LIVE FROM VADER'S MALL
09/26/99
Backstage With Members of the Kliq & The
Kliq Singers and Dancers (Choreographer: Debbie Allen)
Vince McMahon: "Mr. Foleyite..I would suggest that I have BIG news.
First of all, I ... what is she doing here?"
Foleyite: "Yeah, you really shouldn't be hanging out here. I don't want you around these guys."
Foleysis: "But Outkast is such a hottie!"
Foleyite: "Sweet mother of mercy.... Outkast? Perfectn, I could see. Even Harb. He's got that outdoorsy quality about him. But Outkast?"
T0Y Brother #4: "FOLEYSIS YOU A REAL FINE WOMAN WHEN YOU BACK DAT THING UP"
Vince McMahon: "Yeah.. anyhoo...Mr. Foleyite, I think you'll be pleased at tomorrow night's main event. I've signed a three-way for the World title! You vs. Yuri vs. Harb."
Foley: "That's great, Vince. That's just great."
Wild Boar Match (First Person to Kill a Wild
Boar and Eat it Wins): Rick Parka vs. IceWolfX69
Drunk Guy in Crowd must have known about this specialty match beforehand.
To demonstrate what a diehard fan he is, DGIC brought a dead wild boar with
him to tonight's event.
Homophobic Screaming Guy: "Damn, did you find out about the wild boar match on the Internet? There are tons of fags on the Internet."
Drunk Guy In Crowd: "HELL BUDDY WHATS A WILD BOAR MATCH"
Parka chased after the wild boars at ringside, but ran out of breath after three seconds. Several fans of GX reluctantly gave Rick CPR, as Steve Case brought a pre-killed boar to ringside. Protesters were outraged. Drunk Guy In Crowd thought it was hilariously funny. Ice inhaled the pre-killed boar's carcass within three seconds, giving her the win and severe gastric enteritis. Case rubbed salt in the wounds, by smashing a giant Pat Sajak head made out of tofu across Parka's face. That's gotta be somewhat embarrassing. Meanwhile, the dozen wild boars ran free throughout Vader's mall, as "Born Free" played over the PA.
Vader: "That's a beautiful sight. All these boars are finally free to live their lives in peace. That's all I've wanted for years now. To be a big, free pig. Just look at 'em. Running through Barnes & Noble like nobody's business. Haha, I wish I'd...OH GOD NO THEY'RE HEADED TOWARDS THE STARBUCKS AND THE HOT DOG ON A STICK. NOT THE HOT DOG ON A STICK. ANYTHING BUT THE HOT DOG ON A STICK"
A Shaky Camera Takes Us Down a Staircase in
the GX Arena
Harry Caray: "Hey Schvnne! Why are we showing live footage of our cameraguy
just walking down the stairs? This makes no sen.. I just spilled chocolate
on my pants."
WCWSchvnne: "At the bottom of the stairs! GHarb77 is laid out! He's been hit over the head with .... something hard. Who did this?!?!"
Foleyite: "I laid him out, you ass. Do the math."
World tag team champions DOAskull & W46578
& MekZhaoyun vs. KaneRobot, Yuri & Harbcore champion Mr. ANTI
The.. interesting trio of ANTI, Kane and Yuri entered first, with their
mind on their money and their money on their mind. Things were looking good.
REAL good. Then ANTI dropped a bombshell.
ANTI: "Yuri, your man Taz signed with the WWF babycakes!!!"
Yuri: "WTF"
Yuri left the ring in tears. He did not return. ANTI, being the lovable man that he is, ran to the back to comfort his newfound friend. This left Kane all alone with three of the Kliq's finest. In a courageous move for a heel, Mek told the tag champs that he wanted to handle Kane one on one. Not in that way, you sicko. Mek and Kane traded right hands for five minutes, with neither man selling a damn thing. Frustrated by Kane's reluctancy to sell, Mek grabbed a steel haybale from ringside and launched it into the side of Kane's face. Kane threw punches in the air, but did not go down. Going down on Mek makes Kane emotional. Mek missed a right hand, and soon found himself being chokeslammed. In a shocking move, Mek did a kip-up almost immediately after hitting the canvas, and ordered Kane to hit him. Kane kicked his ass, face and his balls into OUT-ER SPACE. But Mek STILL GOT UP. Mek hammered Kane with brutal right hands and damn near broke Kane's neck with a brain buster. But Kane STILL GOT UP. At this point, eight officials and that old WWF guy that resembles Tom Petty broke things up because we were running low on time.
WCWSchvnne: "These men know each other like the back of their hands. On October 10, who will be the first ex-Prince to go down? There's one ex-Prince who once went down on Vanity, but that's neither here nor there."
Harry Caray: "I think I've got GLAUCOMA." ::spills beer on Schvnne::
WCWSchvnne: "I just bought this Old Navy Tech Vest YESTERDAY. Damn, Harry."
If G Pins Jobber, He Will Recieve a Title Shot
Tomorrow on Sloptro. If Mal Pins T0Y, She Wins The Womyns Title: Reverend G Incognto & Malaki100 vs. Intercontinentally
challenged champ Jobber4WCW & Womyns champ Miss T0Y
After dropping a non-title match to Jobber last week, G had even more incentive
to finally defeat Jobber where it counts. Actually, a win here will only
give the Reverend a shot at Jobber's title, so it doesn't REALLY "count".
Theoretically, G could beat Jobber here and still end up being the title-less,
perenially screwed GXer. After the bell was rung, an inspired G slid under
Jobber's legs and connected with a dropkick to the back of the neck. G tagged
in Mal, which means that Jobber must tag out to T0Y.
::Jobber gives Mal a crescent kick and powerbombs her through a pair of chairs::
Or not. Good god. In response to Jobber's heinous attack, G yanked T0Y by the hair and tossed her to the cement floor. A concerned Vince McMahon came to T0Y's aid, as Mal tagged in GX's holy man. G ducked a clothesline and scored with a German suplex for a two-count. G then took a big risk by taking to the top rope. G's high-risk manuever did not pay off, and Jobber rocked G's body with his own version of the Sky High for two. Jobber gave the signal for the Running Jobber Bomb, when something from the rafters came crashing down atop Jobber's head. G pinned Jobber for the one, the two, the three.
WCWSchvnne: "That's divine intervention."
John Travolta: "Bullshit."
Vince McMahon & Miss T0Y Interview
Vince: "At this time, I'd like to introduce the number-one contender
to the GodwinnerationX title. I would suggest that he is one of the most
charismatic, controversial, and rightest superstars in the history of GX,
FOLEYIIITEUHHH."
Foley: "Thanks for the cool intro, Vince. "
Vince: "Listen, YOU SON OF A BITCH."
Foley: "Vince, please. There are CHILDREN watching."
Vince: "Fuck the children. You've just ruined the Sloptro main event. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"
Foley: "I'm The Righ.."
Vince: "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NICKNAME IS. God, I've been dying to say that for MONTHS. You think I let you have creative control, just so you could have your own way all the time? Hell no. I will still give the fans their main event match tomorrow night. And YOUR number-one contendership will be on the line in a three-way match featuring Yuri, a man who EARNED the right to become number-one contender at In Your Pants. All you've done is grope T0Y Brother # 3 and jerk off in bathrooms."
Foley: "That's just a RUMOR. Who's the third man in this equation, anyway? If it's Dead Guy From Suddenly Susan, forget about it."
Vince: "Third man? I would suggest that taking Harb's place in this three-way main event will be none other than Miss T0Y."
Foley: "Vince.. T0Y's just a girl. She won't want to wrestle two guys. She could get hurt. I'd hate for her to break one of her nails."
T0Y: "Just a girl?"
Foley: "Yes. Like that No Doubt song."
T0Y: "Fuck you. A 15 year-old with ADD and your faggot ass? I'll kick both of your asses tomorrow night."
WCWSchvnne: "WOAH. Harry, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
Harry Caray: "If you see a purple giraffe eating a coconut and a buffalo in Mek's backyard, yes."
WCWSchvnne: "I despise you, yet I can't help but love you."
Harry Caray: "I think I just dropped a cashew in my pants."
WCWSchvnne: "You'll be doing more than that in your pants tomorrow night! T0Y, Foleyite and Yuri in a three-way main event for number-one contendership! G gets another shot at Jobber's Intercontinentally challenged title! And the countdown to end all countdowns finally ends!"
Harry Caray: "I've figured it out. Suds entered to "the Final Countdown", and the countdown ends during Perf's segment according to my format."
WCWSchvnne: "Uh..uh, hahaha...eh. Good one, Harry."
[Fade to black.]