GX Sloppy Night Heat
Live from the GX Arena in Bitters, Arkansas
07/25/99
[Disclaimer: Sloppy Night Heat's niftly little introduction goes well with
a can of Dr. Pepper and {S GX2. Fans new to the GX phenomenon should note
that this post is still merely a set-up for the weekly smash hit "GX
Sloptro". This post should in no way be compared to Sloptro, nor should
it be chastised for its inside jokes, subtle jabs, childish insults, homoerotic
overtones, and its complete lack of taste and
humor. Yanno.]
Sloppy Night Heat Intro
Harry Caray: "Hey everyboday! Harry Caray here."
WCWSchvnne: "I'm WCWSchvnne and we are weeks away from the biggest
show ever promoted by GX. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be hyping it up so much.
My build-up will leave fans expecting too much, and they'll walk away from
SummerSlop calling it "AOL's equivalent of nWo Souled Out I".
Ah, fuck me."
Harry Caray: "Hey Tony! Who drove the Hummer on Sloptro a few weeks
ago?"
WCWSchvnne: "Don't get me started."
GHarb77 Recieves a Call Backstage
Harb: "WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? GIVE HER BACK, BROTHER."
BAHU: "Karla's doing fine. Whoa, dude. STARDUST PRESS!!! WOAH! JIMMY!!!
YOU SEE THAT!?!?!?!"
Harb: "Hello?"
BAHU: "Uhhhh, yeah. We've got your bitch. Meet us at Tower Records.
Jimmy will standing next to the Britney Spears bin. AND BRING MY WORLD TITLE
WITH YOU."
Harb: "I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT IS, BROTHER."
BAHU: "The CDs are listed in alphabetical order. Spears' CD should
be in between Social Distortion and Spinal Tap."
Harb: "Oh. Thank you."
MattyDog30 vs. Outkast
Proving that they are not afraid to push new faces, GX brought us a great
match between two young, tremendous talents looking to earn a push in the
company. Unlike a certain real wrestling company, GX will give fresh-faced
youngsters enough time to get over without thinking twice about the risks
involved. Pardon my rambling, but I just think GX should really be praised
for pushing the young talent like this. Anyway, on to the match. Before
the bell rang, Battle Monkey charged the ring, threw Matty out of the ring,
and raped Outkast. Damn.
"G-TV" Segment
Charisma93: "Shit, I'm sick of GX talking shit about me. And Foleyite
expects me to job to T0Y in a fucking Respect Match at SummerSlop? That's
a bunch of shit. Maybe I should just start kissing Foley's ass all the damn
time."
DaveyDog30: "Oh, I know. Quite frankly, I'm sick of the GX Kliq's damn
pranks and political backstabbing myself. Foleyite isn't gonna get away
with all of this. Anyway, "Brave Little Toaster" or "Rover
Dangerfield" tonight?"
Charisma93: "Dammit, I'm serious about this crap with the Kliq. And
besides, those two aren't even Disney movies. I'm leaving. I'll miss you,
Topher."
DaveyDog30: ::pops in tape of "Little Mermaid":: "Wish I
could be.....::choked up:: part of your worrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrld. FOLEYITE
WILL PAY FOR THIS!" ::shakes fist::
World tag team champions The Pumpkin Express (Ben Bibby & Ryan7SeasOf
Rhye) vs. Dead Guy Fron Suddenly Susan & Norman Smiley
It's really good to see that unlike other wrestling companies, GX is willing
to bring us a title defense with no stupid stipulations or run-ins. Other
online parody promotions might bore you with that sort of predictable thing,
but not here. No way, sir. Seriously, this was a totally clean title match.
The Pumpkin Express won after Bibby pinned Smiley at the 11:48 mark, following
a 'Ching Chow Pa'
jackhammer. What? That's it.
....
KaneRobot & MekZhaoyun then attacked the Pumpkin Express with pumpkin carving knives. Damn. Jobber4WCW & DOAskull joined the slaughter, only to be pushed by Kane.
Kane: "We don't need your guys' help."
Mek: "Yeah, really. I'm a Marine and I'm from Milwaukee, dudes."
"G-TV" Segment
T0Y: "Mr. Foleyite!!!! Did you hear? Oh, Charisma is so leaving. Do
I get the Womyns belt back now?"
Foleyite: "Way to go. Your shilling is gonna kill this company one
day."
T0Y: "Oh, you are so mean. Hey, who's behind this G-TV thing anyway?"
Foley: "G.....tv. Come on."
T0Y: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So this is one of Yuri's things.."
Foley: ::shaking head::
Harb Patiently Waiting Next To Britney Spears' Bin
::Jimmy approaches Harb::
Jimmy: "You got the st ::voice cracks:: the stuff? Damn."
Harb: "Yeah, here's your buddy's World title. Now when do I get to see Karla again?"
Jimmy: "Quit playin' games with my heart. You'll get her back soon enough. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some CDs to buy."
Harb: "98 Degrees!?!? Oh COME ON. That's low, even for you."
::BAHUMUTH, decked out in a Sting costume, enters the scene and breaks a bat over Harb's head::
Hindu Tower Records Employee: "Oh my..this is very....bad for business."
Harbcore champion JimmyXite vs. TonyIsDrk (With "Handsome"
Steven Hovis)
As the strobe lights hit the ring and "Everybody" hit the PA,
5 chairs lowered from the rafters, and Jimmy and four generic pretty boys
did the 'Backstreet Boy Chair Dance' for what seemed like an eternity. After
sinking the ratings to an all-time low of 2.1, Jimmy and the Xite-ettes
were forced to stop dancing.
Drk: "TURN THAT FUCKING BACKSTREET BOYS SONG OFF."
The crowd cheered, applauded, convulsed and undulated, as Drk and Hovis
made their way to the ring. Drk attacked Jimmy with a keyboard to huge cheers,
as the four generic pretty boys mocked Hovis. Drk's wrestling knowledge
was just too much for Jimmy. Drk marked out for himself after executing
a Fisherman's Buster, and began administering "shoot-style kneelifts"
into Jimmy's gut. Meanwhile, the four generic pretty boys continued to mutter
things
about Hovis.
Hovis: "What did you say?"
GPB #1: "Nothing....tubby."
The four generic pretty boys laughed and pointed at Hovis, as the sad music from "Saved by the Bell" music played. Meanwhile in the ring, Drk screwed up a shooting star press and came crashing down on the top rope ribs-first. Sometimes wrestling knowledge hinders more than it helps. Jimmy was now able to take control of the match. Jimmy's friends however, were not controlling anything. Hovis responded to their cruel fat jokes with a series of devastating belly-to-belly suplexes. Inspired by Hovis, Drk regained control of the match and hit Jimmy with a stiff Michinoku Driver #2. Drk went for the pin, as HostWWFJds dove into the ring and dropped an elbow on Drk. Jds powerbombed Drk and Jimmy followed-up with a frog splash and a pin attempt. One, two, three. Jimmy retains the Harbcore title. Damn.
Drk: "Christ. Jds, I don't have time for your sorry ass. I've got Sweet in a Loser Leaves AOL match at SummerSlop. To warm up, I'll meet YOU in a Loser Leaves AOL match tomorrow on Sloptro. And tomorrow night, I WILL TURN YOUR FUCKING PROG OFF!"
Mean Gene: "OH YEAH!"
WCWSchvnne: "THAT WAS THE GREATEST CHALLENGE EVER."
Marv Albert: "YESH!"
Jim Ross: "MAH GOD!"
Jim Rome: "Chris Evert. Tee hee!"
Harry Caray: "CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!"
[Fade to black.]