"And the big winner is..."

"And now, vile demons and creatures of the night, I present to you our speaker to this cause. I give you ... the cre-a-tor."

"Bon-zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiii!"   

"Oh, my goodness! Who would have guessed this? Oh, this is truly an honor, sir. Mr. Igarashi... I don't know what to say, really.

On behalf of everyone at this ceremony--a lot of us created by you, ironically--I'd like to welcome you to the festivities!"

"GLEETINGS, ELLYONE!

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYAYA! YAAA-HAHAAAAAAAA-YA-LALALALA-HAH HAH! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAH WAAAH WAAAH WAH-WAH HAAAAAAAAA!

YA-YA-YA HIIIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAA! HAHA-YAH!"

          "..."

"HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

LA-YAAAAAAAAAAAAH-AYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAA! HA!"

             "What?"

"AH--ARUCARD! AH-HAAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAA!

BLACK OF WHITE! NIGHT OF DAY! EAST OF WEST! UP OF DOWN! BIG OF SMALL! LIVE OF TAPED! RUN OF WALK! HERE OF THERE! LIE OF TRUTH! COLD OF HOT! SMART OF DUMB! HOLE OF FILLED!

AHHHH-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HAHA-HAH!"

"Oh, my--this is quite a predicament. What to do? Oh, what to do?

Think quick, old man. I know that there's a protocol tenant running around in this castle somewhere! If only...

Wait a minute! Hey, YOU, over there!"

"I say--hello there! Are you looking for me?"             

"Yeah, yeah, you! We need your help with understanding something. Can you help us out?"

"Dear sir--I am programmed to understand over six million different forms of communication!"

"GOLD BUNNY WABBIT! AH-HAAAAAAAAAAA-HAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!

LALA-YAYA-LAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HAHAHA! A-RAH HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WAH, WAH, WAH-HAHA! LALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HA!

WET OF DRY! AH, HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

          "What'd he say?"

"No friggin' clue."                                          

"You ratcha-fratcha...

Muhhh--guards! Show our little friend here to the Alchemy Lab, would you? There's a nice little collapsing bridge he might like to inspect from underneath. Poleratin' tinhorn...

Oh, anyway. When all else fails, there's only one thing we can do: Activate the always-reliable Whacky-To-English Oscilloscopic Transmogrifier! Hit it!"

"YAH-HAHA! AH-HAAAAAAAaaaAAAaaand, as I belabored in passages four-nine, I believe that it was Euripides who taught this lesson well. It is the soul, you see, and not the transient other we--what's the word I'm looking for?--'harbor.'

Now, where was I?"

          "At about 'YAHHH-LALALALA-HA!' "

"Naturally.

Its title is Castlevania. It's a game we've cherished and long adored despite probably wanting to lay down a beating or two on its creators for the absolute hell they've managed to put us through. It's a strange process, really. Who could forget for the first time, on the game's second stage, being unceremoniously dumped into a bottomless pit thanks to mere contact with a perfectly timed Medusa Head? How about the raft ride in the catacombs, where assault by bats and fishmen was constant? Eagles dropping hunchbacks? Multiple failures against such cretins as Frankenstein and Igor and Death? Dracula returning for more just when you thought you had him licked? These were the tribulations that we may recall as being dreaded or painstaking, yet years later, somehow, they stand out as the hallmark moments that have come to define us as gamers.

Specifically, we remember Castlevania because of these isolated experiences, and I'm sure that we at the time expected its sequels to live up to it in terms of progression. It's no coincidence, then, that the sequels we consider to be top-tier titles are the ones that did follow this template; they do capture our imagination because Castlevania demanded us to imagine so much. It's sad in many ways that this influence is all but lost (I know nothing of this--I swear) in an age where the gaming populace has become so squeamish about such factors, but this gives us all the more reason to go back to the NES classic again and again, if not only to be reminded that it's OK to have certain standards.

Thank you, everyone! And congratulations to Castlevania!"

"That was very nice, sir. I can't tell you how much of an honor it is to have been in your presence. You've truly inspired us all.

May your future projects bring you much success. Who knows--maybe one day, in the future, we can work together again. I'm always looking for a part in a future game, you know!"

"Your thoughts and suggestions are most appreciated. And I'd just like to say that haaAAaaaA-AAAAAAAAH-HAHAHAHA HAAAA! HI-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAH-HAH!!

YEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

YAYA-HAH! WAH-HAHAHA! WAH WAH HA HA! AHHHHHHHH-HAHAHA! YAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAH! YOU RAELLY SUCK! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAH! HAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAH! IGARIN, IGARIOUT! AH-HAH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Wuh-oh. Something wrong with the thing. If I can just switch this and--yeeeeeeeeeah, that'll do it. (Phew!)

Well, that was certainly interesting. What, is Tokyo having a sale on Dunkachinos or something? Fifteen for the price of one? Really. Let's move on and never speak of this again, shall we?

Better yet, let's get all sophisticated as we welcome our next speaker for this evening: You know him as the the studier of lycanthropy. The solver of undead mysteries. The vampire-hunting master and unsung hero of Castlevania 64--let's give it up for Charlie Vincent!"

"No, no, no!

It's 'Mr. Charlie Vincent, the master of lycanthropy, the super sleuth of undead mysteries, and the definitive vampire hunter of this or any era!' "

"Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me. I thought it was a more-than-respectful introduction, 'Mr. Vincent'!

Having gone through absolute hell today, you could at least cut me some slack!"

"Stop dangling participles! Here's what you meant to say: 'Having gone through hell today, I feel that I've earned a bit of slack.'

Not only is your diction severely lacking--your command of the language is clearly not up to par with mine! You have to learn to not be so extemporaneous."

                 "But you just split an infiniti--"

"No grammar checksies. CALLED IT."                    

            "But you sa--"

"LALALALALALALALALALA. CAN'T HEAR YOU. LALALALALALALALA."

            "What the--"

"I'M HENRY THE EIGHTH I AM, THE EIGHTH I AM, THE EIGHTH I AM, THE EIGHTH I AM. I'M HENRY THE EIGHTH I AM, THE EIGHTH I AM. I GOT MARRIED TO THE WIDOW NEXT DOOR. SHE'S BEEN MARRIED SEVEN TIMES BEFORE."

            "This isn't fa--"

"CHARRRRRRRLES IN CHARGE OF OUR DAYS AND OUR NIGHTS. CHARRRRRLES IN CHARGE OF OUR WRONGS AND OUR RI-YIGHTS. AND I'LL SEE--I WANT, IIIIII WAAAAAAANT CHARLES IN CHARGE OF ME! WELLLLLL, WE'RE THE MARIO BROTHERS, AND PLUMBIN'S OUR GAME. NOT LIKE THE OTHERS--"

"All right. All right! Stop it ! You win, OK?

Geez--with all this fuss, maybe I should read the nominees for the 'Best Sound' award!"

"Stop talking nonsense! Leave the proceedings to me!"     

            "Then go ahead."

            "I will!

             And you're a pee-pee head. Infinity!"

            "..."

"Well, now--back to business after yet another unsurprising victory. For now, let's talk about the aural quantum of this musically inclined series.

Like the feature films of yore that inspired them, the many 'Castlevania' games for some are most strongly defined by their whimsical sense of harmony, a very certain heightening of one's senses--the chill of suspense and slight tremor for the danger that lurks ahead--and their skeleton-exploding, flame-engulfing and armor-shattering sound selections. To put it bluntly: Our fine series has become such a standard-bearer in the area of atmosphere-set-through-sound that people just demand a topnotch effort each and every time out, as if the very presentation of sound while essential is wholly its own entity as is, say, the music of John Williams compared to his enhanced works (Jaws, Star Wars and Superman among them). With these facets in mind, we give you the top five in this sector--five nominees of almost divine accord:

• Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse: For running with Castlevania's influence and delivering much more in the way of stage-defining spookiness and dread.
• Castlevania: Circle of the Moon: For going out of its way to honor past compositions, therein excellently redefining them for a whole new audience.
• Castlevania: Symphony of the Night: For being just that: A symphony of musical bliss accompanied by an equally impressive sound selection.
• Dracula X: Rondo of Blood: For testing the waters of CD enhancement and delivering a high-octane soundtrack littered with one standout after another.
• Super Castlevania IV: For perfecting the process of matching brilliant stage themes to stages themselves while affording the characters a sense of life.

Just one click and I, your connoisseur of chorale, will reveal to you the winner."