|"You know something, folks--I give up! Here old' Libby spends years of his endless existence setting up a nice little library for interested readers and especially the wacky site owner, and what's my reward for it? 'Dragula' parodies, veiled potshots, stupid award shows, and having my name continuously dragged through the mud as if I'm nothing more than some dopey comedy figure! But I promise this revenge: I will never appear in any of this series' games ever again! Hmmpph--how do you like that?" Yeah, yeah, I know--I wasn't going to appear again anyway, but I just wanted to waste as much of this blue space as possible as to not give MarcKal the satisfaction! You can all choke on that!"|
Chapter 1: Forming
stood at the door of his home, strumming the strings of his…toy guitar into
a little tune. "Need to send Mr. P the new chapters of Interview," he whispered
to himself. "Haven't updated in ages…"
"Are you talking to yourself again?" Alucard asked, hanging down from the ceiling.
Marc shook his head and replied, "No, just gotta send the new chapters of Interview."
"Man, you haven't updated that in ages," Alucard snapped.
"I said that, you dumb-fuck," Marc responded, throwing a vial of holy water from his coat onto Alucard.
The dhampir quickly dropped onto the floor and began rolling around, his face clamped into his hands. "DAMN IT! THAT HURTS!"
Marc began laughing just as the door opened and John plopped in, with his usual greeting of, "Hey DUDES!"
"Hey, dude," Marc greeted back, high-fiving him. Alucard attempted too, but was in too much pain to even lift his arm. John looked down and began chuckling along with Marc.
"YOU FUCKHOLES!" Alucard howled, looking up and finally wiping the last of the holy water off. "That fucking hurt!"
"I didn't do it," John shrugged.
Marc nodded. "Yep, it was me."
Alucard quickly pulled out his sword and, as he was about to slash forward, Marc threw another vial of holy water at his face, causing a similar reaction to happen.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" Alucard shouted, pain striking him again. "THAT BURNS YOU DICKHEAD! YOU CHRISTIAN BASTARD AND YOUR FUCKING STUPID HOLY-SHITTING WATER!"
Marc shrugged. "I ain't completely a Christian. More of a spiritualist, dude."
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" Alucard said in fury as he writhed on the floor. "GODDAMN IT! I'M GONNA FUCKING-"
"Hey, wait, you're a dhampir," John interrupted Alucard.
Alucard paused and the pain went away. He calmly stood up and looked at Marc. "You know…" He suddenly lashed forward and began throttling him. "I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!"
Suddenly, Dracula's head popped into the house, saying with his much faked-aristocratic voice, "Hello guys. Me and the boys are gonna make a lot of cash and start a band so, uh, fuck you."
He dropped out and Marc paused. "The fuck?"
Alucard quickly let go of Marc, throwing him to the floor, and ran outside. "YOU'LL SEE, FATHER! YOU'LL SEE!" He quickly dashed inside. "Alright, Marc, we're starting a band."
Marc gave a wide grin and held up his toy guitar, but Alucard simply blasted it away with Hellfire.
"Fuck that shit," he replied. "John, you know how to ACTUALLY play a guitar, right?"
John nodded, with a response of, "Yes I do."
Alucard looked to Marc and asked, "You can sing, right?"
"Yep," Marc responded.
Alucard pulled from his cape a bass. "Alrighty, now all we need is-"
The Librarian dropped in, looking around. "Hm, uh, how'd I get here? …And why do I suddenly know how to drum?"
"…Well, alright, we're set," Alucard said, clapping his hands together. "Marc, start writing songs!"
"I'm on it," Marc responded, pulling out a pen and paper. "…I'm done."
Alucard recessed. "The fuck? You didn't do-" He looked at Marc's paper and saw lyrics on it. "…Damn, man. That was fast… Anyway, yes! Our band is officially formed!"
"We need a name," John acknowledged.
Alucard nodded. "Oh yeah."
"I got it!" Marc shot up. "We'll call ourselves Jampire!"
"Corny and fucking retarded," Alucard answered to Marc's suggestion. "…PERFECT!"
The Librarian sat there, puzzled. "…I'M SO CONFUSED."
Chapter 2: Name Changes and Signing
"Hey, you know, a MySpace and Purevolume account is great for getting
people to notice us," Marc said, jumping onto his PC. "That's how Panic! At
the Disco got noticed."
"Yeah man," John replied, nodding. "Alucard, what do you think?"
Alucard agreed with a simple nod. "Librarian?"
The Librarian sat there, a flat and stubborn look on his face (greatly resembling T_T). As he looked up to his new band mates, he stated, "I hate you all and I wish you painful deaths from a horny monkey."
A large horny monkey walked in. "I find that offensive." He slapped the Librarian and walked away.
"…Anyway, guys, what are all your real names? …Wait, never mind, Alucard, John, I got yours… But Librarian?"
The Librarian continued sitting obstinate, but now it was as if he didn't want to give his name.
"…Librarian, don't make me tell Marc your name myself," Alucard said with a stern look planted onto his face. "…It's-"
"OH FINE!" the Librarian shouted, tears and anger flying forth. "IT'S HARRY DICKEN COX!"
Marc and John stood back, silent with expressions of wide-eyes and dropped jaws decorating them. Suddenly, only a minute after silence, they burst out laughing and pointing while screaming his name in complete hilarity.
"Man, that sounds like 'hairy dick 'n cocks'," John chuckled, trying to keep his sides from splitting. They did, however, and he cursed as he pulled out a pot roast to heal himself.
"Good, you deserve it!" the Librarian sobbed. "Do you really think I like this name?"
"…How about we legally change your name?" Marc asked. "…So, you know, we won't have the embarrassment of a guy named Harry Dicken Cocks in our band."
"Fine, fine," the Librarian agreed, standing up as the background (for some reason or another) turned into one of a law firm.
A lawyer walked in. "Okay, name?"
"BOB FLAGGLESNAGGLE!" Alucard screamed in reaction. "…Oh, sorry."
The lawyer stamped a paper and walked off. "Okay!"
The Librarian sat there silent again. He grabbed his head and continued crying.
"Hey, isn't his last name a cheat in a Castlevania game?" John asked.
Marc nodded. "Yep."
"Castlevania: Pointless Adventures of Marc In Our Castle And With A Story We Milked."
The four returned to Marc's house, all of them doing something: Marc was working on the Purevolume and MySpace accounts, Alucard was watching Emeril, John was playing Symphony of the Night, and the Librarian was…well…weeping…oh, and eating too.
"Shut up, you harpy," Alucard shouted at the Librarian, throwing a shoe at his face. "Emeril's teaching a sweet recipe on blood cake!"
Marc rubbed his stomach. "Mmmm…blood."
John looked puzzled at Marc. "You're a vampire?"
"In Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines I am," Marc replied. "Malkavian at that!"
"…Okay." John shook his head and continued playing Symphony. "…What the fuck? This wasn't in Symphony before!"
Alucard looked to the screen and spotted a dancing ape. "…No, it wasn't."
Marc gazed backwards to the TV. "Hey, he was in Castlevania: Pointless Adventures of Marc In Our Castle And With A Story We Milked!"
"No shit?" John inquired.
"No shit," Marc replied with a swift nod.
The Librarian was still crying, not bothering to even do anything…oh, yeah, he was still eating too.
Marc looked up to the ceiling while finishing the HTML on the MySpace. "Guys, you know what I wanna do when we perform on stage?"
The whole band (yes, even the Librarian) asked, "What?"
There was an awkward silence then a shaking of heads.
Everyone went back to their own thing and, eventually, Marc finished up with both. "Alright, now we just need to find an indie label to record."
Olrox appeared. "…What the shitting fuck? …Er, anyway, I heard you guys needed a label. Well, Olrox Records can surely help you!"
"Really?" Marc asked, hopefully."
"HAHA, NO. I already signed Dracoola."
"Who the fuck?"
"That's Dracula's band."
"FUCK YOU, BITCH!" Marc said, pulling out a vial of holy water and throwing it on Olrox.
"OW! OW!" Olrox screamed, running off.
"That's right, bitch."
Olrock appeared. "Hey dudes, remember me?"
Everyone stood quiet.
"…The old black and white vampire film."
"…With Max Shreck."
"…You fuck-offs… Anyway, I heard you guys need a label."
Marc nodded. "That we do."
Olrock took a seat. "Well, we are willing to sign any bands that need to be known."
"Sweet!" Alucard hopped up.
"Alright, now sign this," Olrock said, pulling out a contract from his briefcase. "All of you."
As the band members picked up pens, Olrock coughed and said, "In blood."
Everyone shot a look at him. "WHAT!?"
Chapter 3: Our Romance Is Cliché
"Man, I got the munchies,"
Marc said, after taking a puff of the joint in his hand. "What about you,
"FO SHO," the Librarian agreed, hitting fists with Marc before slumping down and falling asleep.
"You guys have been smoking weed for an hour," Alucard complained, shaking his head. "Five minutes, fine. Ten, sure. Thirty, you're pushing it. An hour….no."
"Chill, Alucard," Marc responded. "It's not really dangerous. I mean, it's only bad for you if you're driving or walking around or doing anything with your motor skills… Just try it."
Alucard sighed. "I have, alright?"
"And?" Marc posed.
"I crashed my dad's car into the castle that day… That's the real reason why I'm fighting against him."
"Dear God, Alucard, you make the series so un-epic."
John walked in. "Hey, guys, we play a show on Saturday to get some publicity. We have four days to get ready and practice."
"Saturday? Why Saturday? That's when the Hentai Convention starts," Marc replied with his head cocked to the side in confusion. "Why'd you pick Saturday?"
"Because we're PLAYING at the Hentai Convention!" John yelled excitedly, high-fiving Marc.
"YES!" Marc screamed, then kissing the Librarian on the cheek in raw excitement. "WOO!"
The Librarian paused before crying.
Alucard smiled. "This is great. We get to hit the convention AND play… Man, I wonder how many chicks are gonna be there…"
Marc paused. "Well, how many girls like hentai?"
Marc grinned and responded, "Dude, I have, like, fifty friends on MySpace - who are girls - that like hentai…and thirty five of them are yuri fans!"
"Hey, let's hit the garage and start practicing now," John said before the Librarian tugged on his shirt. "What do you want, you bastard?"
"Um, I need to use the potty," the Librarian replied.
"…Dude, what the fuck?" John inquired with a cocked and confused eyebrow.
The Librarian paused then sighed. "…I don't know what came over me."
"Yeah, that was…odd," John replied before running to the garage, everyone else trailing behind him.
As they got all set up, Marc gave them musical sheets, the title "Our Romance Is Cliché" on the top.
He went to the microphone and put his lips to it, speaking, "One, two, one, two, three, four!"
Music began to play and Marc began to sing the lyrics:
Ask me time after time,
About how we first met?
It was a lonely day,
In which I was set,
To blow myself to bits.
But just what do you expect?
What do you think of me in bed?
How do you deal with this thing?
How well can you really sing?
Makes us feel the same?
Our romance is cliché.
What heart grenade,
Makes us die the same?
Our romance is cliché
Makes us feel the same?
Our romance is cliché.
The song wasn't exactly
fast, but still carried the "emo rock" feeling. The band set their instruments
down and clapped.
"Alright, let's keep practicing that until we get he gist of it… I wanna be ready enough by Saturday that we don't even need to think about it," Marc said to the band. "Oh, yeah, uniforms, anyone?"
"Like how My Chemical Romance has uniforms?" Alucard asked.
"NO UNIFORMS!" the Librarian screamed, causing John to slap him and scold him with, "Shut up!"
"How about black suits with red ties?" Alucard inquired to the band.
"Too much like My Chemical Romance," Marc responded. "How about we stick with black shirt, tight jeans - whatever color - and maybe some wrist cuffs to add that punk kind of thing."
The band (with the exception of the Librarian, who seemed to hate everything) agreed on the idea.
Skip four days later,
the band was prepared. It was morning and the band had just woken up. In a
hot second, they loaded the equipment into the Librarian's van (much to his
juvenile protest) and headed to the convention.
"Dude, why do you not wanna go?" Marc asked the Librarian. "…Are you gay? …They'll have yaoi for you."
"I DON'T LOOK AT YAOI!" the Librarian screamed. "It's just that…"
"I was raped when I was younger."
"…Man, that's fucked up. I'm serious. You're scaring me, Bob."
"Bob?" the Librarian asked, looking confused.
"…We changed your name, remember?" Marc said.
"What the fuck is with the language, dude?"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU CHINK!"
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU IGNORANT FUCK!?" Marc screamed, his eyes turning red.
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