Characters:
~
Chutter - Experienced public humiliation last time he did one of these events.
Original Heckler - Feeling pretty proud of himself for serving it up to ol' Chutts before.
Heckler #2: The Original brought friends this time.
Heckler #3: That's friends, plural.
Heckler #4: Wait - where is he?

Chutter: H-h-hello ever-ryone. It's Ch-Ch-Chutter again, h-helping Mr. W-Walter Henfield w-with announcem-m-m-ments for Metroid II: R-R-Return of Samus-us, which w-was re-released on the G-Game Boy in 1991 by Nint-tendo R&D1. We t-turn now to-o Walter.
Heckler #2: Man, is this guy stupid! He's so lame, he should come with a cane or something!
Heckler #3: Indeed. The ignoramus of the next century, because this century's apparently wasn't enough!
Original Heckler: Heh-heh. You're dead meat, Chutter. Dead meat. In case you haven't noticed, spinster's not here to save you. Got married or something. Oh, we're going to have fun with you tonight.
*door creaks open* Heckler #4: Sorry I'm late, heh. I was just rehearsing. I have some funny material. You guys are going to laugh!
Chutter: J-jeeze…

Aw, they're mingling. =]

The teenage years for a video game series can be awkward. Developers, not quite sure where a series is heading, may try different stuff. And so you get some real oddities: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, Zelda II: The Adventure of Link, the US version of Super Mario Bros. 2, and WarioWare: Twisted! being some examples. (Well, the WarioWare series as a whole is rather demented.)

But it doesn't end there. Series move on, growing into their adults forms and producing the finest examples of their core gameplay. For Castlevania's part, games like Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse, Super Castlevania IV, and Castlevania: Rondo of Blood were just around the bend. The Legend of Zelda series would not too far in the future be responsible for A Link to the Past and Link's Awakening. The Bros. would return in Super Mario Bros. 3 and Super Mario World. And WarioWare? It would

Hey Everybody! Lookie What I Got! Let's all laugh at teenage Jimmy Fallon! What a dink!

But, even considering the transitionary nature of these second games - later entries' successes causing them to be assigned merely "prelude of things to come" significance - there's a fundamental question we must ask.

Do they have to be bad?

Chutter: N-next up, g-g-g-game mecha-anics a-and elements.
Original Heckler: Yo, Chutter! Your mom works at a Bennigan's! Oooh, burn!
Heckler #2: That's some hokey announcing, man. Where were you born? A hospital not named after a saint or in memoriam of someone special? I'll bet you were! Hahaha!
Heckler #3: Abysmal! Trite rubbish such as this indicates an inborn lack of what we so precisely refer to as 'IT'. You, my dear child, lack 'IT'.
Original Heckler: Good jabs, guys! Keep 'em comin'!
Heckler #4: Yeah! Haha! Your… Like, a relative of yours died of cancer or something. Heh. Right, guys?
Hecklers #1-3: ...

Return of Samus is much more forgiving than its predecessor; with save points, energy and missile refill stations, and less brutal damage dolings, SR388 is a much more hospitable planet. I'd guess it's a right good Southerly planet, if I have any credibility on the positioning of heavenly bodies. And Samus takes advantage of its hospitality by bumping off her kindly hosts. After all, the bounty hunter's mission is that of taking out 39 still-at-large Metroids. Samus knows there are this many on the planet because, well, she's got people on the inside. Connections, baby. She owns this galaxy, and don't you forget it. If Ridley's the leader of the Space Pirates, Samus is the head of the Galactic Mafia. She's dead set on giving SR388 a slaughter it can't refuse.

Quit Monkeying Around! I get that you want to explore, but don't you have 39 Metroids in need of whacking?

Metroid was innovative, while Metroid II is fun. The game was great Metroid on the go while the series was still figuring out just where it was going.

Chutter: S-s-so n-next we turn to-o gamep-play, m-music, and at-at-atmosphere.
Original Heckler: Here's a story: When Chutter was in grade school guess what grade he got on his tests?? An 'A' - for 'Authentically Terrible'!
Heckler #2: Right! I'll bet you kissed the girls and made them cry, Chutts - out of repulsion! You've created your own universe. You must now eternally suffocate from the air surrounding you, so filled with your life's failures and questions of all that could have been.
Original Heckler: Wow, brutal, fellas! But tasteful, nonetheless! Kudos!
Heckler #4: Uh… Yeah… So, your dad cheated on your mom and your parents got divorced and your mom married an alcoholic who abuses her and now she looks like thirty years older than your friends' moms. Funny, er, right?
Original Heckler: …not exactly how I'd describe it.

Metroid II continues along the path set by its predecessor, with an eerie title theme, a heroic song upon starting to pump you up for beginning of your journey, and various creepy, edge-setting, and ambient songs, along with a happy end-of-the-game track. But where this game really sets itself apart is with its graphics.

Black and White is Beautiful: Some things are just better without color.

Now here me out. Metroid's always been about making the player feel the simultaneous wonder and anxiety of the mystery of the unknown. You go into a big open world, there's both opportunity as well as culture shock. Take away the color, and the world's even more ambiguous. Who said looking at something black-and-white simplifies things? This is a much fairer, more merciful, more benevolent and wise and mighty measure than simply making the backgrounds pitch black.

…though there's some of that here, too.

Chutter: I-if th-there's anyth-th-thing Mr. H-Henfield would like to a-a-add to what he-he's already-eady said, let him *tries to manage a grin* s-s-speak now or f-f-f-forever hold his p-p-peace.
Original Heckler: Hey Chutts! Pick a hand!
*puts hands behind his back*
Chutter: U-uhm… Left?
Original Heckler: Too bad! They both say the same thing. And that, my friend, is that you're so stilted you oughta be used to protect houses from flooding!
Heckler #2: Right on, my brother! You emit so much suckage you've been designated a priority environmental hazard!
Heckler #3: My fellow Homo sapien, had you any talent it would be in aiding in the showcasing of talent possessed by fellow men via comparative process.
Heckler #4: Heh. This is going to be really funny… You know, so everyone hates you and you're going to live the rest of your life alone. Hahaha! Why are you guys looking at me like that?

Metroid II isn't a controversial game, and it's not world-renowned. Being a handheld release at a time when handhelds weren't taken very seriously (think a Walter Henfield review), it didn't receive the attention its brand name deserved. In fact, they spat on it and laughed. Following up the seminal Metroidvania and preceding its purest incarnation, Return of Samus was left abandoned, mistreated, abused, never to know peace or joy or even the faintest contentment. It's not like it was poorly-received, or didn't do justice to the series' legacy. It's not like it didn't try its dangedest in all that it did, not like it wasn't deserving of more.

Why, daddy!? Why!?

Stuck in the Middle with You: Unless you're Patricia Heaton and this is the set of that lame ABC show.

Yet most will agree Samus's second outing was at least crucial to the development of the series, as it bridged a great gap between the two buffer releases. Which is all that Metroid and Super Metroid are: buffer games to cushion Metroid II: Return of Samus so she can make it through the adoring fans and paparazzi without being imposed upon. Or, in some reality this is the case.

Chutter: A-as we wra-wrap up this p-performance, W-Walter w-w-will leave us w-w-with a few-ew concluding th-thoughts.
Original Heckler: Forget Walter! You, Chutts, are clearly the star of the show! Look at you - you're glowing! NOT! You're so bad you've dabbled in every existing type of fail throughout your artistic evolution!
Heckler #2: Hahaha! Stupid is as stupid was, is, and always will be!
Heckler #3: Verily, a fingernail of mine own has grown more in the passing week than has your public speaking abilities.
Original Heckler: Is the floor made up of lava, because I'm hearing a lot of burn going on up in here!
Heckler #4: Wait, wait, guys, I just thought of something that's going to be really laughable. So, uh… Dude, you said something really dumb and then felt embarrassed. Ha! I bet you guys are about to laugh, eh? I mean, what I said was true, and that's what makes it funny, you know?
Original Heckler: Stop. Just, please. STOP.

Metroid II isn't hailed an utter classic like other Metroids, but you know what? It's okay with that. It has its circle of fans, the respect of anyone who understands the series' evolution, and the satisfaction of knowing it's a fun, warm, and generous game. Personifications aside, her rosy-fingered scythe cut the thread of elephants and donkeys wept tears from the sky unveiling all sorts of crazy swag behind the coy iron curtain.

Besides Super Metroid, this is one W. Clarence Henfield's favorite classic-style Metroid outing, so sue 'im.

Try Our "New Review Plus": You'll be glad you did!

Chutter: Th-th-thank you, Mr. Henfield, f-fo-for your t-time this eveni-ning. I'd a-ask our audience m-m-members to st-stay s-s-safe on the t-t-t-t-trip h-h-home.
Original Heckler: Yeah, and thanks, as always, for sucking, Chutts! This was almost as good as last weekend's roast of #2's kerni-- …Never mind.
Heckler #2: Wait a minute. When I called you up and asked you to help me lick-and-seal letters annual Halloween cards to the sound team behind the Game & Watch library and you said you couldn't, you were actually talking about my pet kerniffle, Sir Lord Fliffyflarf, behind his back?
Original Heckler: Hold up! I never said such a-
Heckler #2: Oh? You were about to! Tell me, #3, was it a bucket of laughs? To heck with you guys!
Heckler #3: 'Twas funny, to a point.
Original Heckler: What are you talking about? You were crying with laughter so hard you effectively tricked your mind into thinking it was undergoing catharsis at the roast.
Heckler #3: That was a response to internal stimuli.
Heckler #2: Good gravy, man! Speak American!
Heckler #3: Why? Thoust intimidated? Thoust only mean to tone my genius downward!
Original Heckler: He's right. You always suppress me when I talk smart.
Heckler #2: Thoust was plural, you oaf! *grabs Original Heckler's throat with his left hand*
Original Heckler: *grabs back with his right hand* Ack! Ack! Oh, you were - gaggh! - were you? *grabs #3's throat with his left hand*
Heckler #3: *grabs back with his right hand* Aggh! I might well have been! Gack! I certainly meant to include #2 in my proclamation! *grabs #2's throat with his left hand*
Heckler #2: *grabs back with his right hand* So this is what it's - gaggh! - come to!
Heckler #3: Friends we are - gack! - no longer! Original Heckler: Agh! Fine by me!
Heckler #4: L-O-L. I just thought of something funny to say to you, Chutter. Chutter?
Chutter: *Left when things started to escalate.*