LIVE FROM MEKZHAOYUN's DOODY STATION
Topeka, Kansas
10/24/99
MekZhaoyun Discusses Plans for the Future
with His Publicist, Foleysis in the Kliq Locker Room
Mek: "I am so damn excited about the future, now that Kane is off of
my back. All he does is act all tough and get pissy. Ok, have you gotten
me a spot in MAD magazine? A title shot? What's up, Foleysis?"
Foleysis: "I'm sorry. I was out with Outkast all night..and I had some homework. I'm really sorry, Mek."
Mek: "DAMMIT. Your brother kept you around to help me embark on my singles career. Not to screw the jobbers around here."
Foleysis: "I'm sorry..maybe I'm just stupid then. I guess you don't care if I just die, Mek."
Mek: "What a fucking pussy. Quit your damn whining. You have the easiest fucking life. Your brother hooks you up with a job here, and you find a way to fuck THAT up."
Miss T0Y: "MEK, STOP IT!!!! Mr. Foleyite? You're just gonna sit there and not say anything about this?"
Foleyite: "You're right, T0Y. Mek......I heard what you were saying...and you deserve better than this. FOLEYSIS, DO YOUR DAMN JOB OR LEAVE."
Foleysis: "You guys are assholes! You just don't get it! Since you don't care about me, maybe I should just go get 'Kast and we should kill ourselves like Romeo & Juliet!"
T0Y: "Don't talk like that, Foleysis!"
Foleyite: "Oh, let her go. Teenagers are so melodramatic."
Mek: "Yeah, I hope she goes and listens to a Nirvana CD and blows her brains out. Dumbass whore."
Handicap Match: Battle Monkey vs. Kuno Powers
& Carl Hafer
The Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Players were clearly not ready for Battle
Monkey. But they were ready to give the fans on hand one heck of a show.
The Kuno-Carl Connection urged fans to clap along to the Misfits' "Children
in Heat" and even did a little country line-dance for some laughs.
Kuno: "Before we take on Battle Monkey, I just wanna give a shout-out to our boy Outkast. We hope you and Foleysis can make it, and we'll always be your friends 'TIL THE END, BRAH."
Old Woman in Crowd: "Aww. See Johnny? I told you you could bring your grandma to one of these GX shows. These GXers seem like nice, young boys."
Johnny: "Oh boy..."
Battle Monkey: "TOPEKA, KANSAS...ARE YOU READY TO SEE SOME MEN GET RAPED IN THE ASS????"
Old Woman in Crowd: "OH MY...."
BM made short work of the nice, young men, defeating them in less than a minute. Both potential superstars were powerbombed and raped. Following the match, BM called Vince McMahon a "lying piece of shit" and again demanded that he receive a World title shot in the near future. Where is this headed? Who knows.
IceWolfX69 Interview
Ice was rolled out in a wheelchair and for some unknown reason, the bookers
decided that it'd be a good idea to let her have a live mic for a half-hour.
Ice: "Yanno, uh, I come from a long line of great Canadian people. People who didn't........MURDER PEOPLE. People who took care of the sick and the old and didn't shoooooooot each other. All the great celebrities are Canadian. We've given you Martiiiin Short. What have yoooou given us? Adam Sandler? The guy's a dipshitto. And all your musicians are groups. We bring you BANDS. Rush, Our Lady Peace, Barenaked Ladies, Snow...name ONE American band with MOOOOOORE talent."
Drunk Guy in Crowd: "HELL BITCH I CAN NAME 567 NOT INCLUDING THE MONKEES AND SCRITTI POLITTI WHOOOO"
Ice: "That brings me to Miss T0Y. I don't, uh, like to look at girlie books with Shawn Michaels. No one glorifies Shawn Michaels like the Americans do. You're aaaaall sick. He refused to job to Bret and everyone knows it. He also refused to job to the Orient Express, in the matches where The Rockers beat them. Thaaaaaaaat's a FACT, T0Y-O. We also have better-loooooking women than America. AAAAAAND better beer."
Drunk Guy In Crowd: "WELL YEAH YOUR BEER IS BETTER AND THATS WHY EVERYONE THINKS YOU HAVE THE BETTER LOOKING WOMEN CAUSE THEYRE DRUNK OFF THEIR ASS LIKE ME WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
Ice: "Tomorrow, T0Yey, I've got a special Canadian surprise for you. Let's just say that youuuuu oughta know who this person iiiiiiiiis. And I mean 'is' as an analogy for 'is.'"
Survivor Series Rules: Foleyite, MekZhaoyun,
DOAskull & W46578 vs. World tag team champions KaneRobot & Yuri,
AAisWAR & Outkast
The Beatles-lovin' W4 started things off for the Kliq, and squared off against
the Radiohead-lovin' Outkast. As the bell rang, 'Kast kissed a framed picture
of Foleysis for good luck.
Crowd: "AWWWWWWW!"
Drunk Guy in Crowd: "I USED TO KISS A PICTURE OF MAH GIRL FOR GOOD LUCK DAMN BITCH BROKE MAH HEART" ::drinks some O' Douls::
Foleyite: "Note to self: destroy Outkast."
Drunk Guy in Crowd: "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NON-ALKEEHOLIC CRAP IM DRINKIN BUDDY"
'Kast locked up with The W4rrior and was quickly slammed
to the canvas. The Kliq member followed up with a big splash and pinned
Foleysis' star-crossed lover. One. Two. Three. Damn, that's what I hate
about these Survior Series matches. Guys get eliminated by weak-ass moves,
only one minute into the freaking match. Sigh. W4 tagged out to Skull, and
the Heartbreak Kid of AOL picked up the slack for his team of rag-tag heroes.
But instead of taking the offense to the Kliq's Hawaiian representative,
Yuri marked out for himself and told the women of the crowd to 'put their
tampons on'. Don't ask me. I don't know what the hell he's talking about
either. Skull kicked Yuri in the back and beat him down Demolition-style
with the help of W4. The former champions then rolled the St. Louisisisisian
to the outside and continued to taunt and beat him. Fortunately for Yuri,
Kane came to his rescue and beat the bejesus out of the Kliqsters. Unfortunately,
all four men were counted out. Four guys eliminated at once. Damn, you'd
think that a match would go the distance with so many men in one match,
and these elimination rules, but I guess not. Now it was down to AAisWAR
and the Kliq combo of Foleyite & MekZhaoyun. The ass-shaking Gayme muttered
something about Outkast and speared AA to the mat. The Right One whipped
AA into the ropes, only to be hit with a sunset flip. One. Two. Three. Good
LORD, why is everyone eliminated so damn EASILY in this match? Foley snarled
and fumed and argued with the referee, as a good heel eliminated second-to-last
in a Survivor Series match should, while Mek and AA began trading blows.
The former Prince of the Universe ducked a right, and knocked the Californian
kid silly with a pair of brass knuckles. The ref turned around JUST IN TIME
to make the count. ONE. TWO. NOP.
Mek then sent AA into the ropes, where he was tripped up by the Right One.
Mek simply fell on top of the Neck Cyberer for the pin. One. Two. THREE.
What the HELL?!?! I'm sorry, but these kind of matches annoy me. This is
the last time GX has one of these babies.
A Depressed Pete Lothario Considers Suicide,
As MekZhaoyun Paces Up and Down the Hallways
Pete: "How was I, Pete Lothario, to know that 'tool' meant something
else ENTIRELY? Maybe I should actually do it. Snuff it. Say goodbye to this
cruel, unforgiving world."
MekZhaoyun: "That little BITCH. She thinks she can hang around with Outkast and just ignore my rise to the top."
Pete: "What are you talking about?"
Mek: "It's none of your business. Look pal, I'm a Marine and I'm from Milwaukee."
Pete: "Isn't Milwaukee an old Indian name, actually pronounced 'Mee-lee-wa-kay'?"
Mek: "Yes, Pete, it is...say...how would you feel about being my right-hand man?"
Pete: "YES SUH, it's a DEAL."
Mixed Tag Match: Harbcore champion Mr. ANTI
& ANTiWife vs. Steve Case & His Wife
In one of the stranger feuds we've ever had, the Most Lovable Man on AOL
and the Most Despised Man on AOL have been playing a game of "can you
top this?" Case may have humiliated Rick Parka. He may have humiliated
that other guy. But can he humiliate the harbcore legend? Well, he's getting
an A for effort, if this match is any indication. The match started on the
outside, where Case greeted the ANTI One with a golden shower from a midget
he held up over his head. ANTI and Case bitchslapped each other and tumbled
all over the entrance ramp, as their lovely wives stepped into the ring.
Case's wife clotheslined ANTI's beloved and then proceeded to shock everyone
with a series of crotch chops.
WCWSchvnne: "ANTI's wife has had NO professional training. She asked for this match, after what has happened over the past week. You have to admire her spirit. She and ANTI are truly the Most Lovable Couple in GX."
Jerry Lawler: "Admire her spirit? I'm too busy admiring her puppies! And Case's wife's puppies! And yours! PUPPIES!!!! AAAAGHHH!"
As Case's demon of a wife did the cabbage patch, ANTIWife did a Booker T Breakdance and then scored with a "Harlem Sidekick". ONE. TWO. NOP. The ladies took their fight to the outside, as the men brawled their way into the ring covered in midget urine and O' Douls. The Harbcore champ SHOCKED Case by showing him some pictures of a 400-pound woman with a penguin, giving ANTI the chance to roll up Case. ONE. TWO. NOP. At this point, Case licked the side of ANTI's face. (?)
ANTI: "LMAO!!! I'm not into swingin' that way, babycakes!!!"
Case: "Neither am I."
Case then tossed a handful of sulfuric acid at the side of ANTI's face and the Harbcore champion began screaming uncontrollably. Case pinned his shoulders to the mat. One. Two. Three.
WCWSchvnne: "It's one thing to attempt to be harbcore in our great sport. But there are lines, and Steve Case has crossed them here tonight. ANTI is being treated for chemical burns, and should be back with us tomorrow night. Sigh, it's things like this that make this job so hard." ::kicks deceased cat into a nearby trash can::
The Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Players Playfully
Tease Rick Parka
Kuno Powers: "Haha, Parka want a cracker?"
Parka: "YES IM STARVING CAN YOU POKE A HOLE IN THE OUTFIT AND GIVE ME ONE PLEASE ANYTHING WOULD BE APPRECIATED"
Carl Hafer: "Parka, your underwear is showing through a hole in the costume!"
Outkast: "Are those hearts?"
Parka: "PUT SOME SCOTCH TAPE OVER IT HURRY UP"
[Foleysis runs into the arms of Outkast, as Kuno & Carl push Parka down a flight of stairs.]
Foleysis: "My brother and Mek were saying I'm a whore and I should die and stuff and Mek was like yelling at me and my brother was yelling and T0Y tried to help but it was no use because Mek was like yelling that I'm stupid or something and my brother was being an asshole and and and and"
Outkast: "Shhh, it's ok now. Everything's gonna be ok."
Kuno: "Kast is gettin' laid tonight!"
Outkast: "Shut up, it's not like that."
Carl: "Hey Kuno, why don't we have girlfriends?"
Kuno: "I don't know."
::woman walks by::
Kuno: "I LOVE RADIOHEAD TOO."
::woman continues walking, without giving Kuno the time of day::
Kuno: "It is hopeless, Carl."
Intercontinentally challenged champ Jobber4WCW
vs. God
In what could be considered the biggest Intercontinentally challenged title
match of all-time, The Kliq's Jobber4WCW saw spooky squared-circle action
with God. God was looking to smash Jobber like a rotten pumpkin in this
encounter. But beating Jobber would prove to be a difficult task, even for
someone who is all-knowing, all-you blahtity-blah-know the rest. The match
began as an ameteur-style classic, but soon graduated into an all-out slugfest.
After rocking God with a sidewalk slam, the champ scored with a missile
dropkick for two.
WCWSchvnne: "I just can't believe we have GOD wrestling in a GX ring. You talk about your Russos and your Jerichos and your Sandmans. THIS is a major coup, fans."
Jerry Lawler: "He'll probably take offense to my obsession with coming up with stupid, sexist nicknames for womens' breasts. I could be smoden by the time we get to Sloptro, Schvnne! AAAGGGGHHH!!!!!"
Five minutes had passed, when Trent Dilfer came walking down the aisle with three other guys. Don't worry, the three other guys aren't going to interfere or anything. We just needed some people to help direct Trent to the ring without falling over. Yeah, football players aren't very bright and stuff. Trent forgot what to do when he got out there, however, so the finish to our match was screwed. But then G Incognto came to save the day.
That sounded bad.
G hopped up on the ring apron with a chair, and Jobber reversed a whip, sending God into G's chair face-first. Jobber fell on top of the Omnipotent One. ONE. TWO. THREE.
Walt Disney: "HELL YEAH. Serves him right for not letting my ass into the pearly gates."
Adolf Hitler: "Valt...ich liebe dich."
Walt Disney: ::turns to crowd:: "What'd he JUST CALL ME?!?!"
GHarb77 Walks Around Backstage With an ADORABLE
Fanny Pack On
Harb: "I don't get it. He doesn't work as hard as I do. I'm gonna have
to say and/or do something about this tomorrow night. Hey Security Guard,
where are we performing tomorrow night?"
Secruity Guard: "Tomorrow GX will be in Chicago. Then we move on to Michigan, where we'll be doing shows in Detroit and Flint. Then we head back to the GX Arena for Slopvivor Series."
Harb: "You know an awful lot for a security guard. What is your name?"
Security Guard: "Lionel."
Harb: "Haha, I hope your parents were drunk when they came up with that one. Later, Lionel."
Security Guard: "Hehe, you take care now, Master Harb!"
Harb: "Will do. Shake your bon bon, shake your bon b...dammit, it's just so catchy!"
[Fade to black.]