in-theory-fun concepts are wasted in what could have with restraint easily been a hit title.

You could click the link if you'd like, or you could buy from me some real-estate. Your choice."