|"You know something: There's a reason why a lot of your favorite heroes from the Castlevania universe aren't exactly in the category of 'talkative type.' We're the brains of the operation, and you'd better believe that! I mean, I once asked one of them what a 'participle' is and he said, 'Not a whole sipple.' It's true. You know those random idiots that Jay Leno talks to on his show? Yeah? Can you say 'descendants of the house of Belmont'? But they wouldn't tell you this--oh, no. Hiding something, are they? A little bitter? Well, I'd be upset, too, if my family's ascension was akin to Conan the Barbarian morphing into post-2000 Michael Jackson. Make my library crumble every fifty years? Stupid ... bumbling foo--oh, my poor heart! While ol' Libby fetches some Tums, you see it for yourself."|
Interviews With Countless Castlevania Characters
Interview with Simon Belmont
MarcKal: Well, today, I'll be talking with Simon Belmont. So, Simon, how's it going?
Simon Belmont: My life sucks….
SB: Ever since Castlevania Chronicles, Konami hasn't put me in one game….*sob*
MK: Don't cry Simon. Your gonna upgrade your sissy look.
SB: WHAT SISSY LOOK!?
MK: Well, in Castlevania Chronicles, one of the modes has you with pink hair and something NOT even Michael Jackson would wear!
SB: SHUT UP!
MK: WHY DON'T YOU!
SB: *gets out holy water and throws it on MK* TAKE THAT!
MK: Dude…I'm a human and a Christian….is that supposed to hurt me?
SB: It usually works.
MK: Yeah, it usually does…anyway, how did you feel in Castlevania Chronicles?
SB: Okay, I WAS A SISSY! *sob* *sniffle* *sob*
MK: Dude, are you okay?
SB: NO! Ever since Castlevania Chronicles, they didn't put me in any Castlevania games!
MK: Well, there are always fan made games!
SB: Well, there is a remake of Simon's Quest that's called Dracula's Shadow, and that one's pretty decent.
MK: My point exactly.
SB: Well, what about that game that's similar to Castlevania?
MK: That one's good too!
SB: IT HAS NO SOUND!
MK: So? The chick is hot when you see her on the website.
SB: …..Well, most anime chicks are hot.
SB: So, anymore questions?
SB: ….So, are we done?
Interview with Richter Belmont
MK: Hello Richter.
Richter Belmont: HOLY CROSS!
RB: Sorry, but yelling that out is pretty cool….I mean, with crosses circling you and….yeah….oh yeah….mmmmm….ye-
MK: DUDE! THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE! *hits Richter*
RB: TAKE THIS! *throws holy water on me*
MK: Dude, I'm a human and a Christian…..
MK: Dude, my clothes are already wet because of your ancestor.
RB: Which one?
RB: The sissy?
SB: I HEARD THAT!
MK and RB: .....
MK: Anyway, what was it like working with Alucard?
RB: Pretty cool.
MK: What do you think of that hentai with you and Maria?
RB: EGHHHH! GOD! THE PERSON WHO MADE THAT HAS A SICK MIND! VERY SICK!
RB: Eghhh! Was I here to be reminded of that foul anime porn?
MK: No, but still….
RB: Eghhh…MAN! She's my wife's younger sister!
MK: Yeah….so how did you feel when Maria got laid by Alucard?
RB: Maria got laid by who!?
MK: ….Uh….Richard Nixon?
RB: NO! I HEARD ALUCARD! *runs after Alucard*
MK: Anyway, I guess this interview is over….
Interview with Alucard
MK: Hello Alucard?
Alucard: How do you do?
MK: I'm fine.
Al: So, I was just being chased by Richter, but I just gave him the old one, two.
MK: You beat him up with your fists?
Al: No, I gave him a one and a two.
RB: WHY ARE THESE GIANT NUMBERS CHASING ME!?
MK: Now, I know you did it with Maria.
Al: WHO TOLD YOU!?
MK: There's a Castlevania family tree.
MK: The Castlevania Legacies site, but you can see it on Mr. P's site too.
Al: Mr. P? MK: The guy who's part of the VG Museum.
Al: The Castlevania guy, right?
MK: How did you feel about that hentai with Richter and Maria?
Al: *sob* I HATE IT! *eyes turn into fire*
MK: Dude, your gonna set my studio on fire.
Al: DON'T MENTION THAT! *throws holy water on MK*
MK: OKAY, THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH! *starts cursing wildly*
Al: That was harsh….
SB and RB: Yeah….
MK: Sorry again.
Al: Let's just continue….*sniffle*
MK: Okay, so do you like Symphony of the Night?
Al: THAT GAME IS AWESOME!
MK: Sure is.
Al: I MEAN, THE GAMEPLAY AND MUSIC IS GREAT!
MK: Dude, you don't have to yell. You'll wake the chupacabra.
Al: The wha'?
Chupacabra: GRRR! *grabs Alucard and drags him into his lair*
MK: *shrugs* Anyway, I guess our interview is done.
Interview with Maria Renard
MK: Hello Ms. Renard. *kisses hand*
Maria Renard: *giggle* Well, I-
Al: GET OFF MY WOMAN! *charges into MK*
MK: DUDE! I WAS BEING POLITE!
MR: Yeah, he was Adrian.
Al: Honey, can't you call me Alucard?
MR: Not unless you behave.
MK: ….Anyway, did you and Alucard actually….uh….
MR: Do it?
MK: So, do you find him sexy? Because I'm a dude, so I really don't know about what girls or gays think about guys.
MR: Yeah, I found him 'sexy'.
MK: Well, to men - and me - you are pretty sexy. *laugh*
MR: *blush and giggle* Why, I-
Al: GRRRRRR! *puts sword to MK's neck*
MK: Dude, this isn't funny!
MR: Alucard! It was a joke!
MK: Well, you are actually-
Al: GRRRRR! *moves sword closer to MK's neck*
MR: ADRIAN FARENHEIGHTS TEPES!
MR: Please let us continue our interview!
MK: Yeah, what she said!
Al: …..Okay….*goes upstairs*
MR: Now, let us continue.
MK: So, what did you think of Alucard at first?
MR: In Nocturne of the Moonlight, which was the Japanese Sega Saturn version of Symphony of the Night, I didn't trust him, so we fought.
MK: Yeah, but when he beat you, you trusted him?
MK: HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE!?
MR: I don't know.
MK: Uh…I suppose your right.
MR: Anymore questions?
MR: Well, goodbye, I hope I'll be seeing you soon.
MK: Me too. *kisses hand* You'll see me in the sequel of this.
Interview with the Succubus
MK: Hello Succubus.
Succubus: Hello little boy.
MK: Actually, I'm almost a teenage-
SCBS: Want to have a good time?
MK: Hell no! Even though we could do it in my dreams, still, I'm not risking my soul so I can get laid early!
SCBS: I won't steal your soul. *innocent look*
MK: Actually, that innocent look won't work. First of all, you're not wearing panties; Second of all, your breasts are sticking out. Wait….HOW MANY IMPANTS DID YOU GET!?
SCBS: A couple.
SCBS: I can make them as small as that Capcom succubus Lilith.
MK: The one from Darkstalkers?
SCBS: Well….want me to make them Morrigan size?
MK: Nope. I mean, I like breasts, but we have to get it on- I MEAN-
MK: I MEAN WE HAVE TO GET ON WITH THE INTERVIEW!
SCBS: But you said-
MK: Sorry, maybe later I'll use that summon succubus spell later.
SCBS: But you said that you didn't want to do it with me.
MK: Well, I don't think you're gonna steal my soul after this interview.
SCBS: I'm not, but can I ask why your gonna think that?
MK: I don't know….maybe we'll consider each other friends….who do each other in my dreams….
SCBS: Okay, so we'll meet at what time?
MK: The time I go to bed.
SCBS: Chew on black licorice.
MK: Got it.
Interview with a Skeleton
MK: Hello Mr. Skeleton.
Skeleton: Just call me Skeleton.
MK: Sure. Now, do you hate the Belmonts?
SK: Actually, the Belmonts and me are pretty good friends.
MK: But in the games-
SK: No, outside of the games, we're VERY good friends. See, we're forced by players and game designers to fight in the games.
MK: So, do you hate Alucard?
SK: Actually, me and Alucard are playing cards with Slogra and Gaibon tomorrow.
MK: Oh, can I come?
SK: If you want.
MK: Okay, cool. What time?
SK: 10:00 PM.
MK: Okay, tomorrow I'll meet you, Alucard, Slogra, and Gaibon. Now, back to the interview, do you put yourself together when whipped or cut up to pieces?
SK: Yeah. I usually force Slogra to put me back to the way I am.
MK: Is Gaibon old?
SK: To humans, yes. To demons and monsters, no.
MK: How old is he.
SK: In human years, he's three-thousand.
SK: In demon years, he's five.
MK: So, he has an adult voice and adult look, but acts like a five year old?
SK: Anyway, I gotta go now.
MK: It was nice talking to you.
SK: See ya'.
MK: Bye. Okay, so wasn't that the freakiest thing you ever read? Anyway, read part two for more interview goodness.
Interview with Leon Belmont
MK: Hello Leon.
Leon Belmont: *sniffle*….
MK: What's wrong?
LB: SARA IS DEAD!
MK: Hey, dude, she's in your whip, well, her soul is.
LB: So, if I wanna get laid, I do my whip?
MK: NO YOU SICK FREAK!
LB: What do I do then?
MK: Get another chick.
LB: Yeah, your right!
MK: And maybe you can buy a banana!
MK: Well, everyone likes bananas!
LB: Not me.
MK: Why not?
LB: They give me a hard time in the bathroom
LB: Now, let's just continue with the interview.
MK: Sure. Now, what do you think of Mathias?
LB: He has become a cursed being, and I will never forgive him. This whip and my kinsman will destroy him someday. The Belmont clan will hunt the night!
MK: Dude, I'm not here to listen to you ramble about cursed beings and stuff, I'M HERE TO INTERVIEW YOU!
MK: YEAH! YOU DON'T WANT ME PISSED!
MK: Oops. Well, anyway, I'm just gonna interview someone else….yeah….now….
Interview with Mathias Cronqvist
MK: Hello Mathias.
Mathias Cronqvist: This is my revenge against God!
MC: I'm practicing my lines.
MK: For what?
MC: Castlevania on Ice!
MC: It goes from Lament of Innocence to Aria of Sorrow!
MK: You mean with the girl?
MC: What girl?
MK: Soma Cruz.
MC: Oh, him.
MC: Yeah, he's gonna be there.
Soma Cruz: I AM NOT A GIRL!
MC and MK: Right….
SC: I AM NOT!
MK: Anyway, are you really Dracula?
MC: Konami didn't tell me yet.
MK: So you don't even know who you are? Interesting.
MK: Come on! Make some theories!
MC: Fine….I'm actually….OLROX!
MK: You mean the freak that could change into a giant lizard?
MC: That was him?
MC: I thought he was the guy with the long white hair that actually IS a boy.
MC: That's Alucard!?
MC: I thought that was Olrox!
MC: Man, I should start playing Castlevania more.
MK: Which games have you played?
MC: Lament of Innocence and Aria of Sorrow.
MK: Any gripes about those two games?
MC: You said grope.
MK: YOU SICKO!
MC: No, seriously, you did!
MC: Anyway, in Lament of Innocence, you couldn't be ME and in Aria of Sorrow, you had to be a girl. Finally, when you beat it, you can just put Julius in and be a BOY!
SC: I HEARD THAT!
MK: Okay, we're done. OH NO! SOMA HAS DEATH'S SICKLE! RUN!
Interview with Death
MK: Hello Death.
Death: Ah, MarcKal, what is your business here?
MK: I'm here to interview you.
DTH: We will meet again! *leaves*
MK: Okay, that was pretty short.
Interview with Dracula
MK: Hello Vlad.
Dracula: Call me Draco.
MK: Well, you'll get sued by J.K. Rowling then.
MK: Harry Potter dude.
D: Blast that boy wizard!
MK: Dude, the movie is cool!
MK: Anyway, are you actually Mathias.
D: I don't know.
D: Can I bite you?
D: I'm thirsty.
MK: BITE SOMEONE ELSE THEN!
MK: I don't know! Maybe John from Castlevania Bloodlines.
D: Or maybe Duke Nukem!
MK: He's not in Castlevania.
D: Then who's the guy with the blond hair and incredibly ugly face?
MK: Some dude named Eric Lecarde.
MK: Now, what form is your favorite?
D: THIS! *changes into a huge, pink monster*
MK: Heh, you're pink.
MK: You're a sissy now. You're actually sissier than Simon!
D: HOW COULD I BE SISSIER THAN HIM!?
MK: Dude, you're pink.
MK: Oops. Anyway, I'll just interview someone else….
Interview with Sara Trantoul
MK: You're….a whip.
Sara Trantoul: So?
MK: Can't you make a ghostly vision of yourself?
ST: *sigh*….I'll try. *a ghostly vision of Sara appears*
MK: Heh, I can punch you, but I won't actually touch you. *punches Sara's ghostly vision*
ST: *falls back*….WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?
MK: It was an accident! I didn't mean to touch you!
ST: Hey, when you say that again.
MK: It was an accident! I didn't mean to touch you!
ST: Doesn't it sound sick?
MK: Hey! It does! Wait….
ST: LEON! MARC TOUCHED ME!
MK: NO I DIDN'T!
LB: GRRRRRRRR! *charges into MK*
-An hour later-
MK: Okay, I think I'm okay.
LB: So it was a misunderstanding?
ST: But you even said-
MK: ….Okay, this interview is done.
Interview with Lydie Erlange
Lydie Erlange: Hello.
MK: Now, let me ask you one question. Do you love Juste or Maxim?
MK: But how did Juste pass on the Belmont genes?
LE: Sorry, I just like that word.
MK: It's a good word, but anyway, why do you dress up like that?
LE: Don't know.
MK: Anyway, are you still friends with Juste or Maxim?
MK: Maxim? Come on! The guy was seduced by evil!
LE: DRACULA SEDUCED HIM!
MK: NO! I mean, Maxim turned evil!
LE: Oh….well, yeah….he did.
MK: And that's why no one wants to be friends with him except for Juste and you.
LE: He turned good in the end.
MK: Only if you got the good ending.
LE: *sigh*….Your right.
MK: Anyway, our interview is over.
MK: Yup, sorry!
LE: That's fine. I've got to screw Juste so he can have a child so we can continue the Belmont family.
Interview with Frankenstein
MK: Hello Frank.
MK: Dude, I don't understand you.
F: Ehhhh. M
K: Dude, you're annoying me.
MK: I don't understand you.
MK: SHUT UP!
MK: I SAID SHUT IT!
MK: JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!
F: Dude, stop being so harsh!
Interview with Soma Cruz
Soma Cruz: Hey.
MK: So, why don't you get your haircut?
MK: And why don't you stop wearing make-up?
SC: I DO NOT WEAR MAKE-UP!
SC: SHUT UP!
SC: I DON'T WEAR MAKE-UP!
MK: Yeah you do.
SC: SHUT UP!
MK: Soma, if you want, I can get Simon to take you to the mall and there, you can buy make-up and thongs and stuff.
SC: I SAID SHUT UP!
MK: Never mind little missy.
SC: GRRRRRR! *leaves*
MK: What a bitch.
To send feedback, e-mail me at MarcKal2001@yahoo.com