GX Sloppy Night Heat
Live from the GX Arena in Bitters, Arkansas
08/22/99
[WARNING: DO NOT READ
SLOPPY NIGHT HEAT WHILE OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY. Besides, I
really don't see why you would attempt to operate heavy machinery,
while reading something at your computer. Hell, you might have
a snack or a drink, while you do things online. But I sincerely
doubt you're doing anything more important than that. Oh, just
read it, damn you.]
Sloppy Night Heat Intro
WCWSchvnne: "Tonight, the three men who will meet tomorrow
night on Sloptro for the number-one contendership are ALL in the
house. PLUS, a SPECIAL PERFORMANCE BY JEWEL! What? I'm hearing
from the back that we don't have time for that."
Harry Caray: "Hey everyboday! I was backstage
and I used Jewel's snaggletooth to open up my Harryweiser."
The GX Kliq Meets Backstage To
Watch Doogie Howser M.D. Reruns
KaneRobot: "Check it out, bub. Now that Mek and I have the
belts, and you guys are back together..LET'S DO THE THING..IF
YA GOT THE GUTS."
MekZhaoyun: "W4 & Skull vs. The Princes. It's the greatest assemblage of tag teams in GX history."
W46578: "Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup."
Foleyite: "Whatever, Ringo. It'll go down at In Your Pants. You guys make good friends, but you give better enemas. W4 & Skull vs. The Princes AND Foleyite vs. Harb for the World title. AND..Rick Parka? I don't recall inviting you to watch Doogie with us."
Rick Parka: "Hey. I haven't forgotten about you and Jobber screwing me, Foley."
T0Y Brother #3: "FATBOY YOU BEST GET DA FUCK OUT DIS ROOM BEFO I WHOOP YO ASS"
Mek: "Whoa, that ruled. I am so glad we worked things out with T0Y."
Steven Hovis vs. Outkast
A depressed-looking Outkast hit the ring and immediately grabbed
the mic.
Outkast: "That's it. I want some damn mic ti"
It's a good thing we cut his audio off before he used anymore of his vulgar language. We can't have "damn" said every other second around here. This is FAMILY ONLINE ENTERTAINMENT, dammit. As the cherubic Hovis strolled to the ring, Outkast flew to the outside with a plancha.
WCWSchvnne: "We've lit a fire under that boy. I've never seen Outkast this aggressive."
Outkast attempted a "flying body attack" from the ring apron, but was caught by Hovis and belly-to-bellied to the cement floor. Hovis dragged Outkast back into the ring and polished him off with the Hovis-sault for the pinfall victory. Kuno Powers made a mysterious appearance at ringside, as Hovis grabbed a mic.
Hovis: "Sweet, you hurt Tony..you hurt MEEEEEEEE. And now I will hurt YOOOOOU."
Harbcore champion Mr. ANTI and Merogal13
Backstage
Mero: "ANTI, thanks for getting Jimmy to stop stalking me
and everything, but I need to go out on my own. I'm gonna make
it after aaaaaall. After all, I'm not a valet.. I'm an ATHLETE.
It's time for me to get back into the Womyns division. Besides,
how can I NOT beat T0Y?"
ANTI: "That's all fine and dandy, but I've got my own title to defend, babycakes!!!"
Mero: "Where are you going? You don't have a match tonight. And what were those picture I had developed for you? I glanced at one of them, and it looked like a woman and a horse, and the woman was like.."
ANTI: "LMAO!!! You saw nothing, babycakes!!!!!!"
Intercontinentally challenged champion
Yuri vs. Dead Guy From Suddenly Susan
Before the match, Yuri said that he had a special surprise for
G and Foleyite at Sloptro. We'll all have to read Sloptro tomorrow
to find out what that surprise is! Sick. Dead Guy From Suddenly
Susan was given three minutes of mic time, but chose to let his
actions speak for his words on this night. Outkast has to be a
bit upset about that. After marking out for his own entrance,
Yuri hit the ring and slapped the Taz-mission on DGFSS.
WCWSchvnne: "This young man's got a lot of heart. He's had Dead Guy in this hold for twenty-three minutes for Holly sake. But the words 'I quit' just ain't in Dead Guy's vocabulary!"
As the frustrated Yuri continued to apply pressure, Jobber4WCW, DOAskull and W46578 appeared at the top of the entrance ramp.
Jobber: "Oh man. Yuri's mom is SO fat."
DOA,W4: "How FAT IS SHE!"
Jobber: "She's so fat.. but once you screw her prosthetic leg off, she can stay UP ALL NIGHT!!!!!!!!"
Yuri: "WTF MAN F'N KLIQ FOLEY PUT U UP TO THIS BS YOU F'N JOBBER I WENT TO THE MALL AND THEN A GIRL I GRABBED HER ASS WTF AND THEN MOM GAVE US SOME CAKE WELL I GOT A SURPRISE FOR FOLEY AND G AT SLOPTRO"
Yuri reached into his tights and the lovably stupid GX fans squealed with delight, as Yuri pulled out "Mr. Roll of Quarters". Yuri chased Jobber, W4 and Skull to the back, giving Dead Guy the count-out win.
Reverend G Incognto (With Malaki100)
vs. BAHUMUTH (With JimmyXite)
Despite being thrashed at the hands of Battle Monkey, GX's Holy
Man continues to persevere and move closer to his goal of becoming
a World champion. BAHU and Jimmy hit the ring together, and immediately
began double-teaming the Reverend. After G ducked a double-clothesline
and slid to the outside, Malaki hit a springboard dropkick on
the BAHU/Jimmy tandem to an incredible pop. G re-entered the ring
and powerbombed BAHU through a table, as Mal and Jimmy argued
on the outside.
Jimmy: "Britney Spears 4 LIFE."
Mal: "Robert Smith would eat you and Britney alive, BITCH."
Mal slapped Jimmy, as G hit BAHU with the Backdrop Driver From Above. G obtained the pinfall win in 6:15, but had little chance to celebrate, since members of the GX Kliq emerged from the crowd and Foleyite began attacking him for no good reason. KaneRobot held G back, as Foleyite shook his ass in front of G George Michael-style.
WCWSchvnne: "Well, I guess it would be nice if I could touch Foleyite's body, but this crap is just uncalled for."
Foley: "G, you wanna come out here with this big Cure-lovin' freak and call yourself the number-one contender to the GX World title? Malaki honey, if you like the Cure so much, you can get on your knees and I'll take you on a trip down "Fascination STREET" and check your ass DI-RECKA-LEE INTO THE FOLEYITE HOTEL.G, you and Yuri don't deserve to be in the same RING as The Right One, let alone a match to determine the number-one contender on Sloptro. I'm right, you know."
Yuri: "THAT F'N DOES IT FOLEY FORGET SLOPTRO U WANNA KNOW WHAT MY F'N SURPRISE IS GET READY FOR THIS AS THE COMMISIONER OF GX I HAVE APPOINTED A SPECIAL REF FOR OUR THREE-WAY MATCH TO DETERMIN THE NUMBOR ONE CUNTENDER BRET F'N HART!!!!!!!!!!"
Foley: "Nice job. Now people don't have to read Sloptro to find out the surprise. YOU'VE SCREWED UP MY ANGLE, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!"
[Bret Hart enters the arena and taps Foleyite on the shoulder.]
Bret: "So uh.... I heard you're a big Shawun Moikulls fan? I uh, also heard that you gawt a problem with me? I uh, I also heard that you book things around here, and that ya like to SCREW PEOPLE...So Foleyite, YOU GAWTA ASK YOURSELF...whether you're REEEEALLY as GOOD as Yuri...."
Foley: "Look, pal. I am the rightest there is, the rightest there was and the rightest there ever will be. I've had kids break my neck, AGs leave me in the cold, BUT I STILL GOT UP. I've been screwed.."
Bret: "Ya know, uh.. maybe I uh.. misunderstood ya. Foley, I wish I knew someone with your rightness before Vince SCREWED ME. Foley, I need ya."
[Bret and Foleyite hugged, as used tampons, pet rocks "BRET HART RAPES CHICKENS" signs and beer filled the ring.]
WCWSchvnne: "MAH GOD, the biggest bitter egomaniac in online entertainment and the biggest bitter egomaniac sports entertainment has ever seen are bonding. AH GOD, G's gonna be SCREWED OUT OF HIS IN YOUR PANTS TITLE SHOT AT SLOPTRO MAH GOD SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN SLOPPY NIGHT HEAT"
[Fade to black.]