"And your big loser, as I predicted (no need to go back and look)..."

"Well, here we go again; there's no one left to accept the 'award.' Maybe if we--"

"I'll just be taking that, thank you! You [censored] son of a [censored]!"

       "My word! Why, I've never..."

"Could it be my old roommate from Missing Mascot Camp (Konami sent us here from 1991 to '94)? Is it really Cranky Kong?!"

"Why if it isn't that [censored], old Mop Beard himself! Still ripping off my act, are you? Bah."

        "What do you mean by 'ripping off my act'?"

"Why, look at you with your [censored] book, and your little green chair. You make me [censored] sick. 'Oh, I'm so original! I'm giving advice to people that happen by my habitat!'

Where have we seen that, you [censored]?!

'Oh, I'm on 32-bit hardware, and I'm still only a sprite!' This is 256 colors worth of good ol' 1994 wireframe here, bud. Don't you [censored] forget it!"

        "Yeah, yeah--whatever. But what are you doing here?"

"I'll tell you why I'm here: I'm absolutely [censored] sick of it! I'm not going to stand here and watch you people tear this game down any further. It's a classic whether you agree or not. Exaggerate all you [censored] want, but this is what video games were and will always be about. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that."

        "Well, we admire your courage in standin--"

"What, because it has only a limited number of [censored] colors? Oh, is it 'too difficult' for you, you pansies? Deal with it. Maybe you're just not [censored] good enough. That's right--you've all gotten so damn lazy that your only escape is to bash perfectly good games. You [censored]!"

        "Mind you, this the opinion of several peop--"

"Your reflexes are too [censored] slow--that's the problem. Back in my day, we didn't have 'dual-shock' or 'motion-sensing remotes'--and we could still clear games through sheer effort, without using 'codes' or 'Game Gypsies.'

Right now, you have some of the worst [censored] trash on the market, and you're all complaining about a game like this? It has everything current-day games don't have: Style, class, and a whole lot of intangibles that you sure as hell won't even credit. You [censored]!"

"Wow--I didn't know that people felt so strongly about Castlevania: The Adventure."

"What the hell is 'Castlevania: The Adventure'? I thought this was the Donkey Kong Jr. Math awards?!

What's the [censored] deal?"

        "Oh, no--this is the 'Mr. P Castlevania Awards.' "

                "What? 'Castlevania' sucks!

                 How do I get out of this place?"

"Hey--I resent those remarks! I'll take any 'Castlevania' game over any 'Donkey Kong'!"

"Why, you would, you [censored] homer! But the difference between you and me is that I can prove what I say. I'll tell you why Castlevania: The Adventure bites the [censored]!

How do you like them there apples?"

         "Why, then, go ahead. (Sucker!)"

"I most surely will, you [censored] eyebrows-need-trimmin' [censored].

Look--I'm as big an advocate for old-school gaming as anyone, but you have to call a spade a spade. Or in this case a [censored] a [censored]. If you've been following this waste of perfectly good bandwidth they call an 'awards show,' you've already heard about Adventure's many failures. And, yes, they all contribute to this abomination of a game in their own 'special' way. Clunky controls, massive slowdown, crazy platforming, unresponsive buttons, and the insane challenge entailed--they all take their toll, as we've learned. However, Konami's developers went the 'extra mile' and brought to us more of their 'swell' conventions, like whip regression, foes that regenerate at the slightest screen-scroll, limited continues, confusing item-usage, and just plain enemy overwhelment--all those wonderful things that make us want to play again and again! Those [censored]. All told, you're blessed with four stages of pure hell, in a game you might for some reason play again, one day, only to remember why it was gathering dust for seven years.

Yes--Castlevania: The Adventure annoyed us, irritated us, and left us with property damage sometimes in the thousands. And you ask: 'Did anyone actually clear this game legitimately?' Nope--never happened! Not even I could do it. And if I can't do it, no one can! And don't bother playing any other of this series' games--they're all the [censored] same! Just as bad, I admit.

There! Now how do I get the [censored] out of here?"

"It's the first portal on the left, you callous monkey. Step on through and you'll arrive right at your 'ranch'! (Heh heh!)

Watch out for Bubbles!"

"Huh?"                                                                              

"Nothing--be on your way. And on the way out, don't monkey around!

Oh, I kill me! Heh. Very good.

And you know what, folks? With that, we've come to the end of the second half of our show (thank the Dark Lord!). Contrary to what we did at the end of the show's first half, we're now going to list for you the worst 'Castlevania' games as designated by the site author. In the process, we'll again be awarding gold, silver and bronze placement to the three luckiest of losers before listing the rest according to degree of awfulness. Which game is the worst ever? What others surprisingly made the top (bottom?) three? How much hate mail are we going to receive for this? While I finish strapping this dynamite to my chest, you should go ahead and click the link--but be prepared for the worst!"