|"It's sad to see that the B-Mann has finally warped the mind of our resident voice of reason, Sam Mills, and dragged him into a pit of despair. That's right--for some odd reason, they team up together to bring you the tale that started it all. And by 'it all,' I mean these nonsensical 'parodies' where they keep sticking it to our master, who doesn't deserve such conferment! Oh, they'll pay--the Dark Lord will hear about this! While I go look for him in the castle (which could take months, since the architects didn't take into account people that can't jump thirty yards into the air), you might as well give a look-see to the latest work of this soon-to-be defunct dynamic duo. Heh-heh-heh!"|
Dragula 3: A Castlevania Parody Prequel
By Boogie Mann and Sam Mills
Once upon a night, a long, long, long, long, long time before Dragula met up with Imon Smellmont, he was a little boy. As a child, all he inspired to ever do was dress up in costumes, sing on the stage, and kill innocent people for world domination. Oh, what a dreamer he was at such a young age.
But his dreams had been shattered one day at the tender age of 126, when he was barely getting out of the fourth grade. He had asked the girl of his dreams, Lisssssssssa, if she wanted to go steady with him. He thought they could spend nights dining together at seedy bars, trade outfits and make up, and impale potential competition with microphone stands. But Lisssssssssa said, "no, I sssssssshall not. My mother'sssssss making potatoesssssss tonight." He was crushed, for then he saw her for the snake she was!
So to make a long, long, long, long, long story short, short, short, short, short, he married another and had a son named Alugard. Alugard rejected his father, ran away, and Dragula decided he would try to take over the world.
But he didn't want to make it so easy. He had a great friend who would bend over backwards to do just about anything for him. His name was Peeon Smellmont, a master at wielding the arts of but kicking, and kicking but. Well, one day, Peeon's true love, Bare-a (a nudist), was kidnapped, and taken to a big castle by...a trampire!
Usually, Peeon preferred to use a whip, but he had to give it to the IRS to cover his taxes. So he grabbed his second choice, his trusty garden hoe, and walked towards the castle. But before getting to far into the woods, he met up with some very odd man. Everyone knew him as the town bum, Sinaldo, who everyone feared and he smelled like liverwurst. "So I see you are going in there, eh?" he said as Peeon approached.
"To save my true love!" Peeon said.
"Was it that naked chic that walked by with that ugly guy?" Sinaldo asked. "Wow, he must have paid her a pretty penny. And a cleaning fee, I bet. Saving your hoe with a hoe?"
"She's not an unfortunate, she was kidnapped!" Peeon explained.
Sinaldo had great sympathy, and told Peeon about the casino he'd set up in the woods. "Come by for the games and free drinks, and perhaps a prize or two. Good luck!"
Peeon proceeded to the castle. It sure was dark in there. In fact, he couldn't see a thing, walking around, bumping into things, and bruising his knees. "Ouch!" he cried. "Perhaps I should get over my fear of what I'll see and open my eyes!" he decided.
He made his way to the main hall of the castle, and found portals to different parts of the castle. First, he came into a strange area, The Rest-stop Forgotten by Time. At first, he thought it was a garden full of metal plants, but there were lots of odd living plants, with white round bodies making horrible gurgling scream. "Welcome to Peedusa's lair!" one of them said.
He made his way through this stinky place, using his hoe to fight off Trampire Rats, Gurgleoils, and armored knights with their pants down. It didn't take long for him to manage his way through these horrors.
He some to a room where a lot of different men were standing around, holding perfectly still, like statues. But their pants were soaking wet! What did it all mean?
Suddenly, he looked around a large stone fountain of a woman, peeing into a sink. Suddenly, the stone woman came to life, and started to come towards him! "What the..."
"Hello Mr. Smellmont! I'm Peedusa! I'll scare you so bad you'll wet your pants, and be too scared to move!" she yelled.
"Oh yeah? Take this!" Peeon said, smacking her with his hoe. There was a clanking sound as he hit her, and she looked at him unfazed. Apparently, this woman was stone to the bone! She then slapped him in the face, leaving marks of her finger tips. "Damn, strong women are hard to deal with!"
"Pee!" she cried. Sudden terror came from her voice, and it caused Peeon to wet himself! But he wasn't scared, and he kept on fighting her. He hit harder, causing chips of stone to fly from her body. "Pee!" she cried again, causing the same result. But Peeon was strong. Then, Peedusa opened her mouth to say "Pee!" again, but as she did, he stuck the end of this hoe into her mouth.
"Just because I'm Peeon doesn't mean I'll be pee'd on by you anymore! Die!" With a hard yank, he snapped her stone head off, and she fell to the ground. Surprisingly, she began to bleed, but not blood. Any guesses as to what came out? (pssst! It starts with "P").
After fighting Peedusa, Peeon went to another stage of the castle. This time, it was the Drag Theater. And what a theater it was! There disco balls hanging, feather boa's wrapped around every pole and staircase, and the strange smell of nail polish everywhere Peeon went.
As Peeon went through this strange place, he started to wonder what kind of things he would run into. But it didn't take him long to find a club in this odd place! There were skeletons sitting around drinking, having fun, and playing Bone Twister. There was a stage up front where a show was about to begin. Peeon laid low in the back as the spot light came on. And he was shocked to see who came out: his old buddy, Dragula!
But this was not the Dragula Peeon knew. He wore dark lipstick, long black nails, and was wearing a black dress about 25 sizes too small for him. The crowd cheered, except for Peeon, who nearly soiled himself due to shock. Must have been his irritable bowel again.
Dragula went on to lip sink a song:
"To be human was such a drag!
I asked for a date, was turned down by a hag!
So I got myself another, and a kid.
But rejected his father, yes he did!
So I've made my mind here tonight,
I would turn to a trampire by bite!
Now behold, the new born tramp queen!
I am the most ugliest drag queen you've seen! Yeah!!!!!"
Peeon was shocked. How could Dragula do this to him? They were supposed to be friends! "I'm the only one he used to let bite him," Peeon thought. He wanted to confront his old buddy, but this wasn't the time. As much as he hated this, he was never one to crash a party. He didn't wear a costume.
So the quest went on. Peeon searched through the rest of the castle, including the Panti-Souls Laboratory, Blouse of Sacred Remains, Dark Falace Waterfalls, and finally ended up at the Pagoda of the Feisty Mooned. He fought his way through the latter, keeping his eyes closed most of the time. He didn't want to see all those ghosts showing their asses to him.
Finally, he made it to a balcony, where he found Bare-as captor: a trampire named Faulter! "So you are the one who took my beloved!" Peeon cried as he met up to him.
"What can I say? Faulter's my name. Everything is my fault! Everything!" the trampire explained.
"So was it your fault when I got blamed for eating glue when I was five?" Peeon said.
"And the time my pants fell down in front of everyone in the school play in fifth grade?"
"Yep, me too." Faulter said. "Everything that's gone wrong in your life is my fault."
"So it was you that got my member stuck in the drinking fountain in high school too, eh?" Peeon said.
Faulter cringed. "Ok, no, that wasn't my fault."
Peeon knew what had to be done. He wanted Bare-a back. But Faulter went on to explain some tragic news. "Oh, I forgot to mention. Bare-a took a walk off my balcony and into the ocean. She turned into a mermaid."
With a sigh a relief, Peeon said, "A mermaid? How beautiful."
"Then she got eaten by a shark." Faulter added. "Sorry."
"You are to blame! Eat my hoe then!" Peeon cried. Then a battle ensued. For several minutes, it was BAM! SWOOSH! SLASH! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" "OUCH!" BAM! SWOOSH! "DIE!" BUMP. BAM! SWOOSH! SWOOSH! TUSH! MUSH! "Don't go there." "OUCH!" "OOPS!" Then, Faulter was out like a light.
Suddenly, Dragula appeared. "What an idiot!" he said. "Faulter certainly had a bite, but what wimp!"
"Draggy, what is all this? Why have you let this guy kidnap my girl, turn you into a Trampire, and make me into a fool?" Peeon asked.
"You're a Peeon. That's what you are for. As for why I do what I do, I've got 2 words for you: Dis and gruntled. So I made a deal with the Slim Reaper, got hooked up with a Trampire and now I'm going to make the world a drag!" his old friend explained. "You in?"
"Bite me!" Peeon said. "And I don't mean literally."
"Fine. Then my buddy Slim will put you on a stringent diet, until you waste away into nothing! SLIM!" Then, Dragula disappeared.
All of the sudden, the Slim Reaper appeared. He was wearing a head band, tube top and spandex pants under a pretty pink dress. He carried a sickle that doubled as a nail file/dumbbell. His make up was all nice a pretty too. "Ok, lets start with some aerobics now! Jumping jacks!" He poked Peeon in the but with his sickle, and Peeon started working out like there was no tomorrow. Then, it was off to some ab crunches. "You call those abs? I call them flabs! GO! GO! This isn't beauty school!"
Peeon was getting really annoyed. He grabbed his hoe and poked Slim in the head. "You idiot! That's my new head band from Vercase! Leave it be!" Then, he forced Peeon to lift 200 lbs of weights...with his pinky. "No pain, no death! Keep going! And don't get too close to me, or you might get sweat on my new dress."
New dress? This had to be the weakness Peeon was looking for. He threw down the weights, grabbed his hoe, and with one swipe, gashed a big hole on the front of Slims dress. Mortified, Slim gasped as his dress feel to the ground. Underneath, his spandex were so tight, revealing a lot more in the way of features than Slim had intended. In a fit of shame, he was ready to run away. "Bully! I hope this never happens again!"
Peeon stood tall, and demanded, "Tell Draggy something for me next time you see him, will ya? Tell him that he sucks ass, that I'll never get over this, and I'm sending him the therapy bill! Oh yeah, and tell him that since he's going to live forever, the Smellmonts are cursed to fight him till the end of time. I'm sure they won't mind."
Dragula got the message alright. And he wasn't happy about it. He went on to sign a contract to perform in drag and take over the world by a prestigious agent. The only stipulation was that he could only do this every century. Then that was how Dragula grew to become the terror he was to become.
Well, so now you know how it all started. And another chapter of this silly series has closed. So the next time you are walking through the mall, and you come across a talent show, and one of the Anna Nicole look alikes looks a little too alike, do yourself a favor: check the hair, the smell, and maybe even a small patdown if you are brave enough. Because you never know if you've got a Dragula in that getup!
(Cue Gremils 3...err...um...oh, just cue something, will ya!)
The End...for now!!!