"The loser? Sorry--there's no one here. If they are, I don't see them."

 

"There's no such thing.

Nothing to see here."

"I hate you all."                                                     

"You've got to cheer up, uh ... guy from game that wins bad awards.

And about you, Cornell: The jig is up--we know who you are. I've been dealing with crazies all day, and I've had just about enough. Give up the act."

        "There was no today. It all happened yesterday."

       "Why can't the castle collapse now? Why?"

   "'Castles' are a government ruse. They're all made from Legos."

       "Yeah, and--"

   "GROOOAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"

       "WHAT?!"

   "Sorry--I had three fruit cups, too."

"Bwah! Hawawawa... You ratcha...

Here's an idea: Why don't you go back to the litter box while our friend Craig says his piece?"

"There is no 'piece.' It's all hysteria brought upon by climate change, the Y2K bug and George Bush.

And it's a Nonasmal Mini-Pebble Containment Center, thank you very much.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to use it. LOOK, ELEPHANT!" [runs]

"And they couldn't find a greater role for me? Unbelievable.

So what is it this time--the controls? Did this game do anything right? 'No,' you say? Oh, well.

But Castlevania: The Adventure's 'control problems' lay more in conjunction with the previous category of stage design. With the limitations of the classic Game Boy in mind, they still seemed intent on trying to build beyond their britches. It obviously didn't work--the processing killed everything, and the just-make-it mindset for jumping was poorly conceived. At all times is a sense of button unresponsiveness, which leads to missed jumps, late whips, or the failure to grab onto a rope that lay directly over a bottomless pit. It's difficult to have control over your world when it moves like John Goodman after beer and wings. It's even more difficult when your means of transport are these insidious hangy ropes that you can only climb at a snail's pace while completely defenseless. The key was to supply for the player an advantage, which 'whipping while climbing' would have been. However, little to nothing is given to player in a game where the challenge (also affected heavily by the processing), alone, is already too much to overcome.

And that's it. I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Uh oh--not good. There's a very good chance that we'll be needing him again, but... I guess we'll just have to wait and see. He might change his mind. Really--I haven't seen this many people flee in terror since I watched moviegoers exit the theater after seeing Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

In the meantime, we have more show for you. Let's welcome another old and wise vampire-hunting master, a future-based descendant of the ancient Belmont clan. This is one cat whose legend can't be sealed away--let's hear it for Julius Belmont!"

"What is this place?"                             

       "You're in banquet hall of the famed Castlevania, sir."

"Oh. Have we met?"                                       

 "I'm the Master Librarian. You've been in this castle many times."

"Right. And, uh, why am I here?                    

           "Well, you're our next speaker for the evening."

"Ah, yes--of course!"                                      

           "Well, then... "

"How you doin'?"                                    

           "Uh, I'm fine. The cards..."

"Sure thing. Have we met?"                              

           "..."

"I forgot my keys."                                 

"Oh, I know what to do!" [shows Julius the whip he had hidden in the castle]

"The Vampire Killer? How did you get that?! You will return it to me, old man, or you will suffer your demise!

I, Julius Belmont, the banisher of the dreaded Castlevania, will take my place, again, as the hunter! No man shall stand in my way as I forever seal the evil Count Dracula in eternal decay!"

         "Y-yes, sir. T-take it. Take it!"

"Oh, kEEEEwwwwLLLL--it's like shiny and stuff.

How you doin'?"   

           "What..."

 "Have we met?"                                        

"Nnnnn-no--we haven't. I'm actually a messenger from the ecliptical overlords, who send this message:

'Dear Julius Belmont,

If you do not read the cards being held up by the funny-looking skeleton man, we will release Count Dracula back into this world. Mwu-hahahahaha! Mwah-hahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Ahhh-ha!

                                                                                         Love,
                                                                                         The Overlords.' "

"Good heavens! I must do what they say or mankind shall pay the price! After I'm done, though, I should form a posse and hunt down the guy who gave me this fashion tip.

Friends, those of you hardcore followers to this, the gaming industry: I'd bet that some of your fondest memories of classic gaming are those associated with the many challenges you faced in your hobby's earliest years, when men were men. While these games were cruel in the way they demanded a painstaking effort if the contestants hoped to clear them, there was a certain satisfaction derived from being able to clear such titles while your friends could not. To be a master is hard work, after all.

However, it takes talent--a certain balancing act--for developers to deliver a product that doesn't go overboard with challenge while still being difficult enough to please those who crave a good trial. Sadly, some developers fall from the highwire and create games that are either too easy or frankly unplayable. Other games feature tricks, traps and tribulations that make you wonder if their creators wanted to prove that they could create the insane and the impossible. I've got five examples for you:

• Castlevania 64: For its horrible camera system (again), the feared platforming procreated therein, and the imbalance in the form of too many supplied power-ups.
• Castlevania: The Adventuree: Also for its many mechanical failures, which make its platforming and, well, just moving a challenge you'll soon want to forget.
• Castlevania II: Simon's Quest: While not 'too easy,' Simon's Quest abandons the original's formula for a game that anyone can play and finish in due time.
• Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance: The adventure-RPG's lack of level-gaining limitation combined with too many power-ups makes Mr. P a dull boy.
• Haunted Castle: For being near-impossible; this quarter-muncher violates every tenet of game design and seeks only to empty your wallet for no reward.

Hurry up and click the link before I forget it's there."