|"OK--what the hell is going on here? Again with this? My master is not a target for your brand of naughty humor, Boogie Mann, if that's your real name. This is a mockery of our glorious legend! You're a... you... you STUPID MAN FACE, you. See now? You've gone and made Master Libby angry. I can be hip like the coyote, homey-pie. Yeah? Oh, forget it. Sometimes you youngens, always with your tomfoolery--oh, the humanity of it all. But there's nothing I can do about it. If the owner of this library wants this 'work' published here, then that's just the way it's going to have to be. Don't say I didn't warn you. Faw, I say."|
The Return of Dragula: A Castlevania Parody 2
By Boogie Mann
(Warning: Like any sequel to a parody should be, this follow up contains more graphic depictions of bodily fluids and potty jokes than the original Dragula story. Reader discretion is advised, but hardly recommended!)
It had been 99.99999999999991 years since Dragula had been defeated by hi-strung antics of the famous Imon Smellmont. Imon had died recently of a OD to the letter Q, and so it was time for the great drag queen of the night to attempt to regain his thrown.
Dragula was brought back to glory by the very talented Shaft, or as his friends liked to call him, Mr.. Johnston. Being a priest, he truly was a big daddy! His powers laid in the dark arts of witchcraft, voodoo, and shaving without the use of cream.
Anyway, there was something a little odd about how this Shaft resurrected Dragula. As a rule of thumb, Dragula preferred to be as feminine as possible. He liked his hair naturally long, his nails naturally long, and his chest naturally increased. But apparently, Shaft was only thinking of himself that day, and increased only things that took after his name sake.
(queue annoying laugh track)
But getting past all that, Dragula was as good as new! The first time he slipped into those high hills, and squeezed his size 18 body into his size 6 dress, it was apparent that he was indeed the ruler of perpetual hell (to look at). And by the look of things, this time, there was going to be no stopping him!
Instead of hiding in the shadows, Dragula unleashed his horrors onto the peaceful village of Castlevanity. On those poor fools, he sent his minions of Trampires, Spankinstien, and his personal favorite, flying Peedusa heads, equiped with drop bombs of yellow poison. The army took out the small town in minutes, and so, naturally, a hero was called upon.
Was there a Smellmont to be found? Apparently, they'd all gone on vacation to Japan, leaving poor Castelevanity at the mercy of the forces of the dark queen. It was surely a drag (no pun intended) until a hero stepped out to the plate.
Was it a bird?
Was it a turd?
Nope, it was Alugard!
The very same Alugard that helped Never Smellmont 450 1/2 years ago take out the menace of Dragula, long before the invention of high heels. Rumor had it that Alugard had some connection with the bimbo, possibly due to the fact that he was often mistaken for a drag queen himself. Scary thing was that though this was true, it was not his intent.
Alugard went to the castle of Dragula, ready and willing to take out whatever he was to find there. He didn't have his regular sword this time, so he'd have to get by with his trusty fountain pen for now. After all, the pen was mightier than the sword, he thought.
After going across the bridge to the castle, Alugard came across some pretty strange creatures. He came across a vombie, a walking undead with bad breath and a Technicolor outfit. "What in the hell is this thing?" He jabbed his pen into it's chest, but the creature looked down and vomited all over his hand! Mortified, Alugard pushed the creature aside and ran down the hall.
Alugard then came across what appeared to be a swimming pool in the castle! Mermisses swam about, wearing nothing but tube tops and bikini shorts. Apparently, there was a competition going on. Between cannon balls, synchronized swims, and skinny dipping, no one noticed as Alugard slipped past.
In fact, most of the creatures in the castle seemed too preoccupied to bother with him. He slipped past several of Dragula's minions, including swords cutting off their own handles to spite their blades, witches polishing their nose warts, and books that only read themselves. Vanity was a common theme in this place, and Alugard made it almost effortlessly to Dragula's lair. "Piece of pie!" he said to himself.
But he spoke too soon. Suddenly, the Slim Reaper appeared, and he was not going to let Alugard go any further. "Not so fast, drag-wanna be! Where's you pass?"
Stunded, Alugard looked into his coat, but found nothing to use to fool this old enemy. "I don't need a pass, bone ass! Let me see the master!"
"Dragula is busy getting prepared for his next competition." Slim said. "He's taking on his copy cat rival, Snotferatu, next week. And he has no time for petty fiends such as yourself! Be gone, and work on your make-up some more! You wear too much!"
This was getting him no where. Since he'd been itching for a fight and hadn't got one yet, he walked over and punched Slim in the head! "Ouch! You idiot! What's the deal, bitch?" Slim asked.
"I heard the last time you were rude to someone, your dress got ripped off!" Alugard said.
"WHAT?! That's a lie! Who told you that?" Slim demanded like a bashful school girl.
"We all know the legend of Imon the merry!" Alugard smirked.
"That's it! Get ready for some jerky from Slim Jim!"
With that, Slim attacked Sluggard with his trust sickle/nail file combo, swiping it around like Calista Flockhart having a snack attack. Alugard dodged the swinging. He figured he'd change into his trust alternate form.
Was it a bat?
Was it a cat?
Nope, he turned into...a RAT!
Attacking like Splinter after getting high on sewer water, he dropped kicked Slim to the ground. Slim tried to fight back, but Alugard was just to fast in this form. Slim broke in half like a twig. Then, with his razor sharp rat claws, Alugard ripped Slim's dress, leaving him nude. He looked like a dried up Christmas tree that Santa Clause had fallen on.
After resuming normal form, Alugard was off to fight to fight the queen himself.
When he arrived in the upper balcony, Alugard found the whole place had been transformed into a large dressing room. Mirrors were lined up all around the room, with a large desk and elegant gowns hanging up all around. Alugard looked in the mirror and saw he had no reflection! "Oh my, what could this mean?"
Was he clear?
Was he transparent? Nope, he was was...a Trampire?
"That's my boy!" Dragula said, stepping out of the shadows of black dresses. Alugard felt a sudden queasiness at the sight of his old man. Dragula came up to him, and said, "How dare you come here and try to take me down! Of all the selfish, self centered, egotistical things...how could you possibly have longer hair than me! And honey, that cape is just all wrong for you."
"Shhhhhhhh...keep your voice down, dad! I don't want anyone to know..."
"Why? Because your ashamed of me? Is your love that conditional?" Dragula said, tears welling up in his eyes.
"The drag thing is fine, dad. It's this trying-to-kill-everyone-so-you-can-take-over-the-world-and-open-the-doors-to-hell part that I have an issue with." Alugard said. "So I must fight you."
Dragula was getting more steamed up than a bowl of ham-fried rice. Stream literally began to come from his ears, and his face was turning bright red. "You've always been jealous of me! Let's settle this now! Start the beauty contest!"
Alugard was not in the mood for this. Besides, he knew he'd win easily. The vomit was welling up at the sight of his fathers butt cheeks ready to burst from the captivity of his dress. The pumpkins were trying to escape from the patch. "I've got a better idea. Let's fight!"
"No, let's not." Dragula said.
"Yes, let's fight."
"Fine, lets fight. Flash bombs away!" Then Dragula mooned him. The sight pushed Alugards nerves over the edge.
It became World War Alpha as Alugard shot out last night's blood pudding from his belly, and all over his fathers beautiful gown. Dragula, mortified his new dress was messed up, released a rear gas bomb, giving Alugards silky white skin a sudden tan. Alugard followed it up with another blood pudding belly bomb. Dragula followed that up with an oral gas bomb that smelled like he'd had raw cow hide for supper.
The smell in the room was getting so intense, even the mirrors were starting to crack. With the release of that last attack, all the glass shattered, leaving millions of shards all over the floor. Though the two of them took cover, all of Dragula's dresses were being ripped to shreds by the chaotic incident. "No, not my gowns!"
After it was all clear, Dragula, still very effected by the chemical warfare, assessed the damage. His gowns looked worse than a Courtney Love outfit on a bad day. "There are 245 holes poked in my dress from Paris!"
"Well, at least your dress from Switzerland matches their cheese now." Alugard said.
Without his dresses, Dragula knew there was no point on continuing his dark crusade. After all, how was he going to go out in public looking like he was attacked by rabid dogs? "Son, what have we done?"
"Invented compost." Alugard said. "Now will you get out of here?"
Dragula looked at his son, tear rolling down his check, and said, "Sarcasm. For what good is it for a man to gain the entire Vercase line, and lose his lunch in the process?"
Alugard was speechless. Actually, that was the moment he'd passed out. But it didn't matter. Dragula packed up, and left for another vacation. He planned he'd be back in another 99.99999999999991 years anyway. By then, he'd have his collection back in one piece!
A few days later, Ickter Smellmont and his wife, Panette, and sister-in-law and lush, Baria, arrived safely back from Japan. To their dismay, Castlevanity was a mess, and all the towns people had left. "Where did they go?" Baria asked.
"Well, as they say in Japan, they went 'sianara'" Ickter said with a chuckle. "Never heard me speak Japanese before, have ya?"
Well, another chapter in the Dragula saga has come to a close. So wipe up any projectile fluids you may have released, and realize that sometimes laughter is a good way to cleanse. So is purging.
And just remember. The next time you are driving down the road, and you happen to pass by what appears to be a bus with a cloth over it, just remember: check all the blinding spots, make sure there is window in the front, and get off the sidewalk. Because you never know if you are mistaking it for a Dragula under a dress! (cue Gremlins 2 theme)