Interviews With Countless Castlevania Characters
Interview with Nathan
Nathan Graves: What!?
MK: I never liked Circle of the Moon!
NG: It's good!
MK: Anyway, is it true Hugh kicked your ass?
NG: Actually, I kicked his.
MK: He said that he kicked yours!
Hugh Grant: Uh…. (runs)
MK: Anyway, your not a Belmont, so why do you get the whip!?
NG: I just did, okay!?
MK: NOT OKAY!
NG: (sticks tongue out at MK)
MK: (sticks tongue out at NG)
Interview with Soma Cruz' Mom
MK: Today, we have a special guest. It's Soma Cruz's mom!
Soma Cruz's Mom: (walks in) Hello.
MK: Hello. Now, is it true Soma's in a new Castlevania game?
SCM: Yes he his. The game is called Castlevania Fashion Designer. (pulls out game)
SCM: QUIET SOMA!
SC: Yes mommy…. (sniffle)
MK: Uh….right….now, is Soma a boy or girl?
SCM: He's a boy.
SCM: He just likes to play with his dollies a little to much.
SC: (playing with little dolls and saying stuff about Barbie in a sissy voice) Hi Ken! (looks and sees MK and SCM looking at him) AHHH! I mean… (takes out action figures) Captain Ken, I'll kick your ass!
SCM: ….Who wants cookies?
MK and SC: ME!!!!
Interview with Juste Belmont
MK: (with cookies in mouth) Hello. (crunch) Sorry, I'm just eating my cookies. (crunch)
Juste Belmont: Can I have some?
MK: NO! (hides cookies) Now, do you know why wearing red is a good thing?
JB: (looks at red clothing) Uh…no.
MK: It's said to scare ghosts.
Ghost: (comes) I'm a ghooost!
JB: YOU CANNOT ATTACK ME!
Ghost: (starts beating up JB) ARGHHHH!
JB: MARC! YOU DIRTY LITTLE (Okay, everything he said after "little" is censored)
MK: (jaw drops) Oh my God…..
Ghost: You know what? Your too filthy to be attacked. (goes away)
JB: What does he mean by filthy?
MK: That means you swear too much.
MK: You disappointed a couple of your fans.
Two fans: WE HATE YOU!
MK: I didn't mean couple literally.
Many fans: WE HATE YOU!
MK: There we go!
Interview with Trevor Belmont
MK: I don't think I interviewed you.
Trevor Belmont: Nope.
MK: So, were you in the first game.
TB: I think…yes….no….yes….no…..yes….no-
MK: SHUT UP!
MK: SHUT THE HELL UP!
MK: That's it. (pulls lever and TB is ejected out of the building)
TB: (outside the building, in the air) …..yes…..no…..yes…..no
Interview with Gaibon
Gaibon: I WANT A CUPCAKE!
MK: Uh…. (Slogra walks in and goes over to MK)
S: He's pretty young for a demon.
MK: SHUT UP!
G: MOMMY! WAAAAAAAAH! (A bigger version of Gaibon walks in)
Gaibon's Mother: TAKE THIS! (hits MK across the room)
MK: That's it! (takes out the Power of Sire card and uses it)
D: You called?
MK: Um….beat up Gaibon's mom.
D: Fine. Whenever someone uses Power of Sire, I'm supposed to harm something….can't I garden?
D: (beats up Gaibon) Happy now?
MK: I SAID GAIBON'S MOM!
D: (flicks his finger at GM) Flick.
MK: You baby.
D: One time use. (leaves)
GM: (beats up MK) GRRRRRR!
Interview with Soma ... Again
MK: So, once again, I must ask you, ARE YOU A GIRL!?
SC: I TOLD YOU BEFORE! NO!
MK: Well, if you're not a girl, why do you like men?
SC: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?
MK: I've seen you talking to Aluc-…I mean Arikado.
SC: I know his name is Alucard now.
MK: Well, uh, you see- SHUT UP!
MK: So, Soma, why aren't you with Minie or Mine or whatever?
SC: IT'S MINA!
MK: Jeez, never saw a woman get so steamed about another woman.
SC: SHUT UP!
MK: Whatever…uh, anyway, do you like her or something?
SC: Obviously! About every Castlevania game there's a girl and obviously the hero digs that girl.
MK: Like Maria and Alucard!
MK: Like Lydie and Juste!
MK: Like Michael Jackson and Yoko!
MK: Oh, I mean children, not Yoko.
SC: Oh, okay.
MK: Like Mina and you?
MK: Say, don't you dig those demon maids in the Inner Quarters?
SC: Of course! (sees Mina standing behind him) I mean, uh…BAD SOMA! BAD!
MK: I'll take her off your hands!
SC: NO! You already "did" like all the Castlevania chicks!
MK: Not Mina.
SC: *CENSORED* OFF!
SC: GO *CENSORED* A *CENSORED*!
MK: YOU SICK FREAK!
SC: (says something in Latin)
MK: MY MOTHER WAS A DECENT WOMAN!
Interview With Perspherone (Demon Maid)
MK: Hey there (does manly arm flex *ala* Fable)
Perspherone: You're not a pervert, are you?
MK: Of course not! *kicks dirty magazines under chair*
P: I can easily clean this place and check under that chair.
MK: Why do you need to clean?
P: Because I'm a maid.
MK: Whatever…. (takes out magazine and reads it)
P: The fake cover fell off.
MK: HOLY WATER….wait…. (shrugs and throws the magazine under the chair)
P: You perv.
MK: I'm no perv…I'm just very lonely (puppy eyes)
P: ….Awwwwww (walks over to Marc and gives him a friendly hug)
MK: (touches bottom) SCORE! Uh, I mean-
P: (slaps Marc) YOU PERVERT!
MK: I'm just extremely lonely and deserve a hug!
P: SHUT UP! (cries to room)
MK: ….Wasn't me.
Interview With Julius Belmont
MK: What's up?
Julius Belmont: Nothing much.
MK: So, did you know that everyone hates you?
MK: Seriously, everyone thinks you let down the Belmonts!
MK: Because how the hell did you save the day in Aria of Sorrow?
JB: (cries and runs away to his mom)
MK: STILL WASN'T ME!
Dracula Interviews MK
MK: Why the hell did you tie me up?
D: You vandalized my castle.
MK: I did?
D: I'm still trying to find that out. Now, tell me everything bad you did!
MK: OKAY! I'll talk!
MK: (crying) In third grade, I used my uncle's toupee as Mose's beard in the school play! In 4th grade, I pushed my cousin down the stairs and blamed it on the cat! In fifth grade I peed on the school and said it was my friend! (an hour later and still confessing)
D: (shaking head)
MK: (continuing and still crying) Th-this is the worst I've done! In ninth grade, I went home and made a pot of fake crap and I went on a balcony on a movie theater! And…this was sick! I poured it on a guy and yelled, "ENGGGHHH! ENGGGHHHH!" And then he started barfing and everyone started barfing on each other! (cries more) I feel so bad about it!
D: ….THROW HIM IN THE INNER QUARTERS!
In the Inner Quarters
MK: (sees the same maid) Sup baby!
P: You're still a pervert!
MK: I'm not THAT much of a pervert!
P: Just shut up.
MK: I'm sorry about earlier! MY DEEPEST APOLOGIES! (cries)
P: ….AWWWWWW! (hugs MK)
MK: (grabs P and starts making out) HA! I have kissed you and therefore I have kissed another girl in the Castlevania series! (writes in journal)
P: (slaps MK) You slipped me the tongue!
MK: It was brief!
P: It was for four seconds!
MK: ….And you're point is? I've made out a LOT longer!
P: TEST ME THEN!
MK: (starts making out with P again)
D: (walks in) I've got cookies! (sees the two) EWWWWWW! You sicko! (punches MK) She's a demon!
P: Yeah, so? Plus, I need to test his lips.
P: He says he can make out for a long time.
D: If you want a good tester, lemme do it!
MK: HELL NO!
MK: I rather much have her….or her (points at witch)….or even her (points at old woman)
MK: WHAT!? I'm desperate!
P: Fine, if you're so desperate…
MK: BOOYAH! (grabs P and runs away)
Interview With Soma AGAIN
MK: (comes back from the Inner Quarters) Well, I feel quite good today.
SC: Yeah, that's because you-
MK: Yeah, I kinda know.
SC: Yeah….You're sick.
SC: First of all, she's a demon and second of all, she's….well, I don't know, but I'm sure there's another reason!
MK: SHUT UP!
SC: (pulls out Claimh Solais) OH YEAH!?
MK: (girl scream) AHHHHHHH!
SC: Nah….I can't hit an innocent citizen….Dracula'sminionsaywhat!
SC: YOU'RE DRACULA'S MINION! HIYA! (attacks MK)
Interview with Victor Belmont
MK: Well, this interview will be quite boring.
Victor Belmont: Why?
MK: Because they canceled your game!
VB: Well, yeah, but-
MK: BUT WHAT!? Nothing! Besides, Sonia looked like she was high in the game, so I'm kinda glad it didn't come out.
VB: But it was going to be WAY better than Lament of Innocence!
MK: No it wasn't.
VB: YES IT WAS!
MK: SHUT UP!
VB: Oh yeah? Well, listen to my very evil Spanish sentence! Yo comer pantelones. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
MK: You eat pants?
MK: I took Spanish class.
VB: HOW ABOUT THIS!? Yo comer gatos!
MK: YOU EAT CATS!? HE EATS CATS!
Soma Cruz: That's blasphemy! (hits VB with Claimh Solais)
MK: I know!
SC: (points at VB) I should kill you!
MK: Uh…you already did.
SC: (points at MK) HE DID IT! (runs away)
Interview with Cagnazzo, Lubicant, and Skull Millone
MK: Hi guys.
Cagnazzo and Lubicant: Hello!
Skull Millone: Ola!
MK: Now, guys, what is it like being enemies in AoS?
C: Well, it's kind of fun, yet painful.
L: Yeah, you should see Soma fight.
SM: Uhuh. Float like a bee, sting like a butterfly.
C: Skull, you got that reversed.
MK: ….O-kay. Now, guys, why doesn't Skull over here have a weapon?
SM: Because I had to give it to Cag or he'd take my cookies.
SM: SHUT UP!
MK: ….O-kay. So, are you three brothers?
SM, L, C: Yessum.
MK: Alrighty then. Now, why does Skull have poison?
SM: Because they got weapons, so I got poison.
L: Shut up.
SM: You shut up Lube!
L: NO, YOU!
MK: ALRIGHT, ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP!
SM, C, and L: ….
SM: GET HIM!
C and L: YEAH!
MK: SHIT! (gets attacked by C, L, and SM)
Interview with Pedro the Magical Taco Angel
Pedro: Wassup, meng?
MK: Uh…nothing much?
P: Tha's good!
MK: Who are you anyway?
P: You know that Guardian Soul in AoS where you fall down slowly?
P: That guy behind Soma is me, meng!
P: Crap, you stopped pressing down the R button, meng! (disappears)
MK: Uh… (presses down R again)
MK: (lets go) Well, that was a rather weird interview….and short too.
Interview With Succubus
MK: What's up?
Succubus: Okay, why do you use the summon succubus spell each night?
MK: Because I'm lonely… (cries)
S: THAT'S NO EXCUSE TO TIRE ME! (hits MK across the head)
MK: I would use Soma's sword if he didn't give it to me!
S: How does that make sense?
MK: Well- See- I- SHUT UP!
MK: Now, why did your voice actor really…suck?
S: Don't American voice actors most do? (points at R.A.D.)
MK: (shivers) Ugh… Well, not all.
MK: So, is there such thing as the chicken soul in AoS?
S: I don't make a major appearance, except as an enemy, but since I do know a lot about the game, I can tell you.
S: Well, if you consider the basilisk and cockatrice chickens, then yeah.
MK: What about actual chickens?
MK: DAMN IT! ANOTHER TWENTY-FOUR HOURS WASTED!
MK: WHAT WAS THAT!?
MK: Okay…so, what do you like wearing revealing clothing, because in SotN, I could see your-
S: You snuck into the game!?
MK: Unknown to Konami, I snuck into the crowd and while you and Alucard were talking, I was just watching you fight.
S: Does Konami know now?
MK: (gets close to camera) DON'T YOU DARE TELL ANYONE. (looks back at S) So, did you used to be Dracula and Alucard's whore?
MK: Ewwwww…old men and vampires? That's just gross.
S: Dracula isn't THAT old.
MK: HE'S ANCIENT!
S: No he isn't!
MK: ADMIT IT! HE IS!
S: Okay, so he's a little old!
MK: A LITTLE!?
MK: He's like one thousand!
S: YEAH! He is old! ….DAMN IT!
MK: HA HA!
Interview With Soma, again, because he's annoying me to death
MK: Why do you want me to interview you!?
SC: Because I need someone to help me out.
MK: What did you do?
SC: I kinda burned down the Hakuba Shrine.
MK: YOU WHAT!?
SC: Sorry, but I was simply doing the church a good deed!
MK: NO, IN FACT, YOU SINNED!
SC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (runs around in circles)
MK: Soma, you suck! Mina is gonna be all over you when she gets to the shrine.
SC: She was already there…
MK: YOU BURNED DOWN THE SHRINE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER!?
Mina Hakuba: (from far off) SOMA!
MH: (marches inside the interviewing room) Soma! YOU SON OF A BITCH!
SC: Well, you're a….a….CHICKEN!
MK: Soma, you suck even more.
SC: AHHHH! (runs away)
MH: What was that about?
MK: I dunno.
Interview With Mina Hakuba
MK: So, Mina, did Soma plant a seed in your garden yet?
MH: Yes, he did help me garden two days ago.
MK: No, I mean-
MH: YOU SICKO! NO!
MK: Oh, because he told me you did.
MH: YOU BASTARD! (starts hitting SC)
MH and SC: WHAT!?
MK: DAMN ME AND MY THINKING OUTLOUD!
MH and SC: (attacks MK)
Interview with Basilisk
MarcKal: Uh, you're a giant chicken.
Basilisk: SHADDUP! I'm more than a giant chicken…I'M A GREEN GIANT CHICKEN!
MK: And your point is?
B: Well, uh…SHADDUP!
B: I'm cooler than YOU!
MK: Uhuh, right. I'm shaking in my little boots.
B: YOU'RE WEARING SHOES!
MK: Shut up!
B: BRING IT ON!
MK: FINE! (pulls Colonel Sanders out of his wallet) Meet COLONEL SANDERS!!!
B: POCK! (runs)
CS: Awwwwww, I wanted to have some chicken!
MK: (sees Cockatrice walking by) Oh, good buddy COCKATRICE!
Interview with Colonel Sanders
MK: What, exactly, is your role within Castlevania?
CS: I'm the one who supplies all those food items in SotN, dangnabbit!
MK: O-kay. Now, what do you think of Alucard?
CS: He's a pig! Always gobbling up my good food!
MK: But he needs it for health.
CS: Sometimes he just eats it!
Alucard: (on a couch, eating ice cream) Mmmm…this is SOOOOOOOO delicious!
MK: You jacked that ice cream from an Ice Shade didn't you?
MK: You butt-munch! You're not supposed to steal things from women!
A: But it's SOOOOOOO delicious!
MK: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! JUST GIVE BACK THE F**KING ICE CREAM!
A: No, MINE!!!! (waves hands in circular motion)
CS: Uhuh…. (runs)
Interview with Alucard
MK: GIVE IT BACK TO THAT ICE SHADE YOU DIRTY BASTARD!
MK: You ass-jack!
A: A what?
MK: Someone who sticks their hands up someone's-
A: Don't tell me…..and how am I one anyway?
MK: It's an insult, you butt-munch!
MK: Yeah, you heard me, butt-munch!
A: You son of a bitch!
MK: Oh, I'm shaking in my little boots!
B: THEIR SHOES!
CS: COME HERE! (chases B)
B: POCK! (runs)
MK: O-kay…. (punches A)
A: YOU MOTHER- (gets kicked down)
MK: Take that butt-munch!
A: You suck!
MK: No, you!
Interview with Scylla
MK: You know, without the rather disturbing monster parts, you're kinda hot.
A: (runs in) Well I think you look good either way!
MK and S: What?
A: Well, what I mean is-
Maria Renard: You adulterous freak! (runs away, crying)
MK: You butt-munch!
A: WAIT! (runs after MR)
MK: So, am I the only one who thinks you should be in more games?
S: I dunno.
MK: Oh, no, I have to go!
MK: Because I need to do a special edition of my interviews!
S: That's too bad….
MK: I know.
MK: Bye! (runs away to his studio)
To send feedback, e-mail me at MarcKal2001@yahoo.com