"I'd like to be the first insect politician."              

 
"And your speaker, at 320 pounds and hailing from Warakiya, Transylvania: The King of Sting, the Count of Monte Fisto, the Master of Disaster--the one, the only ... Apollooooooooooo Son-YAH!"

"320 POUNDS?!

Well, let me tell you something, Rambo: I'll pull those overalls up so far and tie that whip around your neck so tight that you'll be looking and talking like Mickey Mouse."

 "I'M DETECTIVE JOHN KIMBLE!"            

"Yeah. And about that wench who called me a 'floozy,' I'd like to give her a piece of my mind!"

"So you're saying I have no brain? Is that what you're saying?"       

"Oh, you're damn ri--"                                                

"Now my cooking's bad? You try slaving over a hot stove all day and see what it gets you. Oh, sure, my rye may not amount to much on a taste scale, but I know that I've had the greatest meal of all time--I call it 'Alucard'--and all you've had is seconds!"

"I came first, sweety! You talk tough, b--"                  

"Oooooh, so now my voice is 'raspy'? Is that what you're implying? I can't express myself in a way you would like, with tone and clarity?"

"I sai--"                                                                

"I'm just a kook with no goals or dreams? Are you saying that my upbringing was lacking, which is why cosmetic surgery has become a vice? Is that it?"

"You ca--"                                                               

"And I'm selfish, you suggest? Yeah--but so what? It was mine before it was yours, and you can't handle it! The truth hurts, deary. Well, guess what, sister: Life is tough. Oh, sure, not as tough as getting the cover back on the PC tower or getting the straw into the Capri Sun--but it's tough."

"Woah, ladies! Let's take a step back here. It's getting rough out there. But have no fear--it looks like I'll have to handle this!" [puts on white gloves]

"While I provide some more therapy for our little fireball over here, why don't you attend to more important matters, Miss Sonia.

Oh, this could get ugly, in a Nick Nolte post-DWI kind of way. But I'll get everything well under control.

Pray for me."

"Yeah--wow. I've had Earth-saving encounters that weren't that overdramatic. Yeesh. Now I know why Alucard brings a sword to bed. I'm actually dizzy, and I need rest from these sensations...

Loud, annoying, repetitive, irritating. No, not Maria--I'm this time talking about the sounds of Castlevania Legends. If the series was partly built around delivering to us, the playing audience, striking musical scores--daunting and oppressive in their omnipresence--and sound selections that bring the action to life and never fail to capture us, Legends was the mother-in-law we only saw on the holidays; it pushed us away and broke us to point where we questioned nature about its whole 'hearing' thing.

I may be exaggerating a little, but the mediocre sounds and sub-par soundtrack are very much indicative of the entire development process--that's to say rushed and not well-planned. The high-pitched tunes screech out from the Game Boy's tiny speaker like a slightly-more-creative emergency broadcast signal, and they loop endlessly, it seems, across six overly long stages. And in the seven years in between the release of Belmont's Revenge and Legends, they still couldn't solve the hardware to the point where presented in sound is anything but 'PSH!' and 'DUDEL-LOO.'

Good job, guys. Maybe by the end of 2005, you'll get it right. As for me--sanity fading. I see pale women in green miniskirts everywhere, talking and talking! MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPP!" [runs screaming in terror]

"You think you got the worst of it? I barely escaped with my life!

Our little 'talk' did Maria good, though; she should regain consciousness soon enough. Sure--the library now looks like Oakland after a Raiders Superbowl victory, but it's a small price to pay.

But let's for a minute forget about ugliness. Let us remember that there are things in life that are pure and innocent--those moments and occasions that make us remember happier times. I'm of course talking about our next speaker, the young woman who proved that it's all about the extension of the will and not the sharpness of the blade. Give a warm welcome to one of the heroes of Castlevania 64--the strong and determined Carrie Fernandez!"

"Lol, thanx u"                                                           

          "Did you just say, 'Lole thanks you'? Who's 'Lole'?"

"LMAO"                                                          

          "Lole Lemayo? Huh?"

"ROFL"                                                     

          "It must be some type of strange new dialect."

"LOL, u sux"                                                  

"Perhaps you've accidentally put yourself under an anti-grammar spell again, my lady?"

"Ah u peeple, i am teh beST spelleE in here."                            

          "Or you're highly inebriated."

"WAT U SAY"                                                       

          "I, uh--woah. What in the world is going on?"

"u got teh pwned, lol!"                                                 

"Either way, it looks like another dilemma for ol' libby. Think, you cunning studmuffin.

Got it! When all else fails, switch on the the all-purpose 'AOL Biosense Spell Check and Translator'!

Ready, Miss Carrie?"

[Spell-check: On] "Ruffles and lull, Mr. Librarian--you rocks oars my box oars. Lull.

About graphics: In a great many cases, the benchmark of excellence is purely the realization of high-quality visuals, which for some are tantamount to nirvana. This is the extreme, yes, but there's something to be said about a game's 'look.' While actual gameplay is most important, the objective gamer agrees that a great presentation can help boost both the appeal and the personality of a game. If this application fails, the game usually fails with it. For those that succeed, we instead hold its scruffy and unbecoming appearance as an aberration.

True--even some of the best of games are visual clunkers, but we can't help but wonder what if the eye candy were as sweet as the rest of the fruit basket. Lull! In the case of our five nominees, wonders never cease:

• Castlevania II: Belmont's Revenge: While its diminished presentation is more the fault of the Game Boy, Belmont's Revenge isn't the best-looking game.
• Castlevania: The Adventuree: Its look is solid, but the processor, which accounts for graphics, impacts and drags down most every of the game's separate parts.
• Castlevania Legends: For its bland, sometimes completely textureless backgrounds and its fuzzy, pixelated and plain ugly enemy characters.
• Castlevania: Circle of the Moon: For the extreme darkness that hinders all visibility, and the very noticeable lacking of quality character animation.
• Castlevania: Dracula X: For sporadic graphical quality--sometimes great, sometimes not--and the odd palette choices that account for muddy-looking characters.

Now if you'd like to see my picks, La Mayo, please click the link soars below. He. He." [Spell-check: Off]