"Here's your big loser, one who's not married to me..."               

"And to once again accept the award is Chris Towferr!"           

"This is starting to get ridiculous. I want to go home."         

"Oh, sure--isn't that just like a guy? Wait till I'm out of the house and then go home. And then you can get together with your buddies and talk about how needy I am. Is that it?"

"I don't know you."                                             

"And there you go! If you would have spent a moment of your time just talking, rather than flying around the castle tower at nights like a dope, maybe you'd know the real me--the person crying inside for your affection."

"Can I go now?"                                                   

"Oh, that's right--turn into a wolf and run just when things get tough. You're a real hero. I'm calling my lawyer tomorrow."

"Help."                                                                 

       "Hey--at least it's not me."

"That's right--you're not me. You'll never understand what I've been through. I thought my mother was crazy when she asked why I was marrying you, but now I see that she's right. 'There has to be something wrong with a white-haired guy who spews flames from his midsection,' she said. And she was right. She was right."

"I'll tell you what, Christie: You say your little piece while I provide a bit of counseling for our fair maiden over here. If I don't make it out, I want you take my place in line, you hear?

Keep the books in order, and perhaps fix up the library interior if you get the chance. Some customers have the gall to complain that they can't leap the fifty yards required to reach past the first floor. Man--people are so out of shape."

"Whatever--just keep her off my back.

Now let's talk about pure hell. That's right--the level design of Castlevania: The Adventure. Where to start? Well, first, it would have been a good idea had the developers actually given me the ability to consistently clear certain distances. They didn't, and it required many attempts--many of them culminating in death--to jump from one platform to another, even in the most simple instances. They could have supplied a convenient way for me to travel to new areas, but nope--they gave me ropes and no ability to defend myself while climbing. And worst of all, they went absolutely bonkers late in the game by positioning me in one scrolling area after another where all the aforementioned problems were magnified thanks to the game's major villain--the Game Boy's dreaded processing power. All I could is miss every jump in panic after spending ten minutes dredging through this slow-moving nightmare just to get to that point. Never mind, also, that the enemy placement toward the end was just plain unfair. Two Gobanzes with whip regression always an issue? Really--this game was made purely with frustration in mind. And this result it did yield.

I'm glad that I'm done with it, forever, and you probably are, too. What else could I say except 'congratulations' to those who live to drive the rest of us insane. To the team that brought us Castlevania: The Adventure, it's time to take a bow!"

"Hada-baba. Hurra-hoorrrrr. Eeeee. Ewwwww. Walla-walla, binga banga. Mamama-wama hama-bama. Ha-wah. Nyah. Yahhh.

Wow. T-that woman...

Must never marry. Happy alone. Yes--very alone. Suffering much better. Here I stay.

OK--where were we? Oh, yeah--still here with this thing. What can I do? Well, maybe I can cheer us all up by welcoming another fine speaker. You know our next guest as the man-beast from Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness. He's that dual hero of pain and sacrifice--let's stand and honor the one and only Cornell!"

        "I do not know of this Cornell of which you speak."

       "Huh? Then who are you?"

        "Bob from accounting."

       "No you're not--you're Cornell from Legacy of Darkness."

        "Am not."

       "Am to."

        "Am not."

       "Am to."

        "Not, not, not."

"Come on--you're the guy who sacrificed 'the wolf' in order to save your sister, Ada, and prevent Lord Dracula from pulling her into the underworld!"

        "Nope--never happened."

"And you're also the one who found out how to break the seal--how to bring out the wolf power. Remember your encounters with Ortega?"

        "All horrible lies."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh--I see what's going on here. You've become so lost in the falsity of your own world that your only escape is to deny the truth. You weren't so honest with Ada, after all."

"Your words have no bearing. In fact, I'd just like to saARRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW-OROOOOOOOOOO
OOO-OOOOOOAR!"

       "Yikes! What was that all about?"

        "Sorry--I had the beef soup at lunch."

"Well, OK, then, 'Bob'--you want to do us a favor and read what's on the card? Could you please?"

"This type of process does not exist. There are no cards, at least none that require my reading. It is me and me alone. Now, allow me to give you a speech as I am making it up on the spot.

I ask you this: What it is that makes the many series' games either playable or utterly unplayable? Turn page. ...

Uh ... what I mean is that as we turn the page of life, we find ourselves with games that are more and more difficult in concept, and our means of control must always suffice if enjoyment is to be had. Super Castlevania IV, Symphony of the Night and Harmony of Dissonance showed us that a game works so much better when present is a hero who is equipped with the tools to keep in check his or herself as well as the surrounding world. Some developers missed that class and thought of limiting the hero as a way to provide challenge; instead, when not supplying a hero who is under control, they only 'limit' a game's appeal. More than anything, a broken control scheme can plain ruin an entire game, as it did for our five nominees. They are:

• Castlevania 64: For its camera system, which made its only-decent controls all the more troublesome while making for some disastrous platforming.
• Castlevania: The Adventure: For its non-response to button-presses, its woefully inefficient means of defense, and another case of processing gone awry.
• Castlevania Legends: For again taking its cues from Castlevania: The Adventure while added is a hero who just won't make that damn jump to an obvious platform.
• Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness: While not totally bound by the ineptness of Castlevania 64, Legacy doesn't do enough to cure all of its deficiencies.
• Haunted Castle: For purposely providing rotten jumping and climbing mechanics so that we might die over and over while wondering why we're even bothering.

Hold for applause and tell them to follow the link. ... Uh..."