"And the winner is..."                                           

And here to accept the award on behalf of the Aria of Sorrow crew-- help me in welcoming that iron-jawed military hero Hammer!

          "Sure--now he shows up."

"Ratatatatatata! Ratatatatatatatatata! Blam! Bang! Blam! Boom! Blam! Ka-booooom! Exploooooooooooode!"

          "Now what in the world is that?"

"I'm blowin' away the competition!"                          

"Hey, remember: It's always proper to be kind and a good winner."

"Shaddaaaaap, ya blimey! That's the last time a four-colored wimp like you is going to tell Hammer what to do!"

"Oh, yeah? Cry about it tonight on your huge pillow."                  

"Arrrrrgh--me brain's achin', ya idgit! Stop usin' so many big words!"

          "..."

"Will you just say your piece already!"                         

"I'm gettin' there! Hold yer hamsters!

I suppose I should tell you blokes about about Aria of Sorrow. You see: There comes a time in any popular franchise's life-span when you simply can't tell the same story in the same way without compromising the games' universe. Aria went far beyond just resting on the laurels set forth in past releases--it proved that you could expound on ideas in unexpected ways, that you could have a game that's not 'Dracula versus the Belmonts' and make it only seem so. That's what makes the story so interesting; it's Soma Cruz, a seemingly ordinary young man, who holds the fate of good and evil's perpetual struggle in his own hands while the classic combatants, the Dark Lord and Julius Belmont, linger in the background only as symbolic links to his cause.

In essence, Genya Arikado and the other cold, calculating forces pass unto Soma that burden, for if he represents both sides--good's will to do what's right and evil's will to absorb, to take life away; he is then the true representation of the balance they seek. So, then, it's up to him to decide which of the encompassed feelings he harbors more. Genya's hunch was correct; Soma was indeed the 'good soul' they were hoping to find, and he brought about the balance they sought--Dracula quietly sealed away in his own empty realm while those dependable Belmonts lived on to hunt the night. In short: Aria's deep story manages to be quaint yet anything but formula."

"Hammer ... I'm shocked. That was absolutely beautiful!"            

"Blahhhhhh--it was the 'Final Thought' on Jerry Springer last week, matey. Now where was I? Oh, yeah...

Ye-HAHHHH! Ratatatatatata-tatat-BOOOOOOM! Eat that, Symphony and Dracula's Curse! Exploooooooooooooooode!"

(Sigh...)                                                           

"That's enough of that. Thanks, gentleman. Thank you, Hammer, for coming here tonight to accept the award. We appreciate your presence very much." [dials 911]

"And thank you ... kurrr-wahh-horrhh--aaahhh-other guy for joining us. Incidentally, if you're the hero from Castlevania: The Adventure, stick around for a while."

"Why's that?"                                                      

"Oh, nothing. Just saying is all.

Bugger off now--we have to move this ceremony along.

Folks, if I may, I'd like you to welcome the next speaker for the evening. You know him as our famed series' pioneer into the three-dimensional world. That's right, my friends; I'm speaking of that modern-day hero and forever a ladies' man--let's hear it for the courageous Reinhardt Schneider!"

"It is the will of all those who suffer to propagate the dubious expeditions fettered by those venerating in the oblong essence of Godlike beatitude henceforth regurgitating acquiescing rhetoric unseen to those who tribulatize the eminent evil of archfiends exemplifying obtuse propaganda vis-à-vis mistruths parlayed in roundabout diatribes from whence the recurring notion is harrowing consternation relinquished specifically to anecdotal repose. These queries, I denote, proffer indubitably charily forthright empyrean. For if such radical iniquity consigns ingloriusly, then dissolution begets unmitigated ataxia, capricious permutation and antepenultimated, you know, 'verve.' "

                       "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

"And now, a laconic study of the economy of Uganda."              

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nooooooooo. Thaaaaaaat's OK. We went over that before the show, you see."

"All right."                                                                

                     (phew!)

"Plebeians and miscreants, I concede that one of the most important aspects of a video game is its platforming via themes and realized ideas in what they call 'stage design.' That is, you want them to provide an interesting setup that sets a precedent while distinguishing one stage or area from another using a unique idea or a combination of those therein. Some games choose to stick to the monotonous stage-by-stage routine, wherein you zigzag around and around until you come to a boss and thereafter an altogether similar stage; others overuse the 'open-ended' formula and bore us to tears with uninspired areas--what with their 'slopes' and 'rooms'--that emulate the same structure and decor we've seen countless times before.

There are those designers who get it right by not limiting themselves to such an archaic vision. We'd like to give them the credit they deserve specifically through their creations. So, if I do declare, the nominees for best stage design are:

• Castlevania II: Belmont's Revenge: For incorporating Mega Man-style level-selection while having a ton of fun with ropes and stage interactivity.
• Castlevania: Symphony of the Night: For its more action-packed Metroid-type exploration, its huge interesting areas, and its upside-down mayhem.
• Dracula X: Rondo of Blood: For its outstanding use of split paths, alternate routes, hidden passages, puzzles and the ideas that complement them.
• Super Castlevania IV: For its scope in reinventing platforming with twisting and turning rooms, giant chandeliers, wild whip-swinging, and much more.
• Vampire Killer: For its looped screen-to-screen areas that encourage thinking and planning if you hope to find their exit points and other secrets.