|"If I weren't just a giant floating head, I'd punch this 'Dragula' guy right in his flabby face! That's right--I may appear to be a gentle, sophisticated mound of mind power, but underneath this robe lay the physique of a Greek god who could make all of Mount Olympus shake! You should have seen, for example, Shaquille O'Neal flee in terror of just my sheer presence! I haven't seen him run that fast since they opened the line at the free buffet. Really. Oh, OK--so it's all one big lie. So I don't want you to see, for the fourth time, these vile lads take liberties on my master, Lord Dracula, when he doesn't deserve such insolence. But you're going to read it anyway, aren't you? Yeah? Go ahead. See if I care."|
Dragula 4: Back for More
By Boogie Mann and Sam Mills
The year: 2035. The place? Japan. Soda Booze had come to town on business. What kind of business? Well, it's not something appropriate to speak of. Lets just say there wasn't a free toilet from New York to there! When Soda got to Japan, he decided to stay for a while. It was a little hard at first, picking up the language, and developing a taste for sushi.
One day, after drinking a lot of sake, he went look for a holy shrine, the porcelain Goddess. On his quest, he found himself climbing up some stairs that seemed to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...and on and on and on and on...Then he passed out.
When he awoke, Soda found himself outside of a rather dirty castle. Kneeling next to him was a little girl. "My name is Mini, and I'm really silly," she said. "I'm not looking to blame, but what is your name?"
"I'm...So...da...booze..." he uttered.
"Yes, you are so the booze, but I think you mean you drank too much booze," she said.
"Enough!" A man dressed in black and dressed like Marilyn Manson stepped up. "This place is dangerous! You there, the stupid drunk one, go inside and figure out what's up! This is Dragula's castle!"
"Excuse me? Do what?" Soda asked. "Who are you?"
"My name? Uh, it's...um...Alufart."
Suddenly, they were attacked by a horde of rather horrendous looking skeletons, who had no fashion sense what so ever. They came after them with large nail files, and sang bad Village People music ("Y.M.C.A!"). "Oh my oh my, we're going to die!" Mini said.
Soda stood and walked towards them. He pulled out his own nail file, and stabbed one in the chest. Suddenly, he felt the power of song overtake him, and he began singing Village People in a pitch so high, their boney bodies began to shatter into a thousand pieces.
"Very good," Alufart said. "You can absorb their power, sort of like a tampon."
"Yuck," Soda said.
"SHUT UP! Argue not! With this power, go forth, and find out how the hell we can get out of this horrendous castle! Being here is such a DRAG!"
Soda took off on his mission. His first quest was making it through the main hall. It was a very odd place, with lots of holes in the wall, and crystal chandeliers hanging all over the place. He was met by creepy walking "bombies", who again, had no fashion sense. "Next time, iron your shirts!" Soda cried as he sliced and diced his way through.
He collected many powers on his quest through the castle: the flaming power of the Drama Screams, the howling power of the Queer Wolves, and he learned the a new sense of terror when he fought off knights wearing feather boa's. He'd never seen such an odd but creative place as the underground cavern. "Reminds me of a leathermans bar," he said.
Soda came across a rather odd man in the castle. He seemed confused, and walked around with a pitch fork. "I know I'm here for a reason...but what, I don't know?" he told Soda.
"What is your name?" Soda asked him.
"Don't know, but the name Smellmont seems to come to mind a lot," the man said.
"Smellmont? Sounds Swedish," Soda observed.
The man said he was looking for Dragula, but didn't know who that was. So he just went on killing everything in sight. After about two minutes of this, Soda had enough. He said goodbye and sent the man on his crazy, killing spree.
Next, he came across an odd man who looked like he'd be selling cars. He didn't seem trustworthy. "I'm Gramcracker, and I'm looking to make a deal with YOU!" he said. Soda was not impressed, but the guy seemed to have a real charm to him. "I want to sell you this castle! It will cost you either 2,678,900 yen, or your soul, whatever's worth more."
"Perhaps later," Soda said. "I'm looking for a way out of this place. Another time."
Soon, Soda began to realize something. He was beginning to remember that he'd forgotten something. Or perhaps he was forgetting something he'd never remembered...or something like that. He had a major urge to put on a dress. But that wasn't an odd urge. No, it was the urge to put on a dress and destroy the world! "Why in the hell would I want to do that?" he asked himself.
He went back to ask Alufart and Mini about this. Mini said, "Perhaps time will show what it is you don't know. Until it is so, I will say 'I don't know.'"
"The dude said he was looking for Dragula here?" Alufart said. "Oh dear, he's going to be in for a disappointment! In his current condition, he's about as useless as tits on a turkey right now, as useless as poop on toast, seatbelts on a starship."
"Why is that?" Soda asked.
"Only you can defeat the spirit of Dragula. Your gift for inner conflict will be our salvation, Soda Booze," Alufart explained.
It was a big "whatever" to Soda, who was feeling so shaken up, he thought he'd explode like a can of Pepsi. He continued on back through the castle, and came across a large mirror, and a dress sitting on a chair. It was a size XXXXXXXXL, big enough to double as a tent for him. But he felt compelled to put it on. After slipping it over him, it felt like just the right size. He looked in the mirror, and saw...Dragula?!
"I knew it!" the odd pitchfork man said. "I knew you were Dragula, just as I am a Smellmont, sworn enemy of Dragula! Prepare to meet my pitchfork!"
"No, you've got it all wrong. I'm not...no, I can't be Dragula!" Soma cried.
"You look pretty cozy in that dress there!" the Smellmont cried. "Prepare to die!"
He took a swing at Soma, who tried his best to dodge the razor sharp tips. This guy was crazy, and Soda was getting rather pissed at this point. So with the next swing that came, Soda grabbed the pitchfork and threw it to the ground. He tried removing the dress, but it wouldn't come off! "This sucks!" Soda said.
"What sucks?" the man asked.
"You're attacking me!"
"I am? Are you sure? I don't remember," the man said. "Attacking with what? I have nothing?"
"Have you lost your mind?" Soda asked.
"I think so, but I don't remember...huh, how about that?" that man said. Shrugging his shoulders, he went the other way.
Soda felt crushed as a can, and fell to his knee's. "I can't be...I'm Dragula? That seems so...dumb."
Suddenly, the image of Alufart appeared before him. It was apparent he wasn't really there, which made Soda wonder if he was on LSD. "No, you are not on drugs, I am using my magic to speak to you," Alufart said. "Soda, imagine you are like an empty Pepsi can. Your soul is Pepsi, and Dragula is Coke."
"I don't like Pepsi. Let me be Coke, and Dragula can be Pepsi," Soda said.
"SHUT UP! Ok, you are a Coke can, and Dragula is Pepsi. You were empty, and I filled you lots and lots of Pepsi. So that makes you Dragula!"
Soda gasped. This couldn't be! What was he going to do about this? Alufart said the only way to get the "Pepsi" out was to "shake things up, and get the Pepsi to explode out the top." Soda was confused. "Face Dragula and compete with him!" Alufart said. "Do I need to S.P.E.L.L. it out?"
"Rude..." Soda uttered. He sat a moment, looking at the dress he wore. Suddenly, he found himself inside his own mind. It was a dark, cold, creepy place. Suddenly, the room lit up, and he found himself on stage! Disco balls hang down, and neo lights were hung all around. Before the stage was a huge crowd of people cheering. And next to him was Dragula! The sight nearly made Soda purge.
"Hey there Soda, how do you do? In this body, there's no room for you!" Dragula said. "I can outclass and out crass you any day or night!"
"You want me to compete with you?" Soda said. Dragula nodded. "You mean, in drag?"
"Just look at yourself!" Dragula said, handing Soda a mirror. Soda looked so beautiful! His hair was long and wavy white. His face was feminine. And that was before he put on his make up! After getting ready, Soda was ready to take on the trampire him/herself.
Dragula went first. The crowd went wild when his head split into three! He went on for 20 minutes, dancing and having a trio with himself. He sang:
"This can is my can! This can aint
I shake my can can, not like a man man!
You're my new outfit! Don't like it, eat grit!
This Soda can is mine, not yoooooooooours!"
Then, it was Soda's turn. He stepped up, and the crowd went silent. His dress was sparkling diamonds, and he looked like 100,000,000 yen. He began slowly and breathlessly, singing like a pro:
"You don't own me...no, you don't own
Don't tell me where to go, don't call me 'stupid hoe'!
Don't make me dress in drag! Go suck a lemon bag!
Don't use me like a dog, don't make me look like a hog!
Get out of my stupid head! Leave, and drop over DEAD!"
The crowd went wild! It was striking, and Dragula knew he'd been beaten. He began to get very angry, shaking hard and causing the whole place to quake! "This isn't fair! I want to do drag! I want to do drag!"
"Now get out!" Soda yelled.
Soda then found himself back into the room of mirrors. He was no longer in Dragula's dress, which laid next to him of the floor. A sharp and sudden pain began in his head, and it felt like an explosion inside. Suddenly, cola began spraying out of his ears, and began to soak the floor. A few moments later, the explosion stopped, and he was sitting in a large puddle.
Alufart appeared once again. "You've defeated his once again. I knew this was the only way to stop him. He needed a challenger, and unfortunately, our only hope has lost his mind!"
"Was it that memory loss dude?" Soda asked.
"Yeah, what a black sheep! Next time, let's pray the Smellmont clan doesn't have such a stinker in the batch!" Alufart said.
And with that, another saga in the Dragula universe has ended. So next time you start to notice that Dragula isn't around, and you begin to wonder where he's hiding, take a good look in the mirror. You may see a little bit of Dragula in yourself. After all, a little big of Dragula exists in all of us!