This was the first one I actually ordered on PPV, and it is still one
of my favorite UFCs. I was going to get UFC 4, but I was away that weekend.
This was the event subtitled "Return of The Beast," due to Dan
Severn beating the piss out of EVERYONE IN HIS PATH, and then losing on
a FLUKE triangle choke to Royce Gracie. While I'm on that subject, what
the fuck is with those names? "Royce" is pronouced "Hoice,"
and "Rickson" is pronounced "Hixon." Whatever. The hosts
for tonight are Bruce Beck, Jim Brown (who got fired after saying something
about a black guy winning due to the color of his skin in a later UFC),
and Jeff Blatnick, the guy who won the gold medal in the 84 Olympics in
the heavyweight division. His voice sometimes resembles "pimple-faced
teen" from "The Simpsons" voice, but I worked with this guy
for several weeks during the summers of my jr. and sr. year in high school.
After we were
done working out, we'd have hour long conversations about who we thought
was going to win the next UFC tournament. Bruce shows us the ways people
have used to win matches in the previous 4 UFCs:
Chokes: 39%
Joint Locks: 22%
Striking: 39%
Here are the BRACKETS for UFC 5 (if Bruce gave them a nickname, I've listed it):
Andy "The Hammer" Anderson
"Big" John Hess, "The Giant With An Attitude" (!!!!!)
Todd Medina
Larry Cureton
Oleg Taktarov
Ernest Verdecia ~!!!
Daniel "The Beast" Severn
Joe "Ghetto Man" Charles
Alternates (if a fighter is injured)
Dave Beneteau and Guy Mezger
We are shown the ref, "Big" John Mcarthy. Faggot. We are shown the judges. Davey, that old black guy who I was trying to remember the name of a few weeks ago that fought Gracie was Ron Van Clief.
Andy Anderson promo. 5th degree black belt. 86-0 in bare knuckle matches.
Anderson (reading off cue card): You know, they say there is always someone
bigger, badder, stronger. Well I'm here to see if that person is here. Anderson
makes his way out. Ha ha ha! This guy is practically a midget!! And he's
flabby!! He has a little thing he put himself on the back of his wifebeater
that says "kick ass". We are told if Anderson wins, he will donate
his winnings to a school for the blind. Too bad for the blind. We are also
told Anderson owns many of his own businesses, including the "Totally
Nude Steakhouse" in Texas. It's probably a fag bar.
JOHN HESS PROMO!!!!
Ha, it shows Hess tossing some dope around. Hess' kicks are PATHETIC. He
can't get them above hip level. He holds black belts in Kung Fu, Jiu Jitsu,
and Karate. He has created his own fighting style called SAFTA, which basically
means he's too lazy to truly master an art, so he makes up a word and says
he has mastered that style. He's got the exact same height and weight as
me (6'7, 290...although I'm not as flabby as him).
Hess: I'm John Hess, I'm from the SAFTA fighting center, I'm here to break
people.
At this point, I break into laughter, and mark out at the same time.
Wow, they actually say what SAFTA stands for: Scientific Agressive Fighting
Technology of America. Sorry, but anyone with the word "Technology"
in their fighting style is full of shit. Bruce tells us he has no record,
but, "he tells us he's never lost a fight in his life." HAHAHAHAHA....right
when Hess takes his shirt off, Blatnick says, "he tells us he's in
tremendous shape" pauses a second and says "you may not believe
it by the looks of him." Blatnick rules. In one of the best statements
of the night, Blatnik adds, "he has no respect for anyone. He calls
submisson "silly.""
Tale of the Tape:
Anderson: 31, 5'9, 238. Tae Kwon Do. Arlington, Texas
Hess: 25, 6'7, 295. SAFTA. Encinitas, California.
OH MY GOD!!!!! THE RING ANNOUNCER'S NAME IS "RON JEREMY" HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Too cool.
The Hedgehog introduces Anderson. Cocky look on Anderson's face.
Intros Hess. His gut is hanging big time.
Mcarthy starts the match. This match is one of the funniest of all time.
Hess CHARGES, swinging like a madman, hitting this little twerp who's a
foot smaller than him with a SHITTY looking WUSSY FLAB RUNNING KICK, and
then begins punching AGAIN and AGAIN. Anderson is running for his life 10
seconds into it. Suddenly, Anderson goes for a double leg!! Ha ha ha, Hess
just beats on his back with elbows until he lets go. Anderson tries a throw,
and trust me (I've had little guys try to throw me before), that's not gonna
work. While Mcarthy can't see, Hess gets in an eyerake. What a heel. Hess
connects with a good shot to the face, Anderson hits the mat. Hess' flab
is all over him, and suddenly Anderson reverses and is on top! Wow, this
match is cooler than I remember. Anderson tries strangling him, but no luck.
Hess' size and weight allows him to escape, and Hess is back to pounding
on him. WUSSY FLAB KICK
connects. More shots to the back and neck. Two WUSSY FLAB KICKS miss. Mcarthy
screams for Hess not to rake the eyes. Hess connects with two shots to the
side of the head, and Anderson goes down for good. Two knees to the temple
by Hess, and the ref stops it. Big Fat Flabby John Hess is the winner.
Todd Medina promo
My little brother wrestled his son (it may have been nephew, too...but there
was a relation) in a tournament several years ago. Medina's son eventually
won the state tournament, but my brother was the only one who gave him a
challenge (my brother almost beat him once). <proud> Anyway Todd Medina
uses Bruce Lee's JEET KUNE DO~!!! I've always been a JEET KUNE DO mark.
According to Todd, all his fighting power comes from god. And that is why
you will never see Todd Medina win a UFC tournament.
Medina: I've trained harder than anyone else...you'll see it when I step
in there.
Larry Cureton
Sorry, but I can't imagine anyone named "Larry" winning a UFC,
either. Regardless, this is a big black kickboxer (kind of like The Godfather).
Cureton: I'm a professional fighter and a professional fire fighter (???)
Tonight I'm taking off the kid gloves, stepping into the octagon and I'm
gonna knock somebody OUT.
Bruce tells us he's the current North American kickboxing champion. His nickname is "Thunderfoot." Blatnik mispronounces Medina's name as "med-eye-nah." It's MED-EE-NAH.
Tale of the tape:
Medina: 24, 5'10, 260. Jeet Kune Do. Newport Beach, California.
Cureton: 25, 6'2, 230. American Kickboxing. Jersey City, New Jersey.
RON JEREMY intros the fighters.
Mcarthy starts the match.
Bruce tells us the average length of a UFC match is 2:22.
Medina quickly tries for a double leg, and switches to a single when that
fails. He takes Cureton down. Cureton, while on his back, traps Medina in
a somewhat weak chokehold. Medina punches away at Cureton's side. Medina
gets out of the choke, and punches away from a semi-mounted position. They
scuffle for a bit, Cureton gets his shitty chokehold back, and Medina at
the same time shoots in a half nelson. Medina throws some punches at Cureton's
thigh, which has to hurt like hell. Medina works out, and gets a halfharted
choke, but it's the headbutts that cause Cureton to tap out. Cureton, as
far as I'm concerned, is a wuss. That wasn't that bad of a situation he
was in. The two embrace after the fight is over. Time of match: 2:55. Jim
Brown is noticeably pissed that the black guy lost. Blatnick does a forgettable
interview with Medina. Medina's eye is closing up.
Oleg Taktarov promo.
This guy is definetly not all there. He's one of those guys that trains
his whole life and talks to no one. I like this guy a lot. He's one guy
you would not want to fuck with. Unless your Dan Severn. More on that later.
Taktarov (reading off a card, in broken english): I Oleg Taktarov. From
Russia. From Gorky. Now I from Dallas Texas. (he gives some titles he's
won). It my first time in America. Thank you. (at this point he gives a
RETARD SMILE that puts Terry Funk's to shame). Bruce tells us he has not
lost a fight in 10 years. Oleg looks deep in thought as he makes his way
out.
ERNEST VERDECIA PROMO~!!!
Ha ha ha, here's the obgliatory "gay guy." Bruce: A paramedic
by trade, he plans to lay on the hands tonight!
Verdecia(wussy voice): Hi, I'm Ernest Verdecia, the fighting paramedic from
Miami, Florida. I'm a first degree black belt in Kenpo Karate, all my entourage
are licensed EMTs and paramedics, and (smiling) my opponents are gonna need
them when I am finished with them.
Jim Brown predicts a quick victory for Taktarov.
Tale of the Tape:
Taktarov: 27, 6'0, 205. Sambo. Gorky, Russia.
Verdecia: 27, 5'10, 219. Kenpo Karate. Miami, Florida.
Ron Jeremy lists Taktarov's many accomplishments. Some of the crowd boos
him because he is from Russia, hahaha.
Mcarthy starts the match, after trying to explain to Taktarov where he is
supposed to stand. Verdecia actually gets the first takedown. Verdecia on
top punching. Taktarov keeps him in close so the punches are not powerful.
Verdecia breaks free and connects with an ALLSOME headbutt on Taktarov.
Taktarov looks VERY relaxed, not worried at all. Verdecia tries to get better
postition, and OUT OF NOWHERE Taktarov reverses it with an elevator and
traps Verdecia in a PERFECT head arm headlock. Verdecia taps instantly.
Time of match 2:23.
Sick. I accidentally stopped the tape, and WCW Worldwide is on.
DAN SEVERN PROMO.
Recap of Severn's ass-kicking performance in UFC 4. They show the opening
of the Severn/Gracie match, where Severn took his Brazillian ass down immediately.
They say Severn has destroyed everyone in his path, and gave Gracie his
toughest match ever. Shots of Severn giving Anthony Macias those two suplays
that are always shown on UFC promos. "A man of awesome power and skill.
Most fighters agree, Daniel Severn is the man to beat tonight. The
Beast is back." <marks out> Severn enters...the lead man in his
entourage is holding aloft the NWA TITLE. Al Snow, although he trained Severn,
is nowhere to be seen.
Joe Charles Promo
HAHAHAH, he's wearing some African tribal outfit and DANCING. That's what
he does to train. He will be eaten.
Charles ("Nigga" voice): Hi, I'm Joe Charles from Culver City,
California. I was RAISED in the streets. And I know what it's like to fight.
You've seen me in UFC 4, and you'll see me again to night. Check it out.
I'm outta heah. Charles is the only person who has "personalized"
entrance music. Some terrible rap song. Charles is flabby as hell. Interesting
note, Charles has the fastest match up to this point in UFC history, Severn
has been in the longest match in UFC history (vs. Gracie) up to this point.
Tale of the Tape:
Severn: 36, 6'2, 260. Wrestling. Coldwater, Michigan.
Charles: 35, 6'1, 260. Judo. Culver City, California.
RON JEREMY: Back in the octagon tonight, a veteran of the Ultimate Fighting
Championship, a man with over 70 national and INNNNternational titles in
Sambo, Freestyle and Greco-Roman Wrestling, the National Wrestling Alliance
Heeaavy Weight Champion, 36 years old, 6 feet 2 inches tall, 260 pounds
from Coldwater Michigan, the beast is back Daniel SEVEEEEERRRRN.
<huge pop>
Damn Severn looks scary. Fuck you, Shamrock.
Mcarthy starts the match. Damn, Charles isn't wearing a cup. I can tell.
Sick.
FUCK YEAH!! BOOM!!!! Charles starts a kick, and INSTANTLY Severn hits the
double leg and DRRRRIVVVESSS Charles into the cage, taking his black ass
down <crowd pops>. Severn hits some BIG knees to the face. Charles
is cut 30 seconds into it. Charles wards him off for a few seconds, and
turns out and begins to stand up. MISTAKE. Severn is behind him and locks
a choke. CHOKE THAT PIECE OF SHIT OUT!!! HELL YEAH!!! <HUUUUGE POP>
Charles taps.
Severn gets up and does that "stomp around the ring with his arms up
looking HELLA pissed off" thing. The crowd loves it. Time of match:
1:39.
After everything settles down, Charles tries to hug him like 10 times. Severn
talks to Blatnick and is in good spirits. Charles hugs him again and panders
to the fans. Pathetic.
They show the brackets. Hess has "bruised his hand" and cannot continue. Dave Beneteau takes his place. In a HILARIOUS bit, Brown and Blatnick mock Hess saying "If SAFTA thinks that submission fighting is silly, I wonder what it thinks about quitting?" Brown says "I'm sure the injury must be very severe" (sarcastic).
Dave Beneteau promo. It shows the way he won to earn the right to be
an alternate. That fucker won and started parading around with the Canadian
flag.
Beneteau: I have an extensive background in Judo and Wrestling....but I'll
go toe to toe with anyone who wants to exchange punches.
Brown and Blatnick mock Hess some more. Todd Medina enters.
Beneteau Tale of the Tape: 27, 6'2, 258. Judo/Wrestling Hybrid. Ontario,
Canada.
Ron Jeremy mispronounces Jeet Kune Do.
Mcarthy starts the match. Beneteau hits a nice double leg and takes Medina
to the mat. They hump each other for a bit, Beneteau is working for a choke.
Lands some good right hands. Medina squirms out, but Beneteau punches the
piss out of him and ends up back on top. Beneteau works in a double leg
grapevine so Medina can't push him off. Eventually Beneteau lets go and
gets in a mounted postition and lands several good shots dead on. Medina's
corner throws in the towel. Beneteau is in the finals. Jesus, Jim Brown
barely talks, and when he does. it's moronic. He's the Steve McMichael of
UFC. Time of match 2:13. It would have been interesting to see Hess vs.
Medina. Medina probably would have won.
SEVERN vs. TAKTAROV
Blatnick says he has a feeling Taktarov is going to win. Brown goes with
Severn.
This is one of my 3 favorite UFC matches of all time. Both are excellent
grapplers. I think both of these guys, if given another chance, could take
Gracie no problem.
Taktarov enters.
DAN SEVERN PROMO 2.
Ha, Severn is wearing a PINK WIFEBEATER as he throws some fat guys around
a ring. Severn actually talks.
Severn (saying memorized bit): Hi, I'm Dan Severn from Coldwater, Michigan.
I held back in UFC 4, but tonight, when that gate shuts, I'm going to turn
the beast loose.
Severn enters, and does hit ritual "wipe your sweaty pits with your
tshirt" routine.
Bruce and Jim pick Severn. Blatnick sticks with Taktarov.
RON JEREMY intros Taktarov. Some boos, again.
RON JEREMY intros Severn. Big pop.
Bruce: It is a Severn house. And a classic US/Russia matchup.
Mcarthy starts the match. Both are very cautious. Severn gets a good modified single leg into a bow and arrow postion, and hits a HARD knee right to Taktarov's face. Taktarov is not fazed. Severn lands a flurry of punches, but Taktarov keeps his composure. Severn's grandma-looking manager, Phyllis Lee, is seen shouting encouragement. A USA chant starts. Severn almost appears to be manuvering Taktarov over into a boston crab, but stops and throws more punches every time. Severn does beautiful work here, not letting Taktarov get any joint lock for more than a second, and throws punches at the same time. Taktarov, despite getting punched several times, maintains his cool, and keeps looking for an armlock. Severn gets Taktarov folded up, pushed against the cage. Then, the COOLEST moment in UFC history starts. Severn lands ONE knee to the head. TWO. THREE. Blood GUSHES from of TAKTAROV'S EYE. Taktarov, amazingly, maintains composure and keeps looking for a lock. But it's too much and he can't see very well. Another minute and a half goes, Severn lands a few more punches and HUGE knees to the face, and Mcarthy stops it. Taktarov is a bloody mess. Doctors rush in to check out Taktarov. Severn does "stomp around the ring with his arms up looking HELLA pissed off" thing. Time of match 4:21. Blatnick interviews Severn. Severn is anxious to get to the back. The final of Beneteau vs. Severn is set. Actually, not a bad main event on paper.
Blatnick and Brown take questions from internet fans. Brown shows signs of intelligence when he answers a question about Tyson by saying Tyson would definetly lose in the UFC.
"Superfight"
3 Time UFC Champ Royce Gracie vs. "King of Shootfighting" Ken
Wayne Shamrock
There is a 30 minute time limit.
Shamrock is pissed because Gracie defeated him in an earlier UFC, so he
gets a rematch.
Superfight Promo
Damn, Shamrock looks young here. He's not as bulky as he is now. They show
Shamrock's "home for boys" that he and his foster dad run. Pic
of Ken from 1977. Sick. Ken does a short interview. Too bad he is so cheesy
in WWF, he's actually a pretty good speaker.
Tale of the Tape:
Gracie: 28, 6'1, 180. Gracie Jiu-Jitsu. Rio De Janeiro, Brazil.
Shamrock: 31, 6'0, 215. Shootfighting. Lockford, California.
Gracie gets a huge pop on his entrance. To be honest, I don't like either
one of these guys too much. Shamrock gets some boos. Gracie was king of
UFC as far as most of the fans were concerned.....until he pussied out after
this UFC.
Mcarthy starts the match. Both are cautious. Shamrock almost connects with
a huge punch. He eventually gets the first takedown. Gracie gets into his
guard that he is good at, Shamrock is very agressive. It's only a minute
and a half in. We are in for a long match. Brown makes his 2nd and final
intelligent comment of the night: It may look like these two guys are just
laying on each other, but there is really a lot of strategy involved. I
totally agree with that. It may be boring at times, but the stupid fans
can't appreciate the fact that if they make a mistake, it's over. So we
are 7 minutes in....Gracie is still in the guard doing short kicks to the
kidneys that aren't doing much damage, and Shamrock is getting some quick
shots to the head in. Crowd starts booing. Fuck them. At 8 minutes, Gracie
gets some good punches from the bottom, but Shamrock squelches them with
a good headbutt. 11 minutes in. It's amazing that Gracie is so comfortable
on the bottom, especially with Shamrock being the agressor. 14 minutes in.
Gracie is still looking for a choke that Shamrock refuses to give him. At
14:50, the two finally poop out and are actually just laying on each other.
Mcarthy tells them to get working. 15:28, some activity. Shamrock gets a
good punch, Gracie almost turns him over. This is now the longest fight
in UFC history. 20 minutes in. Gracie is trying to piss Shamrock off by
slapping the sides of his head. He's trying to get Shamrock to expose his
head so Gracie can lock a choke on. 22 minutes. Gracie is starting to realize
his aura of invincibility is leaving. He was injured and couldn't continue
in UFC 3, he won on a fluke over Severn in UFC 4, and now Shamrock is on
the verge of taking him to a draw. He keeps trying to antagonize Shamrock
so he makes a mistake. 26 minutes in. Gracie is getting restless. Crowd
starts a Gracie chant. Shamrock still maintains his position. 28:30, a
SHAMROCK chant starts. Weird. 30 minutes, and that's it. Mcarthy authorizes
a 5 minute overtime. (The match doesn't stop, they just keep going up to
35 minutes). 31 minutes, and Mcarthy finally breaks them up. They go back
to the corners to start again standing. Gracie fires a kick that just misses.
They exchange a few punches. Shamrock connects with a huge punch, Gracie
goes down...but now they are back on the mat where they just were for a
half hour. 2 minutes left in overtime.....crowd is booing like crazy. Shamrock
is still throwing short punches. With a minute left, Shamrock almost gets
a choke on...but NOP, doesn't happen. 30 seconds left, Gracie's face looks
like hamburger...he is cut now. This one is over. Hahahaha, Shamrock and
Gracie hug, the crowd BOOOOOOOOOS them big time. Gracie looks fucked up,
Shamrock looks fine. Shamrock plays to the crowd and a gets a good reaction.
Gracie is now getting booed. This was the end of Royce Gracie in UFC, he
didn't come back after that match. So Shamrock is now over, Gracie is hated.
Almost like a wrestling angle. Sheesh. Blatnick interviews Shamrock afterword.
UFC final: Severn vs. Beneteau
Beneteau enters. It may be me, but he looks nervous. They show a short clip
of Beneteau saying "I'm not going to let my country down." Heh.
Severn enters with his game face on, and does the "wipe my sweaty pits
with my tshirt" routine. Short clip of Severn saying his opponent will
regret stepping into the octagon with him.
RON JEREMY intros Beneteau, who gets little reaction. Severn gets a decent
pop. The crowd is a little worn after that last match. Mcarthy starts the
match. Both are wrestlers, so they stay on their feet and grapple for a
bit. Beneteau almost gets a single on Severn, but Severn's experience says
EEH EHH! Severn drives Beneteau into the cage. Both still trying for a takedown.
It's basically just a wrestling match now. Severn trips Beneteau, and is
on top, raining punches down on Beneteau. Severn gets an armlock at 3:03,
and Benteau gives up instantly. Severn's
grandma-looking manager comes in to celebrate. Severn wins UFC 5, and holds
up his UFC and NWA belts for the fans. He also gets the oversized novelty
$50000 check. During the closing moments, the good point is brought up that
Gracie's time may have passed. They hint at a possible Severn/Shamrock match
in the future. Heh.
A pretty good show. The Shamrock/Gracie match dragged, but all the other matches were short and very good. Beneteau never did much of anything after this, although he was very good. John Hess was never seen again. Damn. Taktarov and Severn had a pretty good rematch a few PPVs later. I may get into those eventually. On the heels of this, I may put together a UFC comp that I may be selling soon for about 10 bucks or so. A long tape of good UFC matches would be NUMBER ONE AND BEST.
I know why Severn won. Because he talked to me on the phone a few weeks before the event. So there.