"Why am I here?"                                     

 "There's no one here..."                                  

"That's right--the game only had one supporting cast member, and I chased her away quite rudely. What we could do is--"

[a violent seismic portal opens in a blast and closes quickly]

"YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"EEEEEE-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"     

           "WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"More important than 'what' is when."                        

           "WHEN?!"

"More urgent than 'when' is why."                          

           "WHY?!"

"Because I must."                                               

           "How come?!"

"Because I choose to."                                          

           "Huh? Why are you here?"

"The Matrix makes it so."                                     

           "What is 'the Matrix'?"

"It is everything, and it is nothing."                         

           "Gotcha."

"The Matrix bends and confuses the mind."                   

           "Right--I bet they miss you there."

"If one has not left, is he really there?"                    

           "Why does my brain hurt?"

"You've never used it before."                               

"You ratcha-fratcha...

"Listen: The topic of the day is Haunted Castle. Now, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but maybe you could say something about it. Something, maybe, that isn't a riddle. You know? I don't care anymore. If you've ever been in a haunted castle, or even a haunted house, just talk about that. Do anything. Anything!"

"I'm trying to free your mind. But I can only show you the door--you must walk through it."

"I'll show you the door in about a minute.

Who do you think you are--Samuel L. Jackson?"

"That's infuriating. But I will not wilt, because a flower whose leaves have fallen is but a warrior whose guard is bereft of justification. I do know of Haunted Castle, because Neo was once jacked into the game. Even he failed at it.

That's all you need to know. Talking about Haunted Castle's challenge-level is like discussing the conveniences of New Jersey. They were both made to break man's will. The stiff controls, the extremely unfavorable hit-detection, the ridiculous enemy pile-ups--all are meant to quickly gobble away your energy meter so that you will continue to enter whatever remains of your pocket change and then some after begging the guys over at the Wrestlefest machine. If the aforementioned don't get you, the boss fights surely will. Even then, the developers are beyond cruel because their game won't allow you to continue after a set number of energy refills. 'How am I supposed to finish it, then?' you ask. You're not--ever.

'Then why did they make this game?' you wonder. That's a good question, one that mortal man will forever ponder. Remember all that stuff I said about 'believing'? Well, forget it--you can't win. That dream is over." [jacks out]

"Allllllllllllll right.

Hummmm.

Can we get a better security system in here? You think? Remember when these shows required invitations?

Well, that's a good idea. Let's get someone in here who was actually invited. Ladies and gentleman, show your appreciation for our next guest, the swingingest vampire hunter around and the son of the famed Quincy Morris--give a cheer for another modern-day hero John Morris!"

 "You talkin' to me? Yooooooooou talkin' to me?"    

           "Why, uh, yes I am..."

 "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse."    

           "Oh, yeah? What's that?"

 

"THAT is why I won't do two shows a night anymore. I just won't."    

           "What are you talking about?"

 "K-Mart. 47 Oak Street."                             

           "What's at K-Mart?"

 
"DRAGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

DRAAAA-GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

           "Please take me, Death."

 

"Don't say that! Never say that! Goonies never say die!"

           "I'm not a 'Goonie.' "

 "I'm Batman."                                   

           "No you are not."

 "I'll be BACH."                                          

"Oh, no you won't--not with Lord Dracula arriving recently and now roaming around here somewhere."

 "In a way, all of us have a Dracula to overcome. For some of us, shyness may be a Dracula. For others, a lack of education might be a Dracula. For us, Dracula is a big scary guy who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is John Morris, the people of Castlevania can overcome their Dracula, who also happens to be the real Dracula!"

"Whatever you say, Johnny.

But hey--you see those cards over there? If you read the words as they're written, you may even get a part in a real movie!"

"I'll tell you the problem with this awards show: It didn't require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast you could, and before you even knew what you had, you patented it, packaged it, and slapped it on a Castlevania site. And now you're selling it. You want to sell it.

Speaking of packaging and selling something as quick as possible, let's talk about the nominees for 'Worst Sound.' Really, even though this series has its faults in various areas, somehow Konami always manages to provide a decent to superb sound selection for its games via music and effects. Sometimes it doesn't reach its goal--that pinnacle of greatness--and that's when it's most noticeable. That's when we notice that an important piece of the puzzle is either missing or damaged, and we call Konami out on it. More specifically, we call out the following five:

• Akumajou Dracula X68000: While its musical score isn't totally destroyed by the hardware's output, Konami didn't even try with the sound effects.
• Castlevania: The Adventure: Adventure's music is fine, but it also helps to slow down the game, which otherwise features a grand total of maybe three sound effects.
• Castlevania Legends: Legends' music is just plain annoying--scratchy, screechy and high-toned--and the game also heavily lacks in the area of sound effects.
• Castlevania: Bloodlines: It's another case of the hardware's output hampering the music quality; otherwise, its sound effects are squeaky and subdued.
• Haunted Castle: Its musical score is also hampered, this time digitally, and the sound effects are unbecoming and somehow distant from the action.

Click the link, won't you? And in case I don't see you again, good morning, good afternoon and goodnight."