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KaneRobot



Joined: 02 Mar 2007
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Location: Bitters, Michigan

PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 1:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I saw an interview with a remarkably coherent Road Warrior Animal where he began to talk about how giving these guys regular time off would work wonders for their health. The host's response?

"BUT COULD THIS HAVE BEEN ROID RAGE?"
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KaneRobot



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I saw something on Digg where a group of people are trying to get them to save his BRAIN to be looked at to determine if he had brain damage and, if so, if that may have may have been a factor.

Of course the guy has brain damage. I don't know how much doing an in-depth examination of his brain would accompish, but if it leads to John Cena vs. The Coroner in a Chris Benoit's Brain-On-A-Pole Match, I'm all for it.


THEY SAVED BENOIT'S BRAIN
PUT IT NEXT TO MAXX PAYNE
I DISCOVERED IT LAST NIGHT
WRESTLING IS OILY MEN PRETENDING TO FIGHT

-Afa & Sika
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Foleyite



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 12:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Vince McMahon actually did a semi-credible job on the Today Show, defending himself, promoting WWE (and their "Wellness Program") and doing damage control. The only strange parts were Vince claiming that Benoit had "turned into a monster" and that "everyone who works for WWE is well-adjusted". Mm-hmm. He was also asked about the fact that everybody in wrestling dies before they hit 50 and his answer was basically "Well, only 5 of them were on our watch, so those others don't count or make me feel that guilty."

Kevin Sullivan said that he was shocked by the news and that he "wrestled with him a lot" and thought he was "a great performer".

Also, Nancy Grace not doing any research, asserting false claims and generally being a dumbshit is nothing new.
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KaneRobot



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 1:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Foleyite wrote:
He was also asked about the fact that everybody in wrestling dies before they hit 50 and his answer was basically "Well, only 5 of them were on our watch, so those others don't count or make me feel that guilty."

Yep, and that's why he got rid of Kurt. When he drops dead sometime in the next two or three years, it'll easily be the biggest "wrestling death" story of all time, next to what's going on right now. That is, unless Kurt decides to take a few people with him as well.

The best part by far was Vince claiming that they are in the business of putting smiles on people's faces. GREAT JOB VINCE!

Quote:
Also, Nancy Grace not doing any research, asserting false claims and generally being a dumbshit is nothing new.

I dunno, she works for CNN. Her statement about being in the elite Four Horsemen and then being recently "demoted to Raw" just makes me think she was a WCW fan.
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HelloDes



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The creep-meter stays in the red:

WIKIPEDIA UPDATE REPORTED NANCY BENOIT DEATH 14 HOURS BEFORE POLICE ARRIVED AT HOME
By: Bob Ryder
6/28/2007 2:34:12 PM
The bizarre Benoit tragedy continues to get more bizarre with almost every passing moment. Fox News is reporting something that has been discussed in various message board postings for the last couple of days. Apparently an entry was made on Chris Benoit's Wikipedia profile that reported Nancy Benoit's death approximately 14 hours before police arrived at the Benoit residence.

The post reads "Chris Benoit was replaced by [[Johnny Nitro]] for the ECW Championship match at Vengeance, as Benoit was not there due to personal issues, stemming from the death of his wife Nancy.”

The post was made by an IP address traced to Stamford CT, the headquarters of WWE. The update went live on Wikipedia at 1201am ET on Monday morning. Police found the bodies at 230pm ET.

We received several emails from readers alerting us to the Wikipedia update. Frankly, we thought it to be too bizarre to be true and felt that the time stamp must have been either a technical glitch or the result of someone manipulating the Wikipedia posting process.

Wikipedia officials are saying the time stamp is accurate and that they alerted authorities on Tuesday of the posting.



Of course, the same person who made the Benoit edit also added this to the Stacy Keibler page in May: "She also has a nice large ass that any straight man would like to spend a nice with." HOW DID THEY KNOW?
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KaneRobot



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let's not forget his startling yet informative contribution to the entry on one Chavo Guerrero Jr.:

Quote:
Before starting his wrestling career, Chavo was addicted crack and was a rapist. One day when Chavo was doing crack he thought he saw a little white kid but it was actually his son, and sexualy abused him until his penis fell off. On this day forth he will no longer rape his kid ,but he still rapes people(even though he has no penis) so wacth out for him, even adults.

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Mr Perfect
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 9:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The bizarre Benoit tragedy continues to get more bizarre with almost every passing moment. Fox News is reporting something that has been discussed in various message board postings for the last couple of days. Apparently an entry was made on Chris Benoit's Wikipedia profile that reported Nancy Benoit's death approximately 14 hours before police arrived at the Benoit residence.


This proves what I originally thought: "Benoit and family murdered by J.H. Pillows."

BOOK IT.


Quote:
The best part by far was Vince claiming that they are in the business of putting smiles on people's faces.


I certainly smiled when Guerrero died and every evildoer on the roster would march down to the ring, put his hands over his ears to drown out the crowd's boos, and counter by yelling, "EDDIE'S DEAD. HAHA!" - this even when it had no context to current events.

Murder, rape, incest, miscarriage, threatened beheadings, exploitation, referee suicide, racism, mass layoffs, Tatanka. Good times, mang.
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Foleyite



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 10:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

2007 Me: "Hey, man. You know Chris Benoit & Eddy Guerrero?"

1997 Me: "Yeah, they're great. They're two of my favorites; they're like two of the best reasons to watch WCW."

2007 Me: "Yeah, well, WCW's going the way of the dinosaur, pal. Eddy and Chris will go to the WWF. But it'll be called WWE."

1997 Me: "Whatever. Yeah, right."

2007 Me: "They even get to main event in the WWF...er, E. WWF World champ Chris Benoit, man."

1997 Me: "Shut up.. that's fuckin' crazy, dude."

2007 Me: "You think that's crazy? Eddy dies of heart failure before his forties begin and Benoit murders his wife, his kid and HIMSELF."

1997 Me: ::in complete shock::

2007 Me: "Oh shit, man... I almost forgot. They bring back fucking Tatanka."

1997 Me: ::faints::
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Harb



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I heard that "fucking Tatanka" was going to replace "masturbating bear" on the Conan O'Brien show.
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KaneRobot



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 1:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote



Taken at his doctor's office, a few hours before he killed his wife.

Now, of course every dickhead on the internet is spouting off nonsense like "OH MY GOD THERE IS A SKULL ON HIS SHIRT" or "LOOK AT THAT EVIL SMILE" or "CHECK OUT THAT PAINTING...NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT!" That's all worthy of disregard. First of all, that smile is about as "evil" as Jesus, and he probably IS pretty happy. I'm assuming that the doctor just loaded him up with a fresh supply of pills.

What I will NOT disregard is the fact that I bought that shirt he's wearing shortly after:

http://www.powerslampromotions.com/blkmrkt/store/store.htm

Oh, and the first shirt on that page tells me, once again - I resurrected The Iron Sheik's career. RESPECT ME, SENILE AND CRAZY MUSTACHE TWIRLER.
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HelloDes



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 2:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Spread the word. I will pay $8,000 for that T-shirt, $11,000 for that hat, $29,000 for Benoit's head, and price is no object for those paintings because they touch my heart.

Hell, make it a package, throw in the faux-cherrywood paneling and a dog that's been fed, and I'll make it a hundred thousand.
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Mr Perfect
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I get the tooth.

My plan is to dress up in a fairy costume and keep the tooth safe to one day sell it on eBay. See: If he comes back to life, he won't be able to come over and beat me up, 'cause then I won't give him any money for that loose tooth.

Doesn't it allllllllllllllllll make sense?
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KaneRobot



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 10:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh baby, here we go:

Quote:
Former WWF champion Ultimate Warrior will be on Fox News on Hannity & Colmes tonight, at 9 PM Eastern discussing the Benoit situation.

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Foleyite



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 1:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Predictions?

-I predict Warrior will refer to Colmes as a "liberal faggot" at some point.

-I predict that the phrase "roid rage" will be used at least 8 times.

-Hannity will have a smarmy look on his face.

-Somewhere a wrestling fan who has never seen the show before will say "Wait, is that the dad from ALF?". And someone else in that room will say "Who, the old patsy with the glasses?" And the ALF-guy will say "Yeah, I don't think it's him - but you gotta admit.... kinda looks like him."
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HelloDes



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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2007 11:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Unfortunately, it seems that the Wikipedia scoop was just some asshole who guessed right after Benoit went AWOL for the pay-per-view.

But at least the speculation is that Benoit killed his kid with the Crippler Crossface (!). So we can replace one weird-ass revelation with another. And we can thank God that so many wrestlers survived the hold, presumably thanks to the protective power of steroids. Sweet, sweet steroids.
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Foleyite



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PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 3:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

According to Meltzer, the rumor that he killed Daniel with the Crippler Crossface has turned out to be true (or at least likely, considering the marks found on the boy), but the authorities have been sensitive about revealing that information because they 'didn't want to sensationalize the case even more'.

I thought it was revealing that Chris Jericho (who came off as an intelligent voice of reason on Nancy Grace and is also at least fairly unbiased, since he's no longer on Vince's watch) said that Benoit never held a job or did much of anything outside of wrestling. He never talked to his friends about his son being retarded, his marriage being difficult or any of that. He probably just talked about Dynamite Kid matches, Japan, Eddie Guerrero or cool possible counters for the Crossface. That Benoit killed his son with his finishing move isn't even so much funny as it is sad; a guy who literally ate, breathed and slept the business (and if you think it's a good thing to eat, breathe and sleep THE BUSINESSUH, Triple H - look where THAT gets you...) couldn't even end his own son's life without it.
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HelloDes



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PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 12:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Apparently this "finisher of death" thing is catching on. Now 3wrestling.com is reporting that Rey Misterio Jr. has murdered his baby, by running really fast at his crib, swinging between the slats, and kicking the soft spot in his head. Rey Jr. Jr. will be missed.

And also, yesterday Scotty 2 Hotty killed a worm.
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Mr Perfect
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 9:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Speaking of the end of children: Big Show to become a boxer, vows to be the next Mike Tyson

It's Show's new federal program: No child left in the behind.
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KaneRobot



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 1:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The cops are putting the authority and responsibility BACK INTO THE HANDS OF THE PEOPLE!

Quote:
Police went to neighbor Holly McFague’s house and accompanied her to the wrestler’s home to check on the Benoits. But the officers were afraid to go inside because there were two large attack dogs.

“Holly knew the dogs and they knew her so she went in alone,” Regan said. “She found the body of the wife and son and ran screaming from the house.”


Needs more Benny Hill music.
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Foleyite



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 4:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So now there's a dispute whether Daniel had this Fragile X or not. If not, then it's implied that Benoit lied about his son being undersized, so he could get some HGH. If true, that makes Benoit a pretty horrible addict and a pretty horrible person. Well, the murdering the kid and wife made him look pretty bad too.

I have to admit at being fascinated by the Benoit story. Of all the wrestlers, I still can't believe this story is about Benoit. And I want to say that I think that this story is huge, that it'll change wrestling forever etc. - but people like Meltzer said stuff like that in 1994 during the steroid trial. It was said after Owen died, it was said a lot when Guerrero died - and the really, really sad fact about pro wrestling is that guys dying young, steroid use and the abuse wrestlers take and the strange, depressing lives these guys lead is a big problem and it should be noticed and somehow solved. But at the end of the day - it blows over, the business goes on, the public at large doesn't care and before you know it - we're distracted by Owen vs. Bret or whether the fans really like John Cena or not or whatever.
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KaneRobot



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 5:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stuff like this really makes me wonder how much Meltzer actually knows, or if he's just skating by on his reputation as the only "real" reporter that matters. He's been full of shit on numerous things now regarding this story, most recently the thing about Woman having a safe-deposit box with a note that said "if anything happens to me, Chris did it."

Even Bob "Chugs Cock for Sandwich Money" Ryder scooped him on the stuff about his wife and kid supposedly throwing up blood the night before.
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Foleyite



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a straightforward adjustment. For every dollar you had in your account, you now have one dog. The dogs are in the enclosed pool area. Garage side door is open.

I don't know if anyone else has noticed this yet, but it's all kinds of inside-joke genius. It's got layers upon layers, people.
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HelloDes



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 2:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another view on the matter, sunshine:
http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news_detail.html?sku=1976

Steven Regal: "You’d only ever be friends with Chris on his terms. The only way I can rationalise is to say that Chris lost the plot. I know, I’ve done it myself, had blackouts and all kinds of stuff. I can only think the poor lad has snapped, killed Nancy and thought that his son, who had problems, would have to grow up without parents and he thought it was a mercy killing. I am hoping someone can tell me that so I can put it to bed. I’m going to remember Chris for everything except the last two days of his life."

That's fair. I choose to remember Regal for everything except the time he showed the two inches of his pink, shrivelled weenie.
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Mr Perfect
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 4:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This leaves a still-lingering question: Who's Dumbledork, and why did Snake kill him?

With the Benoit case almost wrapped up, I think they should start on this one.


And now some Jim Duggan Youtube clips:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KnghpEGbpEA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIFC6fmxNs4&NR=1
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HelloDes



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote


"Uh, Dumbledore was like walking down the corridor, and
he like slipped, and like he totally fell on my wand. It was
an unforeseen accident, dude."
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Foleyite



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 4:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Oh, no! Beta!" is not only still the greatest Snake moment, but one of the greatest lines in the history of television.
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HelloDes



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm pretty sure that of the top ten lines in television history, about 38 of them come from "The Simpsons."
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Foleyite



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2007 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Henry doesn't ride with other wrestlers to any World Wrestling Entertainment matches. A husband and father of a 21-month-old son, Henry said one reason he drives solo is for safety, that he has less chance of getting in an accident that might cause an injury that could affect his career. The other reason, he said, is that he doesn't want to be in a car if recreational or performance-enhancing drugs belonging to another wrestler are discovered by law enforcement officials.

"If they get caught, then I'd be (considered) guilty, too. If we get pulled over we're both going down," Henry said.


But, all these WWE employees and people in the pro wrestling business over the last two weeks have been telling me that drug use in wrestling is a myth. You're telling me that they're just covering their ass and trying to steer people away from the fire?!

Well, Vince is smart. When Daveyboy Smith and Warrior were in the thick of their out-of-control roid-rage days and the feds had their eyes on the WWF, Vince fired them and started pushing smaller, more articulate guys to debunk all those myths about pro wrestlers being psychotic, roided-up meatheads. So I'm sure Vince knows what he's doing.

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Mr Perfect
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2007 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Never will anything be done to address the problem. Instead, Vince will sign even bigger guys:



This way, their throat muscles will be so overdeveloped that they can only speak in moans and weird honks (like Sgt. Hulka after falling from the tower) and thus can never answer questions about how they got that way.
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HelloDes



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2007 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tazzzz is RIPPED.
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Mr Perfect
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Former Eliminator John Kronus was found dead today.

Nice timing.

Also, Marcus Cor Von has been missing since Tuesday. Wikipedia provides the reason: "It is being speculated he killed all his immediate family with DA POOOOOOOUUUUUNNNCE. PERIOD."

Steroids are rumored to have played a role in both cases, but Ken Kennedy, Fit Finlay, Gregory Helms and Steve Blackman denied such claims. And then they died.
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HelloDes



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PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 9:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wikipedia is now exclusively reporting that Cor Von was found dead "in" his lawn. And that his son "was found with his torso missing, presumably 'pounced' to death."

Whoops. Now Wikipedia is not reporting that. Not anymore.

The larger message here? Plant your bullshit on less-read pages that don't have a rabid geek fanbase, the way pro wrestlers, Pokemon characters, or 'American Idol' losers do.

There are a lot of 18th century Minister-Presidents of Austria who would appreciate your mischievous attentions.
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Mr Perfect
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 5:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have nothing to do with anything Wikipedia-related. I got the quote from a message board (wrestlingclassics.com).
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HelloDes



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PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 9:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, I didn't mean "your bullshit" as in YOUR bullshit. I meant it as an all-purpose piece of good advice, like "You should always cross at the green, not in between," or "Don't forget to scrub your shvanz, after screwing a sea turtle."
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Foleyite



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Time really does heal all wounds. I can't believe the Benoit thing happened this year.

Radiohead leaking their own album? Chris Benoit being a murderer? Hoho, what surprises will 2008 hold?!?

"How much did you pay for In Rainbows?"


"With heavy hearts and... oh wait, he killed himself, his wife and kid and was on steroids?!?! THIS ACT IS OVER. Shane, make sure you replace all mentions of him on WWE-related websites with the words "Hillbilly Jim" and Photoshop Sable's face over his when necessary."
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KaneRobot



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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 7:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you Google search "The dogs are in the enclosed pool area. Garage side door is open." this forum is the first result.

This is clearly excellent news.
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HelloDes



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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

We do not own this earth, we are merely its current caretakers. Like Fatu, you have truly Made A Difference.
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Foleyite



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 7:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Foleyite wrote:

Somewhere some idiot is saying that "Eddy and Benoit are having a five-star classic in heaven tonight".


Some idiot? Try "idiots", 2007 version of me. I'm not even gonna quote every post that has some form of "Benoit & Eddie are wrestling in heaven". Suffice to say, there are many and they get kinda boring after a while. Since there's a ton and you may not have the time, I've bolded the most insanely heartfelt weirdos. My super-favorites are bolded in a huge font because the world needs to hear these crazy thoughts and if I make them big enough, maybe Eddie and Benoit can see them from heaven.



Results ... of about 149,000 for eddie benoit heaven.


#2. "eddie guerrero & chris benoit. wrestling in heaven. RIP we miss you both"

#3. "Eddie may be in Heaven, but Chris Benoit is rotting and burning in HELL!"

#4. "Chris Benoit Is a psyco. R.I.P. His Family but not Benoit he is a murdering cunt. Eddie vs Benoit in heaven? will never happen because Eddies in heaven and..."

#5. "Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit ... Both members of one of the greatest tag teams of all time have are now in wres...tling heaven."

#14. "I just feel Like when Eddie Died eddie only had one world title just like benoit"

#18. "Benoit belongs in the Hall of Fame with Eddie Guerrero. ... match with lou thesz and making eddie guerrero tap to the crossface in heaven."

#19. "Benoit is not with Eddie. Benoit is with Lucifer. ..... If I die and go to Heaven and see Chris Benoit there, I will know that God did right."

#23. "I just can't find the words to say ... this happen but now Benoit and Eddie are together once again....in heaven. ..."

#27. "fuck, one of the greatest wrestlers, gone, he be in peace, in the wrestling ring of heaven with eddie. rip benoit, i love you."

#29. "MySpace profile for eddie guerrero and chris benoit tribute with pictures, ... every1 up in heaven and his frog spash will be done in the clouds."

#38. "God is very forgiving, and when I die maybe I’ll get to referee a triple threat match in Heaven, Own Hart vs Eddie Gurrero vs Chris Benoit."

#39. "Let me tell you somthing bro, Eddie ain't in Heaven, Eddie's down there... in Hell."

#43. "Now, heaven gets to see why Chris really was "No Gimmicks Needed"."

#49. "Heaven needed your lowrider, but sadly, they had to take you with it."

#50. "PUT IN A COMMENT TAKER THAT SAYS BENOIT IS IN HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!"

#57. "what u mean chris benoit is a god and fuck his retarted kid."

#65. "This is a waste of pure talent. R.I.P Chris Benoit and my greivances to the Benoit"

#68. "After some comments from Benoit and Vickie, we close with Eddie summing up .... the guards distracted, Eddie jumps up and runs through the gates of Heaven."

#78. "Thinking about Eddie Guerrero dying last year and now Benoit and ..... high into heaven my wild pegasus and may you break free from your inner demons to"

#92. "Eddie Guererro and now Benoit. i dont support him killin his family and all ...... the HWF (Heaven Wrestling Federation) so closely can also edit Wikipedia."

#105. "One fan held up a sign that said "Now Heaven has some Latino Heat,""

#113. "Owen Hart and Eddie Guerrero Shoot Hoops in Heaven. City of Saints .... Eddie nodded. Nancy Benoit. brought them lemonade. They both smiled."

#223. "a 4-way fatal heaven match between benoit, undertake, eddie gurrero and vince"

#242. "God Pless and if your wreslting up in heaven don't kill Eddie and Owen"

#305. "i think that it is either eddie guerrerro or Chris Benoit because they are both UP in heaven" (This is in reply to a thread titled "Who is vince mcMahon's son?)
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HelloDes



Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2284
Location: Bitters, Iceland

PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How did you not bold "what u mean chris benoit is a god and fuck his retarted kid."?
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Mr Perfect
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Joined: 06 Mar 2007
Posts: 956
Location: Bitters, Cold

PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 7:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heaven needed a toothless wolverine, I guess. "Heaven" seems to be an oddly functional menagerie in constant need of a new specimen (if wrestler-death reactions are to be believed).

Heaven: Paradise or Pokemon? You make the call.
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