|"Oh, hey there, my friends. I'm just filling in this one time because the Master Librarian couldn't be here--something about spontaneous combustion? We can't be sure. Everything's OK, though, but I'm not leaving here until they've had a chance to shampoo the carpets. Anyway: Let's see what lurks in this, the latest entry into the Castlevania Library. Hmmmmm. Dragula 5: Revenge, is it? Oh, well--I, uh, see. That's, um, interesting. I've ... never seen anything like it. I'm not sure I ever wanted to. If Dracula were to find out about this, he'd cancel my lease. Though, he probably could never find me because I only seem to appear randomly and in certain rooms. Hell, even I don't understand it."|
Dragula 5: Revenge
By Boogie Mann and Sam Mills
Dragula. The name itself could make chills run down your spine. Or vomit roll down your chin. Whatever the response, it would certainly make one sick to his stomach! However, something really, really bad happened to Imon Smellmont. After his first encounter with Dragula, he came down with a really horrendous case of piles. It wasn't just his allergy to letters, it was a curse! Apparently, Dragula was able to work his anti-charms on Imon, and every night, there was great suffering for the warrior (as well as those within a mile radius of his outhouse).
Could the curse be lifted? Someone had to know. One night 7 years after his victory against Dragula, Imon got a knock at his door. "No!" Imon yelled at them, striking them with his pitchfork. "I don't want any girl school cookies!" Then, another visitor came, and offered Imon the solution to his problems. The man wore a black cloak, with a hood coving his face. He smelled like ginger, and looked like the blob. "Blob? I didn't know you existed! Can I eat you?"
"Hush!" the man said. "I'm no blob, I'm a friend from another realm. I've crossed over to help!" the man said. He sounded like Cornell Sanders. They sat and the secret man gave Imon secrets to freedom from the curse. "After a botched plastic surgery, all Dragula's parts were scattered over the land. Find all Dragula's parts, put him together, and kill him!"
"Wouldn't it be better if I took some Imodium?" Imon asked.
"No! You must find Dragula's parts and kill him. Not just defeat him in a competition. You must kill him!" the man insisted.
"I'm not sure what kind of parts you mean. Does he have a door knocker, or a doorway?"
The man was getting impatient. "It doesn't matter! During his last plastic surgery, his body parts were scattered after the doctor purged. Just search around, and you'll find his parts all over the place! Go, go!"
Later that night, someplace hidden, Alugard was sleeping soundly in a coffin. Actually, it was more of a dutch oven , but it helped with his back. While having dreams of drinking blood and licking snotty noses, he was awoken by a loud bang on the side of his container. "What the..."
"Alugard, wake up! Bad news! Your father is about to be revived by Imon Smellmont! You need to find your father after he's been re-assembled and kill him!" a man outside said.
"Re-assembled? Is he having plastic surgery again?" Alugard couldn't believe it.
"Botched surgery! You need to kill Dragula after his reassembly and take him out!"
Imon had went to many places on his quest. He went days and nights without sleep. Apparently, his piles got so bad at night, he was banished from every town. So he kept on going. He found Dragula's silky shaved legs in the forest. He found ribs the size of brontosaurus in the mountainside. Then, he found Dragula's heart. There was more cholesterol in in than a bag of McDonalds Big Macs.
Finally, the last piece was to be found: Dragula's face! But it was guarded by the Slim Reaper. Imon found Slim hanging out in a nudist club, smoking cigars. He was alone. The other members died of fright. However, Imon could handle it. "Slim! Get ready for a death match!" he said as he entered.
"You?! Stay away from me! You ruined my dress!" Slim said.
"And your master has given me piles! So aren't we both content. I need his face!"
"Why? Wanna sit on it? No way!" Slim said. So what'd he do? He grabbed his trusty nail file, and the two clashed weapons worse than dog poo in a taco. Slim filed down Imon's pitchfork with every strike, and soon, the pitchfork was little more than a small stump.
But that didn't stop Imon. He used his stump and stuffed the large stick..."hey, don't go there!" Slim cried. But it was too late. He found himself stuffed like a thanksgiving turkey. Slim flew off, looking like a deformed pogo-stick.
The face was in a very odd place. Someone had put it in the oven, but thankfully it wasn't cooked. Now came the task of reassembling. Imon had sever reservations, but he got out his trust yarn, a staple gun, and a bottle of super glue, and pieced the man together. The body was done, and he used 6 potato bag sacks to cover it. The last piece was the face, which insert like a key into a hole.
"Stop!" yelled Alugard as he entered the kitchen. But it was too late. Dragula was alive again! And he had a bad pair of fangs to go with his attitude. Even more frightening that that was when his potato sacks fell to the ground. I made Imon passed out, and Alugard nearly went blind...then passed out. Using his powers, Dragula put himself into a black silk satin gown that showed off each and every roll in his body!
With his two foes out, he knew he was free to take over the world! "Now it's time to go get lunch! Chilly would be nice for some chemical warfare!"
"Not so fast!" The mysterious man dressed in all black and talked like Cornell Sanders stepped up. "I've come a long way to take you out!"
"Oh really? And what do you think you are? The tar monster?" Dragula said with a large cackle.
The mystery man pulled off his cloak, and revealed his true self...THE MASTER LIBRARIAN!!!
"I've come a long way, through multiple dimensional boundaries to take you out, you...you...stupid man face! My master, Lord Dracula, is really angry with you, and he's sent me here to kill you, so there will be no more Dragula stories to make fun of him anymore!!!"
Dragula blinked a few times, and gave the funny old man a glare. "I'm sorry, multiple dim...what?" Dragula was confused. No matter, the M.L had come to clean this drag queens closet, and he wasn't going to give up till he was done!
"You and I have unfinished business." The Librarian said. "You need to use to potty?" Dragula said.
"Look, if you want to have a drag competition, you'll have to wait until I take over the world. As for this Dracula fellow, he can kiss my fat butt!"
The Librarian was shocked, and he wasn't going to take this anymore! He ran over to the kitchen sink, grabbed and frying pan, and used it to smack Dragula across the face. Unfazed, Dragula grinned at the M.L. and burped in his face. "NASTY!" the Librarian yelled. "You need to scrape that tongue with a battle axe!"
"Try to hurt me, you can't do! It'll turn you brainwaves into glue!" Dragula said. "How about some friendly competition?"
"I'm NOT putting on a dress!" the Librarian insisted. Dragula grinned. "I'm not, not, NOT doing it!"
The ghouls all showed up to see what was to be the show of the century! The stage was set up, the bombies brough popporn, and all the queerwolves were howling with delight! Dragula came out, dressed up with so much makeup, his face looked like a cake. "Now, put your hands together for my competitor...The Master Librarian!"
Hesitantly, the M.L. came out to introduce himself. He was sooooooooo humiliated. His dress sagged to the floor and he looked like a bad version of Roseanne Barr. "I'm....oh never mind..." he gruffed.
"Let's begin the show!" Dragula said.
"I'll go first," the Librarian suggested, shocked Dragula and the audience. Dragula always went first! But he insisted like a kid in a candy store wanting s'mores.
"Very well," Dragula said, moving back. The spotlight went to the M.L. as he began with a song:
"Give me the power of lightning and
Show me the way to fulfill my desire!
Fry this here Dragula with the wraith of my master!
Kill him! Destroy him! Faster, yes, FASTER!"
Suddenly, the ground began to shake worse than Dragula walking after eating breakfast. The sky's filled with lightning and thunder, wind blew like crazy. The world began a bowel movement inside of a whale! Dragula was struck repeatedly by lightning, and he cried out in pain. The ghouls scattered during this most shocking of experiences.
"Dracula's mad at you, Draggy thing! And now, it's time to die! Then there will be no more parodies!"
"Parody?! Did you ever consider that this is the real world...aaaaah!..." Dragula said.
The M.L. thought for a moment, then said, "Draggy, take it from someone who does books for a living. Every story character thinks their world is the real world! Now please die...pretty please...just drop over dead, and I'll be happy!"
Dragula feel to the ground, causing a giant crater in the ground. He was apparently dead, and the M.L was happy as a pig in shit flavored with cocoa butter. His role was complete, and he was on his way back home. Would Dragula ever return? M.L. didn't care, for his vengeance was sweet.
So that's the story. Don't worry folks, a little death never kept a drag queen down, and Dragula isn't your normal drag queen. Resurrection occurs to all those divine, and a few not so...divine. But be forewarned, for when Dragula awakens from this awful chapter of his life, and realizes he didn't even get to compete, his fangs are going to be sharp and ready for battle. Everyone may want to get ready for one hell of a hickey!