OCTOBER 11, 1999
Live from the Incognto family's backyard in Salinas, Ca.
Foleyite Interview
In a move that shocked many longtime GX fans, Foley was escorted to the
ring by critically acclaimed actress Natalie Portman. As many know, GHarb77
and G Incognto are the Star Wars fans in these here parts.
Foley: "Now Natalie, you were in the latest Star Wars film, and GHarb77 is a big fan of that particular film. What do you think.. a Star Wars fan like him ..thinks of a guy like me?"
Natalie: "Well, I haven't met him..so I don't know..but I appreciate all the fans that I do meet!"
Foley: "Bullshit. Natalie, you're a respected actress. Phantom Menace..The Professional..what do you think of me?"
Natalie: "I think you're a manipulative..wrong..sexually confused asshole."
Vince McMahon: "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, FOLEYITE. I'm not gonna let you parody an entire HHH segment. This has to stop. It's bad enough that you're attracted to women, but harassing and beating up women hasn't been cool since 1994."
Foley: "IT'S MY TIME. I want my title shot, Vince. Don't make me revert back to my English accent, and parody a Bulldog interview."
Vince: "God, anything but a Bulldog interview...You want a title shot? You've got it. You've got it TONIGHT. And since you've been so intent on pushing the Kliq, we're gonna change things around tonight. ANTI & Yuri will get another shot at your buddies W4 & Skull TONIGHT. Instead of the Kliq having whatever they want, I'm giving Kuno Powers, Outkast and Carl Hafer WHATEVER THEY WANT HERE TONIGHT. And Reverend G Incognto will receive his rematch for the Intercontinentally challenged title RIGHT HERE IN SALINAS TONIGHT."
Foley: "This is a pretty packed card....sometimes... it's like there's so much Sloptro in the world..it's like I can't take it. And my heart.."
Drunk Guy in Crowd: "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FAG!!!1111"
Rest of Crowd: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA"
Inter-Gender champion Andy Kaufman vs. Christopher Lowell
Lowell recieved a surprisingly positive reaction, and gained even MORE respect
from the GX fans by introducing them to the wonderful world of flower arranging.
Kaufman recieved a surprisingly negative reaction, and gained even LESS
respect from the GX faithful by introducing them to an erection. We all
know the real reason behind Kaufman doing this wrestling bit now. Kaufman
lured the lovable Lowell in with a 'test of strength', but Kaufman kept
backing away and pointing to his head.
Kaufman: "I got the brains. Get in your kitchen where you belong, Lowell! ::whispering:: Meet me after the show, you little minx."
Lowell did not care for Kaufman's cruel stereotyping and tackled him to the mat. Andy reversed a hiptoss and fell on top of Lowell for the pin. One. Two. Three. Kaufman gloated until Battle Monkey made a rare appearance, and proceeded to rape the bejesus out of both Kaufman and Lowell.
BM: "I raped MrPerfectn and G Incogleyite. And I just want a World title shot. Then I'll rape Harb70. Again, I apologize for not having the greatest mic skills. They said I could just beat and rape people when rap music did not play VERY LOUDLY. The whole process has been very confusing for me. Ok, I don't know what to say here. Ok, bye."
DesDev Is Seen In The Rafters
WCWSchvnne: "IT'S DES IN THE RAFTERS! This is much too early for him
to appear. Does he not have a watch up there? I mean, I'm sure someone can
hook him up with a watch. We got Natalie Portman. We can damn sure afford
a watch for Des."
GHarb77 Walks In the Back Carrying a Tote Bag He Got from PBS For
Free
WCWSchvnne: "LOOK OUT! Des might be in the rafters, but Harb has just
arrived here in Salinas! He'll go one on one with the Right One NEXT!"
Jerry Lawler: "No, our tag title match is coming up next. You have the format upside down."
WCWSchvnne: "There's an actual format? Well, the two biggest stars in online entertainment are coming up later! That's all that matters, Jerry!" ::bends down and cuts head open on an ice sculpture of a penis::
Dean Malenko: "That's the last time I make one of these. Ouch."
The Freebird-like Trio of Mr. ANTI, KaneRobot and Yuri Meditate
Together
ANTI: "Kane, you can take my place in the tag title match. I have too
much on my mind, babycakes. This deal with Steve Case is something I'm gonna
have to deal with on my own."
Kane: "No problem. And after I'm done kicking their ass, I'm gonna grab a copy of "Middle of Nowhere".....shine it up real nice...and then I'll listen to it, bub. Yuri, do you like Hanson?"
Yuri: "well personally dude i like whitesnake and sammy hagar and maybe some ratt but i dont really lik"
Kane: "Shut up."
Yuri: "HAHAHAHA TES well I guess I had that one coming dude"
World tag team champs W46578 & DOAskull vs. KaneRobot &
Yuri
Prior to the match, the champions waved the Union Jack and sang "All
You Need is Love". Nikolai Volkoff has nothing on these guys. Much
to their dismay, they were interrupted by Kane and Yuri, who both appeared
to be intoxicated. Kane press-slammed Skull to the outside and began pounding
away at W4, in a drunken haze. Yuri watched from the corner and marked out
for every offensive move Kane had to offer. Kane quickly disposed of W4
with a chokeslam but had the pin broken up by the Kliq's token Hawaiian,
DOAskull. The champs attempted a double-suplex and succeeded. But did they
notice that Yuri was perched on the top rope, ready to unveil a corkscrew
moonsault? Apparently not. The Heartbreak Kid of AOL was obviously hopped
up on some kind of medication, because he never pulled off this move before.
Yuri tossed Skull to the outside, and whipped W4 into a Kane powerslam.
ONE. TWO. Not really.
Yuri: "DUDE LETS DO A DOUBLE PROZAC ELBOW AND THEN PUTO N OUR BRET HART SUNGLASSES AND MY BLACK AND RED NWO SHIRT FOR THE LADIES"
Kane: "Let's not and say your mom's toothless. Come here."
Yuri: "oh cool you're gonna toss me onto the champs WTF DUDE WHAT ARE YOU DOING"
Kane tombstoned Yuri onto W4, and then pinned the Beatles-esque Kliq member. ONE. TWO. THREE.
WCWSchvnne: "This is unbelievable! We've got new tag team champions!"
Lawler: "Are you tryin' to tell me that Kane and Yuri are now a tag team? AAAAGGH!"
The Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Players Interview
Kuno: "Well, Vince said we can have whatever we want tonight. So here's
all I want. I know that Battle Monkey keeps attacking GX's color commentators.
Well, there's only one man that can handle color commentary."
Outkast: "You've never done any color commentary in your life, silly."
Kuno: "Not me. I'm talking about ALF."
Drunk Guy in Crowd: "OHHH HELL YEAH BUDDY"
Carl: "As for me... I just want to get rid of this Anal Delivery gimmick. It's damn humiliating. Foleyite's given me the T.L. Hopper of GX gimmicks. Call me Carl. Or even "Crazy Carl" or something lame like that. Hell, call me "Womanly Ward".."Rapist McGee".."Johnny Smallpenis".. anything would be better than this. I called my mother and she was so proud that I signed with GX..."
Outkast: "There's only one wish I have. And it's a big one. I'm really nervous about this, but I have to take the risk. Foleysis, if you're back there and I know you are, would you like to go out on a date with me?"
Carl: "Then I told her about the gimmick..and..it's caused enough pain."
Popular Kid in Crowd: ::hugs Foleysis:: "Foleysis is MINE. Now if you'll excuse us, we'll be making out and watching tapes of "Dawson's Creek". Later, losers!"
Outkast: "Don't leave me hiiiiiiii-"
Carl: "I told you to stop doing that. You sound like a girl."
Kuno: "Man.. that's brutal."
World champion GHarb77 vs. Foleyite
Over the PA: "Montel, is this wrong?"
WCWSchvnne: "There he is. The Right One. The Gayme. He claims it's his time, and I fear he may be right."
On his way to the ring, Foley gave a blonde in the front row his number and blew a kiss to a fan with a "FOLEYITE IS THE GAYME" sign. Why do those heteros always have to rub it in our faces?
::glass breaks::
::WCWSchvnne gets a new do::
The West Virginia Rattleharb was ON FI-RE, knocking The Right One down with right hand after right hand. Eventually, the champ caught him with a clothesline and scored the first near-fall of the encounter. It worked the first time, so Harb set up for another clothesline. Foley ducked a pair of clotheslines, but ran straight into a Thesz press and a follow-up elbowdrop. Another near-fall for Harb. At this point, Harb was distracted by a Natalie Portman poster a fan had and lost his focus. The Right One leveled the champ with a ball-shot and followed up with a Fisherman's superplex, only to get a two-count. Fans stomped and started chants in favor of Harb, but it wasn't enough to keep Foley from controlling the match. The Right One worked over Harb's neck and slapped on a reverse chinlock for a BORING FIVE MINUTES. Eventually, Harb side-suplexed the outed heterosexual and SLOP COLD STUNNED the California Kid to a huge pop. ONE TWO. Who turned out the lights? Fans begin chattering and whispering in the dark, which is very rude.
Drunk Guy in Crowd: "WHO JUST GRABBED MAH ASS BUDDY"
The lights flickered and eventually came back on, and DesDev stood over a lifeless Harb in the middle of the ring with a wiffleball bat.
"The Gayme" smiled and covered the champion. ONE. TWO. THUD. A baseball hit Foley DIRECKALEE in the crotch, and he made the strangest sound anybody has ever heard. After rubbing his sore crotch for a while, he took a look at the baseball which read: "FAG. Your friend, AAisWAR."
Des did his best to look ominous and then slowly made his exit, as Harb recovered. Foley turned around after massaging his crotch, and walked right into a Slo pCold Stunner. One. Two. THREE.
WCWSchvnne: "It's NOT Foley's time. Unless being beaned in the testicles is what he was referring to. And somehow I doubt it. But who attacked Harb, when the lights were out? Des?"
Lawler: "I saw the same thing you did, Schvnne. Hey look! A woman in the front row with cleavage! AAAGGGGHHH!!!"
Footage of an Empty Hospital Bed
Nurse: "Ok MrPerfectn, the results are back and it doesn't look goo..oh
shit. This is the fourth time this has happened this WEEK. MrPerfectn? Hello?
Come back, honey. We'll give you some Jell-O! The green kind!"
Dr. McRigsby: "Nurse..where's the guy with broken ribs?"
Nurse: "I.. I lost him."
Dr. McRigsby: "DAMMIT JANE, I'm a doctor..not a...bah. This is the part of the job I hate the most."
::kicks midget's corpse into a trash can::
Miss T0Y Backstage Interview
Gene Okerlund: "T0Y, after a brutal match with Andy Kaufman at Gettysburg
Havok, you're STILL Womyns champion! To what do you owe your tremendous
success?"
T0Y: "Well, Mr. Okerlund, I'd like to thank my Brothers for believing in me. And my good friends in the Kliq for supporting me, of course."
IceWolfX69: "Don't forrrrget to thank all the asses you've kissed."
T0Y: "Would you please leave me alone? I'm really tiring of you interrupting me, with your petty crap."
Ice: "Me and you are gonna have a war, paaaal. And when I say war, I mean it as an analogyyyyyyyyy for war. Yanno?"
T0Y: "Huh?"
Pete Lothario Hears a Who
Pete: "How can I get over...how can I get over..how can I get over..."
The "Benny Hill" theme plays, as Rick Parka stumbles by and struggles to get the peanut costume off of his head.
Pete: "Rick, how does one 'get over'? I've tried using my connections..dressing in drag..bashing someone who IS over..I've tried everything."
Rick: "MMMMFFFFFFFF I CANT BREATHE I AM GOING TO DIE SOMEONE PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY BEFORE I SUFFOCATE PLEASE"
Pete: "Yeah..I should fake my death! That'll make people care! They'll know what they missed when they think Pete Lothario has said goodbye to this cruel world! Thanks Rick!"
Rick: "SHOOT ME"
Intercontinentally challenged champion Jobber4WCW vs. Reverend
G Incognto
Tonight, in front of a hometown crowd, G was looking for two things: vindication..and...some
Andre Dawson card he's been trying to track down. Sigh. G didn't wait for
any bells. He just went out there and TURNED THIS MOTHER OUT. The Reverend
began the match with a springboard dropkick that knocked Jobber on his external
posterior. (R.I.P Gorilla.) Jobber fought valiantly, but was quickly tackled
to the ground and forced into the Salinas Pepper. G's hometown crowd went
ballistic for GX's holy man, while Drunk Guy in Crowd voiced his disapproval
with the price of beer. After reaching the ropes and breaking the hold,
Jobber whispered to G.
Jobber: "Damn, I'll be in great shape tonight. This match with you is quite a workout. And Malaki and I will have a little workout later tonight...IN BED."
G raked Jobber's eyes and attempted to rip the champ's ear off, before he was held back by the referee. After arguing with the ref about Todd Van Poppel, the Reverend turned around and was hit by a D-Lo-esque kick from Jobber. Jobber attempted the kick A GANE, but the ring savvy Incognto ducked and let the ref take the hit. The fact that there was no referee didn't seem to stop these two warriors. The Reverend hit the champ with the "Holy Roller" and a superplex, but Jobber fought on. The Kliq member hit G with a Sky High and a brainbuster, but G STILL GOT UP. As the two continued to battle it out, the one and only TRENT DILFER began strolling down that aisle.
WCWSchvnne: "This Salinas crowd is going wild! Trent Dilfer is making his way to the ring!"
As G and Jobber got to their feet, G rubbed his eyes and smiled like a child on Christmas morning. Dilfer entered the ring and pointed to Jobber. The crowd jumped out of their seats and began chanting "G'S FINALLY DONE IT <clap clap clap clap clap>", as Dilfer got a running start at the champ. Jobber ducked Dilfer's clothesline and then Jobber and Dilfer executed a double-clothesline on G. What the hell? Dilfer screamed "break his neck" and Jobber dumped the Reverend on his head with the Running Jobber Bomb, as Dilfer ripped off his jersey to reveal a referee shirt. Dilf made the fast count, onetwothree, and Jobber retains the belt yet again.
WCWSchvnne: "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Can we PLEASE book G to win that title already? Sweet mother of God, WHAT IS THE HOLD-UP?"
A Guy Walking Down The Streets of Salinas, Clutching His Ribs
MrPerfectn: "Must..find ..Battle Monkey."
Giant Guido in a Leather Jacket: "Hey punk, we don't take kindly to strangers around here."
MrPerfectn: ::hiss::
::GGIALJ runs away::
[Fade to black.]