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GX Pays the Dead the Respect they Deserve
WCWSchvnne: "Fans, in honor of Yuri's dog Sparky, we will salute him the only way we know how. No, we aren't going to have Battle Monkey rape some celebrity, or use Dead Guy from Suddenly Susan for some cruel one-liner. We're going to do the right thing, and give YuriDog #1 a ten-bell salute.

DONG. DONG. DONG. DONG. DONG. DONG. DONG. DONG. DONG. DONG.

MekZhaoyun: "I got your dong ... DOWN HERE. Will you people shut up? I'm not doing anything disrespectful. I didn't interrupt the ten-bell salute. I waited until it was over before I cut my promo, so just get off of my back, you bleeding-heart liberal bitches. I have a song I'd like to dedicate to Yuri's dog. DEAD-I-CATE. Ha. Here goes: DIE DIE DIE MY DARLING. DON'T UTTER A SINGLE WORD. DIE DIE DIE MY DARLING. JUST SHUT YOUR PRETTY MOUTH. I'LL BE SEEING YOU AGAIN. I'LL BE SEEING YOU IN HELL. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEEEEE."

WCWSchvnne: "We came so close, too."

Pete Lothario vs. Carl Hafer
Although both of the men in this match have been seen as nothing more than jobbers since their respective debuts, WCWSchvnne and Jerry Lawler put the match over as if it was some kind of sign of things to come. Lothario dominated the earlygoing, but soon made the mistake of running the ropes for a minute, while Hafer recovered. Young Carl took Pete down with a drop-toehold and followed it up with an impressive springboard moonsault. The Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Player then climbed to the top turnbuckle and executed a beautiful missile dropkick.

WCWSchvnne: "These young guys can really fly! I've never seen ANYTHING quite like this!" ::points to an elephant making love to a pig in the crowd::

Jerry Lawler: "I'm telling you, you really need to get Comedy Central."

After doing the Pee-Wee Herman "Tequilla" dance and checking out the elephant-pig lovefest, Hafer was ready to pin his fallen opponent.

Foleyite: "WAIT. Pete, I don't know you very well, but any friend of Mek's is a friend of mine. I am BEGGING YOU. Don't let these young guys tarnish your reputation. Don't let Vince tell you who to job to. What have all these young guys done to deserve a push? Why should we job to guys like the Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Players and Yuri? Just because they have youth on their side?"

Hafer: "Great. Thanks for fucking up my push, Foleyite. This is just great."

As Hafer saw his young career go up in flames, Lothario whacked him in the back of his left leg with a hickory stick and then rolled him up for the one, two, three.

Earlier Today: Yuri Says Goodbye to Yesterday
WCWSchvnne: "Fans, if you thought what Mek did out here was bad, you should thank your lucky stars you didn't attend the funeral of Yuri's dog Sparky earlier today. This is absolutely disgusting, but we're showing it anyway! Grab an egg salad sandwich, some Funjuns, a can of Jolt and enjoy!"

Yuri: "We are gathered here today to say bye to YuriDog #1. Sparky, you were a good dog. I've been good to you. WTF IS THAT DUKES OF HAZARD COP CAR DOING HERE ARRRGHHHH THIS IS TOTAL BS IM HAVING AN F'N FUNERAL FOR A DOG HERE"

Mek: "Hey, could you say "Yuri" a dozen more times? Hey, and while you fuck your dead dog, I could introduce your peg-legged momma to the sergeant with the purple helmet."

Yuri: "WTF A PURPLE HELMET"

Mek: "It was a metaphor for my penis."

Understandably enraged by that statement, Yuri charged at Mek's car, only to be run over.

Pete Lothario: ::twirls cowboy hat outside the window:: "THREE POINTS!"

The Marine from Milwaukee exited his car, and tied the casket where poor Sparky lay to the back of his vehicle. Lothario hopped into the driver's seat, as Mek chomped on a cigar and hopped into the passenger seat. A lethargic Yuri hopped onto the casket and boogie-boarded on it, as Mek and Lothario turned the radio up full volume.

Mek's Car Radio: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, WIPE OUT."

"Wipeout" continued to play as Yuri fell off of the casket and into a mulberry bush, and the segment ended.

W46578, DOAskull & Jobber4WCW vs. Jesus, God & Trent Dilfer
WCWSchvnne: "Fans, unlike other companies, we won't wait until a big rip-off of an event to end this angle. We won't wait until the big Monday show. We're gonna end this religous crap right now. We don't need anymore hate mail from the Christians."

Kathie Lee Gifford: "As a Christian, I find GX to be a disgrace!"

WCWSchvnne: "Aren't you Jewish?"

Kathie Lee Gifford: "No comment."

The match itself was too short to even be considered a match. That's what happens when you book a match featuring six guys and give them four minutes. W4 & Skull used quick tags and some of their old patented moves, but you don't just put a guy like Jesus away with a "big splash". Jobber added the brawling element to the Kliq's threesome and had a short brawl with Trent Dilfer, before tagging back out to W4 a second later. Dilfer paused and pointed to the Kliq's corner.

WCWSchvnne: "I could be wrong, but I think Trent was supposed to point to Jesus, and get the fans all hyped up for the hot tag."

Jesus tapped Dilfer's shoulder, and fans went wild for the abdominally-gifted savior. Jesus reversed a W4 Irish whip and surprised his loyal following with a bicycle kick to the Kliq member's chest. Skull, Jobber, Dilfer and God began brawling in the aisleway, and the referee had no luck breaking things up. The referee should have paid more attention to the ring, in retrospect. As Jesus pounded away at W4 and damned him to hell, George Harrison slid into the squared circle and broke a guitar over Jesus' head. W4 pounced on Jesus, JUST as the referee began paying attention to the action in the ring again. One. Two. Three.

Andy Kaufman Has a Shocking Announcement
Kaufman: "Thank you veddy much for the airtime. Especially since ... I have TWO MONTHS LEFT TO LIVE. No, no, I know what you're all thinking and saying. But this is no trick. I'm not trying to "Kaufmanize" any of you. I have a rare form of lung cancer. I don't drink, don't smoke, I eat right.. God knows how I got it."

God: "You're damn right, I do. Sick bastard. Don't come running to me for help."

Kaufman: "God won't help me. I talked to Jesus backstage and he gave me some real dirty looks. I am begging you, people. Please stop booing. This is no angle."

Kaufman tried to win the fans over by promising them milk and cookies, but it was no good. Only one person in the arena had sympathy for Andy: Christopher Lowell. More on this story, as it develops.

Jerry Lawler: "And as Christina Ricci develops! PUPPIES!"

WCWSchvnne: "You're a sick man, Jerry. A sick, sick man."

Womyns champion Miss T0Y vs. The Former Mrs. Julie Hart (With IceWolfX69)
Oh sure, it looks like a squash match on paper. But toss in the fact that Ice is at ringside, and you've got yourself a whole new ballgame. The All-American Womyns champ tried to keep things in the middle of the ring, and carefully watched her Canadian nemesis out of the corner of her eye. Unfortunately, Julie Hart has a 200-pound weight advantage and used it to keep the match away from the middle of the ring. Hart repeatedly shoved T0Y to the ropes, allowing Ice to snip at her ankles like a hungry pirahna. As the champ turned around to confront Ice, Hart would beat on the champion's spine with meaty forearms and weak kicks. At 24:56 (hey, psychology is a time-killer), Bret Hart's beast of an ex-wife attempted a powerbomb, but had it countered by a FrankensT0Yner that sent both women into Ice at ringside. T0Y and Ice immediately began slapping and clawing at each other, when Foleyite came from the back and slapped a sleeperhold on the evil Canadian. Free from Ice's grip, T0Y spun around and gave Hart the Superkick from Hell. After rolling her back into the ring, with the help of a forklift, T0Y applied the Sharpshooter and obtained the submission victory.

WCWSchvnne: "Ok, Foleyite tells T0Y that they can't interfere in each other's matches, right? But then Foleyite interferes in ALL of her matches. He wasn't interfering in her matches until after he said he couldn't. This angle makes NO SENSE, I tell you. NO SENSE."

Jerry Lawler: "It's kinda neat. Foley has this cool bitter, paranoid egomaniac gimmick. And we're seeing the Kliq help each other out more, which should revitalize the stables in GX. Plus, now there's this added twist of an old vs. young-esque angle, with a little "I refuse to job"-shootish angle on the side. And Foley's still got the feud with Outkast, revolving around Foleysis. The character's got a lot of dimension. Then again, I'm really loving G Incognto's stuff as the guy who deserves the titles and works harder than anyone else. He still hasn't won the World title, and he jobbed to Battle Monkey in BM's debut. It'd be great to see G defeat him for the title. It would fit perfectly."

WCWSchvnne: "I like when Drunk Guy in Crowd yells things."

MekZhaoyun Runs Into Yuri Backstage
Yuri: "Mek, don't start anymore shit with me. I'm tired of being a joke. I'm tired of playing the fool. WTF. THIS IS BS. ARGH. Really funny, isn't it? Well, what's NOT funny is bringing real-life tragedies into this. You bring something personal into the online entertainment world and act like it's all a really big joke. Well, HAHA, HEEHEE. I'm not gonna be anyone's fool anymore. So just get yourself ready for the fight of your life at Snowed In, because THIS kid has grown up. I guess all I have to say is ... what's that you and your Kliq buddies always say? Oh, that's right. Cry about it."

Mek: "MY GOD. You ...you just spoke like a normal guy. Well, I never meant to hurt your feelings or make this personal. You brought up the dog in the first place. But just to show you how sorry I am, let me make it up to you tomorrow night. Drop by my room.. and I'll make you an offer you can't refuse."

Yuri: "Fine. But if you or your pals screw me again in any way, may God have mercy on your soul."

WCWSchvnne: "I ... I'm in shock. Yuri just cut a promo, and sounded like a normal person."

Jerry Lawler: "Hey, uh, Schvnne. Don't tell anyone, but I gave Yuri some beer before the show. I think that's what caused the loosening up, if you will. Ok, it wasn't beer, but it WAS alchoholic. I think."

Foleyite, Jobber4WCW,W456578 & DOAskull Wait Outside Miss T0Y's Dressing Room
Julie Hart: "You were awl in awn that screwjob of a match out there, weren't you? I know it. And now you'll awl go oot and have a few drinks and laugh aboot it."

Foleyite: "Once T0Y gets changed, we'll be doing that. I guess you're right, eh? Jeez, how long does it take to get ready?"

Skull: "T0Y, WE'D LIKE TO GO OUT AND HAVE A FEW DRINKS AND LAUGH ...IN THIS CENTURY."

W4: "Century's almost over, mate. That phrase just doesn't mean what it used to in 1992."

Julie Hart: "You were in awn it too, W4. And you, Jobber. Don't shake your head and give me that bullshit. You were in awn it. That's right. You DON'T have anything to say to me, you asshole."

Jobber: "I don't think you should be cussing and arguing with us, when your son is standing right there. Jeez, lady. Get a grip."

Hardcore Holly vs. The Dead Guy From Suddenly Susan
Before the match, the GodwinnTron aired a HILARIOUS Holly promo about Thanksgiving. The skit featured Holly at home, giving thanks to GXers for several things and what-not. The piece ended with the hardcore legend asking a plastic turkey what the best online entertainment group in America today is. Holly made the turkey's mouth move and said "G - X." Haha, "G-X". Good set, good set.

But Thanksgiving is old news, and Holly does his best talking IN THE RING. Well, if his talking is done in the ring, he tends to have short conversations. Holly suplexed Dead Guy through a table and then drilled him into the mat with the Hollycaust. One. Two. Three.

Holly: "This guy's no superheavyweight. Since my return, I've beaten Rick Parka, Andy Kaufman and now Dead Guy. You're all jokes. Christopher Lowell can't change that fact, boys."

Jesus and George Harrison in Backstage Brawl!
Jesus: "Your guitar won't be the only thing gently weeping, after I'm done with you. And you WILL remember the name of ... ssssss ... CHRIST."

George: "How's 'bout we have a match on top of a bloody rooftop, mate? Vince'll have 'is moneymaker now, won't 'e?"

Battle Monkey: "You two think you impress BM by dying for peoples' sins and being one-fourth of the greatest rock group in music history? Yeah, ok, that's impressive but that's OLD NEWS. YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO APPEAR ON MY SHOWS. MY MATCH IS THE MAIN EVENT. MY MATCH IS THE MONEYMAKER. I RUN THIS SHOW NOW."

BM then proceeded to whip out a carrot and rape Harrison and Jesus simultaneously.

George: "OWWWWCH! JESUS CHRIST!"

Jesus: "Yeah? Can I get back to you? I'm busy being raped."

Andy Kaufman, Dead Guy from Suddenly Susan and Rick Parka Come to a Realization
Kaufman: "Is it just me or is Christopher Lowell full of shit? He pretends to have sympathy for me, but when the cameras are off? Forget about it. Did he actually help you guys?"

DGFSS: "Didn't you see my match with Hardcore Holly? I just got my ass KICKED. Then Holly shot on all of us and said we sucked. Man, this is the life."

Parka: "Sigh. Peanut costume. 'Nuff said."

Kaufman: "Man, fuck Lowell. Christopher Lowell, I mean. Not the city in Massachusetts. Fuck Christopher Lowell. Hey, I didn't mean that literally. He'd like that. But seriously, let's kick his ass tomorrow."

Parka: "Sigh. Better that than sitting around watching "Kate & Allie" all day and eating goldfish crackers again."

[Fade to black.]